Everyday Canvas

Good Friend or Partner?

Prompt: What do you think makes you a good friend, significant other or spouse? Are there specific tricks to having a discussion about issues without causing hard feelings like using I feel instead of you are? What works best for you?

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I love the sign that merchants used to hang on their shop windows, once upon a time: Caveat Emptor, meaning buyer beware.

If you made a friend or bonded with a significant other or a spouse whose characteristics, modus operandi, and behavior you can vouch for, the rest should be easy enough. This applies to me, too, and here is my Caveat Emptor: I am not perfect. With some things, I am not even lukewarm good; though, with most of the stuff in life, I manage all right. I can never claim I am a perfect friend or spouse, although I try.

For my own peace of mind, from the start, I am picky with people who are and will be close to me, and I believe in the saying, to have (or make someone into) a good friend, be a good friend. Once I am sure I want that relationship, I offer a good ear and a shoulder. I am not quick to jump to negative conclusions, either. If I do, I do it inside my head and investigate the situation further. Then, if I am certain something is amiss, I ask the other person nicely. I don’t go like, “I feel…” as the shrinks advise. I just say it straight. For example, “When such and such happened, what did you think? Did you think I were to blame?”

Most of the time, if there’s friction, I try to reduce it in some way. If the friction grows and I can’t handle it, I am out of that situation. Yes, I don’t hesitate to take the flight option when fight or flight is offered to me.

Also, I never say, you are this or that. The minute one says “you are,” it means a blame is coming, unless the words “you are” are preceded by an if. “If you are mad at me about this and that…” On the other hand, I don’t hesitate to say “I am,” such as: I am sorry; I am hurt; I am angry; I am upset; I am not sure of this situation; I am not sure I acted the right way, etc.

Having written all that so far, I can’t claim I handle every single person effectively. There is someone who, luckily, lives too far away to annoy me on a daily basis. I avoid her like the plague because I just can’t handle her. There are and will be people like that in my life and in everyone’s life. I didn’t choose that person to be related to me. It so happened that she is. When I see that person, I let on very little to nothing about myself and I encourage her to talk about herself; therefore, I avoid causing her to concentrate on me so to find something she could hook her claws into. Plus, I am overly polite to her. I learned this being overly polite toward nasty people from watching a newscaster, Walter Cronkite. The more aggressive the person he would be talking to became, the politer Cronkite would address him. I think it works, at least some of the time.