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Holiday blues

I guess it could be any other color, as if getting everything focused around my own hurt and emotional anguish will help anything. I really do not know what to do next. I guess above all is the desire that there be options rather than a sense of feeling trapped. Maybe I have gotten too old and jaded without knowing it.

It started with a being called into the office for something that did not feel good during work. It was more than painful, it really socked me in the gut leaving me breathless and in a sense without hope. I thought I was pretty good at doing work with intellectually disabled and left work thinking I was under delusion. It could not have been further from the truth and I am too old to fight. I would much rather give up. I felt betrayed on too many levels. I had been working at another house nearby and had no problems and let myself get sucked into believing that Whitney way was where I belonged all along. Then I get this paper to sign about how I had failed to follow protocol. There was no mincing of words. There was no thanks for a job well done. It was a message that said I could not work anywhere else for six months, so it feels like I am in a kind of prison. I was also told that contrary to my own admissions I was not needing to prove myself. It was as if there feelings disproved mine. And it felt worse to have two ladies looking on with no one to vouch for me. It was definitely in their interest to let the sisterhood reign and so now I have to make hard decisions about what comes next and there will be no easy answer.

The next day after the sentencing was really awful. I was left all alone to take care of meds and the needs of all the residents because the house manager was having trouble finding help. It was as if to say to me sink or swim. There was one person and yet she was no picnic. She yelled at me to tell her what to do as my mind was going a million different directions about what I was needing to do next to survive. And it felt like there was no one to call to ask for help. I got myself into the mess and now how do I get myself out. I was exhausted by the end of the shift mentally and emotionally. Part of me wondered why I even showed up. And I am guessing that is the way it will be every day forward no matter where I go. I used to like working and now it feels very awful. I used to have a smile and now my gut wretches wondering what I will do wrong next even if I do not intend to do anything wrong. I feel like a fool. The house has five male residents and I am the only male staff. I am of the opinion right or wrong that any of those female staff can have me put under investigation if they do not feel like I am treating them right. Conversely it feels like they can literally abuse the hell out of me and I have no voice. No one will listen. So now what? I guess it helps to put it on paper, even if it does not give me any relief.

I had so longed to go home and see my brothers and sisters in my exhausted state. Yet I check the phone and my sister tells me not to go. I feel like I have been punched in the head after I am already reeling from the pain to my ego. Do I disown everyone because of my sister? That seems pretty ridiculous. What good would that do. I just suck it up and try to smile and let everyone know that I can take it. That feels no better. It feels like all of a sudden I am this non person. Why was I born? I am thrown a lollypop in the form of saying that we can have quality time in January. Sis say "I will even buy your plane fare or at least part of it." Who is fooling who? I am the sucker as the oldest brother for thinking I had siblings that care. I do not even know if I will be working or if I am working if I can get the time off. She has already put in the time for herself with the assumption I can get the time off. Does she really want to see me? Who am I kidding. Well someone made it to their hundredth birthday. I can at least get some snacks. My wife is still sleeping. I have been told by her to leave and so I did in a not so nice way. It is nice to have a blog. At least there is someone with me if it is only myself.