Can We Talk 2

Aging

         Getting older is one of the rewards of living longer. But it's not easy or simple. You move slower and remember slower just when you have a lot of errands and a lot to remember.

         I still have an aging parent, so I'm not just seeing changes in myself, but in him as well. He's getting more feeble. More things like sudden headaches scare him. I'm having to take over more duties, more yard work, more household chores that he's always done. I have to get involved with his bills and insurance as well as my own. I drive him almost everywhere now. I have to clean the house more because of his stiff arthritic fingers that drop everything, and his back is too stiff to bend over and pick anything up. The floors have to be swept and sometimes mopped multiple times in one day. We can't use cloth table covers, because he spills too frequently or knocks over something liquid. He grabs every door way and chair to steady himself, leaving hand prints behind. His skins bruises and cuts easily, so he sometimes bleeds and doesn't know it, then brushes against a wall, leaving stains behind. He's doing less hedge trimming, but still tinkers in the garage and works on lawn mowers, and so forth.

         I see a lot of older friends, some still married, others widowed, taking cruises or going on frequent vacations. I can't go anywhere because of my home responsibilities, and my dad can't travel more than an hour or two. He can't walk much if I take him to a free concert downtown. Parking is not easy, so he'd have to walk on uneven bricks, and curbs, all of which are a challenge to him. It would almost be easier if he would consent to a wheel chair on these rare occasions, but that is a threat to his dignity and he won't hear of it. At first, I was resentful of taking him to the post office and grocer store every week or on other errands, but I came to realize this was an outing for him. It involves level ground for walking, and gets him out of the house. It's my job to keep him active. I don't mind taking him to the doctor. I volunteered that early on, while he was still working, so that I could hear the doctor first hand. It also allows me input with the various doctors.
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         I have an older friend at church who has buried two wives. The wives did all the work, at least, until the last one really lost her faculties to Alzheimer's. He never did laundry, which you could see by the dirty dresses she wore to church. He took her to several community choirs, basketball games, and concerts. They stayed active even when she didn't always know who he was. There was no doubt he loved her, but he couldn't care for her at the end. Some ladies at church started helping by doing her laundry and going through her closet for things that didn't fit and found her a new winter coat. Eventually, she had to go to a facility for memory care and soon to a hospice. He is still active in things, but seems to be emotionally inept at most routine problems. His wives always handled things. He's brilliant. He is a retired math professor. But ordinary things are beyond him. He's in his 80;s and coping on his own, getting a lot of sympathy from his friends and church members. He seems to be healthy and intellectually astute, but so feeble in other ways.

         I have another friend who's 94 and she still cuts her own grass with a gas push mower. She walks regularly and paints, too. She still drives but only in the day. She doesn't travel now at all, but she traveled extensively when her husband was alive, and she was agile and healthy to enjoy it. She's already seen the world.

         I know a doctor my age who is retiring this month. He still loves his job, but he gets tired. He has no energy left for family or his church after working all day. It's not even like 5 or 6 years ago. He just gets too drained. He will consult only as needed, no procedures. He started the practice with a partner who was in 8th grade with me. The partner has already moved on to easier medical things. So their practice will continue without them, but with about ten other doctors.

         I have still more senior friends who keep on working or return to work, even older than I, to help support their children or other family members. One guy I knew said he'd have to work until the day he died. I know a number of retired men who tinker on machinery, like tillers or lawn mowers, just for a few extra dollars. Their schedule is their own. They usually do good, honest work, if you can wait until they get around to it.

         Aging is as different as the people facing it. But it generally involves slowing down, getting the big picture, and resting. Don't give in until you have no choice.