Can We Talk 2

What's Next?

         To retire or not to retire? That is my question. I can foresee all kinds of problems that will make me miss the extra income. Who can predict the future? Will I end up on welfare or living in a hovel? Or a nursing home on Medicaid? I don't know. On the other hand I might make it a few years with all the freedom and no hassle.

         Then there's the social aspect. I may not find the people with whom I work intellectually stimulating, nonetheless, I do partake of their human drama. I talk with people from other walks of life. I'm not an energetic person socially. I might become a hermit unintentionally. I'm okay with my own company. At least until cabin fever sets in. Today, I was off from work. I wanted to go to a sunset concert near here on the mountain top. I have been anticipating it for a while and had it on my Google calendar. But it was a dreary morning, and my father was sick. I wanted to clean house and read. So I never got ready to go. I even had some friends who were going to be there. But I opted out. If I'm not obligated to someone else, a group or a job, I can't make myself do something. So retirement could make me stay at home a lot.

         Yet, I want to stop going to work. I want to sleep late. I don't want to face the nasty public elements out there. Most people are nice, but there's enough of the shysters and the complainers to erase the interaction with nice people. I especially don't want to deal with erratic personalities in management. I'm looking forward to so many things. I'm slowly beginning to accept my age and my crepe paper skin. I realize those twenty-somethings and teens at work are only tolerating me. (I'm tolerating them.) It probably would help if I knew more people in my age bracket. Everyone I know is a generation older or a generation younger, or two generations younger.

         With my dad's decline, I need more time to drive him wherever he needs to go. I need to take over more of the yard work. I would feel better about the house if I were around to clean up after him more frequently. I don't plan to over commit myself to volunteer stuff until I know how my energy and Dad's needs balance out with my time off. Maybe I'll actually write more, but I'm not counting on it or doing crafts either.

         The truth is that I'm not making enough money at this job to make it worth the stress. If Dad ends up with a stroke and can't make decisions, my income wouldn't pay the taxes or home maintenance. It's just gift money and pocket money for me. I might have to tighten my belt a little, but I think I have to trust that things will work out. It might be better for my own health to retire, to avoid the physical and mental stress and the traffic. Nope, I can't talk myself out of it. Even though I think they need me at work, and it will be hard to find a hard worker like me who has gained as much knowledge, but I don't owe them anything. I have to look out for me. I'm mentally preparing for the big change.