Everyday Canvas

Self-Compassion

Prompt: What do you think self-compassion means?

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Self compassion is when you stop lying to yourself that you’re so great or awesome as you are supposed to be, but instead, you focus on forgiving yourself when you’re not up to par.

This up-to-par idea comes from our schooling, the testing mania of the so-called teaching experts and school boards. It also has to do with the efforts of parents and teachers to enhance our self-esteem. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy self-esteem, but like everything, self-esteem has a flawed side, especially when in excess: Self-esteem is comparative and it depends on success. Only by comparison to the successes of others, we know we made it; that is, we are at least above average. This is rather silly. Not everybody at the same time can be above average. As to success, no one can be successful at everything all the time.

This means self-esteem alone won't work to make us feel better about ourselves and not feel like losers. Enter self-compassion. Self-compassion is neither comparative nor dependent upon success. If anything, we can always forgive ourselves. Self-compassion does not make a person weak and wimpy. If anything, it enables better emotional health. Self-compassionate people feel less embarrassed when they make mistakes, don't know the answers, or act unnecessarily goofy. Also, they are not fearful to try again.

Yet, being self-compassionate is not easy. We are usually much harder on ourselves than on other people. Do you want to test this idea? Do yourselves a favor and make a list of several serious and not so serious crimes. Imagine someone you love or just anyone in your neighborhood committing those crimes. Can you forgive them for it? Then imagine committing those crimes yourself. Can you forgive yourself? You'll find out that it is easier to forgive others than ourselves. You may want to cover up or not admit to a crime, but that is not forgiveness. It is loading your psyche with extra guilt.

So, if you want to be self-compassionate, what do you do? How do you train yourself? I believe each time you put yourself down, you'll need to reverse the thought. Reverse the thought of Stupid me to nice me and never ever call yourself names. Just yesterday, I made a grammar mistake, and in a comment about my mistake, I wrote "Duh!", the synonym for stupid me. This self-compassion prompt arose from that Duh! So, I've decided to never say "Duh!" to me again.

Part of this Duh! business comes from the upbringing; at least mine did. My mother didn't want me to grow a big head and always put me down even when I was successful. This is quite the opposite of those who overly encourage self-esteem. I learned to think negatively of me when I made a mistake, any mistake. Yet, mistakes happen because we are human, and our attention sometimes can take a leave of absence.

It isn't just my mother, though. All higher authorities on human level such as some achievement experts, churches, temples, etc. are doing that very thing to instill refinement, enlightenment, and humility in people. Instead, they are handing out discouragement and self-abasement, which they are not usually aware of. If such damage is done to you, it is your job to be aware of the damage and undo it to the best of your ability.

This all means that we either put ourselves down because we didn't reach the self-esteem goals of competition or we put ourselves down because we have somehow been conditioned to do so. Becoming aware of this paradox can be a step toward a better balanced life.

I hope we will all succeed in our self-compassion goals.