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thoughts that escape the confines of my head |
| this journal is where I vent...to relieve the pressure of taking care of so many people. I'm a mother, grandmother and private duty nurse who used to work in a hospital. The thoughts here cover my life for over 40 years. I write at home, at work, on the beach...anywhere with access to a pencil...laptop...desktop |
| You Don't Have To Be Mobile To Move Someone I have a friend named Michael, he's a quadriplegic, and he leads a remarkable life. Though mute, and blind in one eye, Michael taps out short stories, directs photo shoots and prints out the pictures. There are dozens of abbreviations in his head for sentences, phrases and paragraphs. He creates these, and puts them in his computer to use for communicating with others. His computer is his voice. He burns CDs to give as Christmas presents, birthday presents and just being nice to someone presents. He then goes a step further and creates CD covers, complete with song titles and pictures. Michael's stories are descriptive and beautiful. Many are poignant tales of his past travels in Europe, travels with his parents and siblings before the accident that left him paralyzed. You are with him on his journeys, through the sights and sounds of his written words. I enjoy reading them. Even though so many make me cry, there is no self-pity in his words. He isn't regretting his loss; he's reliving what he had. This is his gift. He takes you with him. It can take him half an hour to write these words, because he uses his cheek to tap out the story in Morse Code. Everything he accomplishes on his computer is done this way: stories, prints, CDs. Still, he can make his day more productive than a lot of mobile people I know, including me. Few of us can imagine the willpower it takes to do what he does every day. Michael is also a local celebrity. His photos have been featured in several art shows in his hometown of Buffalo. Strangers are linked because of him. I often meet someone, who knows someone, who knows him. I describe his accomplishments and people know who he is. They are impressed just hearing about him. I started walking for exercise because of him. He once stated, via his computer, that he was amazed at how people choose to waste a perfectly good pair of legs. Then he smiled; we all did. His humor is infectious and inspiring. He must spell out his needs with a series of dots and dashes where one letter can be four taps long. This, however, will not deter him from using his cheek to tap out a funny comment that has us mobile people rolling with laughter. Tapping out a funny comment: now that's determination. Although he has no voice, he says a lot worth listening to. I owe my knowledge and use of computers to Michael. He learns programs on his own through trial and error. His persistence keeps frustration at bay. He's never intimidated by anything new. As long as his computer is on, and his switch is near his cheek, he needs little or no help to do what he wants. There was no way I could be around him, watching him work, and not be shamed into the techno century. I bought a computer and have now been learning, right along with Michael, the intricacies of these machines. There are times when he is sad or angry, but what impresses me, is how infrequently he displays negative emotions. I've seen some people looking sad or expressing anger so often that I wonder if they ever smile. They should meet Michael and realize that they're walking and talking, so why waste energy on negative emotions. Meet my friend and realize what you have and what you could lose. Meet Michael and be inspired. Michael has programmed his main requests into his computer with ‘please' at the end. There are abbreviations, which he put in his PC that do more than express his needs. He has compliments programmed in there too, and they're not just empty words, but are full of his appreciation for what you do for him. Michael is so considerate, that he has coded a separate and personalized ‘good day', ‘good night' and ‘thank you', for every nurse that has taken care of him since he's had a computer. That is a lot of unwarranted typing, but it's his way, and he knows we nurses appreciate it. I have never seen anyone meet Michael and not relax around him. He has a somewhat magical effect on people. His casual nature envelopes all in his company. Using his cheek and determination, he touches so many people that he is a pleasure to be around. I wish I could share his life with the world. So many could benefit from his attitude. His aspirations to make his life as full as possible are a testament to the inner strength in all of us, if we choose to seek it out. Michael makes CDs that move you to dance, he writes stories that move you to tears, and types comments that move you to laughter. With a tap of his cheek, he motivates those around him to higher levels of awareness and appreciation for being alive. He lip-syncs the songs he hears on his stereo, and with one eye, he sees so much to live for. He creates recipes that everyone in his life enjoys. Everything is richer in his world of few limitations. He conquers as many obstacles as he can, and exhausts all avenues of a new venture before giving up. We could all learn from his triumphs. Now please excuse me; I have to get moving. I have a friend to keep up with. |
| ...things can get confusing...and in the maze of your life...time slips away...is that good or bad...I guess it depends on whether or not you're hoping for something good to last...or dreading the encroachment of something bad...either way...time should never be wasted...I have filled my days with so very many things...visiting family...taking care of new patients and falling in love with writing again...I have so missed the passion of new ideas...new characters and old...and now I must post for Michael... |
| ...it will all come together...I can stay above the river of words that are so many writing projects...I miss deadlines...I lose train after train of thoughts and I visit this site and others I belong to...far too infrequently...the anniversary of my patient/friend's death was yesterday...I did not call his mother...I went to a baby shower to celebrate life anew...I did not want to mix the two ends of the natural world...so I checked accumulated e-mail and saw a reminder of this site standing alongside The Writer site...no one comes here and I have to slow down and learn what i must do to draw viewers...I'll start that now... |
| ...Sometimes it's harder to remember where you've been...then to remember where you're going... |
| ...I've been lost in over-thought...thinking about the night my dad killed my mom...I was sixteen and my mind has closed off so many details...I was sixteen...I should remember everything...my younger siblings remember more than I do...well all except the baby...she was only 6 in 1965. It was 16 days before Christmas. This weekend the siblings were supposed to get together and piece together our memories...just the five of us who witnessed the murder. ...There were 10 of us then...before my brother was killed in Viet Nam...just months after our mother's death. |
| ...nothing wrong here...people die...my patient of 12 years passed away...he'd been a friend for almost as long as I took care of him...he and his family were like a second family to me...he was paralyzed from the shoulders down...a diving accident at the age of 22...he'd also lost his ability to talk...for 5 years he didn't eat...when given the choice by his doctors to talk or eat again...he chose eating...he communicated with Morse Code and a computer...he told us he chose eating because...as he explained it... even when he could talk...he never had much to say...he's been dead 16 months now...I will always write about him somewhere... |
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