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All about my little life |
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For those who want to, here you can read all about my life. Don't expext spectacular things, I'm just a 19 year old girl, living on her own in Amsterdam, working as a nurse, and like a lot of people, unable to understand herself. This is me.. If you want to respond to anything I wrote, or just have something to say, please sign my guestbook at http://expage.com/cgibin/freepage.cgi/?PAGE_NAME=ilonaslife&FC=&html=/html/g_sig... |
| Some days, days like today, I realize how different my life is from other people around my age.. Now I'm not complaining, because like I said before I chose this life myself, and I really like it, but it just makes me think about what my life would've been looking like if I had chosen to go to school full time, instead of doing what I do now, going to school for 2 weeks about every 3 months, and working the rest of the time. There's no way I'd be living here in amsterdam. I would still be living with my parents, have all the weekends and nights off, so I'd be able to spend a lot of time with my friends. I would have met other people, be doing other things, I'd probably still be working at the animalshelter in the weekends, earning pretty much nothing. But after having had 5 early shifts, in which we hardly had a chance to eat properly, coming home to do pretty much nothing, except for falling asleep on the couch while watching tv, all of that doesn't even sound so bad.. I mean, I am only 19, what am I doing taking care of people who have braintumors, people who know they won't make it to the next year? What am I doing seeing people die? As a nurse people trust you, and tell you everything that's bothering them, how afraid they are to die, how they want to see their little girl or boy grow up, be with them on their fist day of school, etc, and how they know that won't happen.. They won't be there anymore.. Now when I'm at work, I act proffesionally, I listen to them, talk to them, be with them, but these aren't things you forget about when you leave the room. What am I doing? I'm only 19!! "I'll ride the trail till the stars turn pale And camp at the break of dawn Nobody will know which way I'll go They'll only know I'm gone. |
| You know what I really miss here in Holland? Enormous forests, pretty lakes, mountains reaching all the way up to the stars, deserts, endless nothing.. Places where you can pack a bag, walk into the sunset, and keep on walking for days, without seeing another human being for all that time.. Sleep under the stars.. Make dinner over a campfire.. Walk all day, seeing all the beauty nature has to offer.. (This one only works when you go with someone else, preferably boy or girlfriend, lol): making love under the stars all nigth long.. I wish Holland had such beauty and space to offer.. One day, believe me, I'll walk into the sunset, believe me, I will.. |
| Today one of my best friends got her driverslicence!! (In Holland you can't start taking driverslessons until you're 18) I'm so happy for her!! We went for a ride tonight and it was cool! I'm extremely tired today, I can hardly talk about anything else than being so tired!! Things at work are really busy, we have a lot of really sick people at the moment (which isn't that strange in a hospital, but it's worse than normally, so when I get home all I want to do is go to bed..) Anyway, Sabina (the girl that got the driverslicence) was missing someone in my last entry, so here it is.. The people that have been reading my diary on expage already known about this, but here's for the rest of you. There's this guy that I'm crazy about. Now the reason I didn't mention this before is that it could never work out between us so I should just forget about him.. But I can't.. He's a doctor at the hospital, and I've had this 'crush' on him ever since he came to work at the hospital, april last year. Well, actually he was already working at the hospital, but not where I was working, so I didn't know him before.. He is just so cute!! I don't know what to do this all of this, I mean, why would he possibly like me? I mean, he likes me, as a person to work with, that's it.. Every time I see him I just go crazy, and I wonder how you can be so crazy about someone you hardly know.. I mean I know hardly anything about him!! You remember Erik right, well anyway, even when I was with him, and believe me, I was crazy for him too, I still couldn't get Frank out of my head.. I remember waking up one morning, Erik next to me, and then I realized I had been dreaming about Frank.. Now isn't that sick?? |
| My first entry in my new online diary. I was kinda getting tired of the lack of space on expage, so here I am! Time seems to be going so fast lately, and so much has changed, yet everything is still the same.. I spend my days in the same routine almost everyday, working, sleeping.. i spend my days trapped inside my own life, and that is a life that I love, in a way, but sometimes I just feel like breaking free.. I have a job, a job which I love, some days more than others, but generally I really like it. Then I have my own place, which I really love, I can do whatever I want to, whenever I want to, and I just can't tell you how much I love it. I spend my days off with my friends, some here in Amsterdam, most in Almere, where I used to live, and as much as I love all of this, I don't know if I'll be able to explain this, but all these things keep me trapped here. I would love to pack up my stuff and go who knows where, travel the world, stay away for a year or so, but then I would lose my job, my appartment, everything. The longer I stay here, like this, the more I built a life around me that will keep me here. And that scares me sometimes. What if i spend the rest of my life here? What if I never get to do the things I've always wanted to do and dreamed of.. In the hospital I talk to so many old people, and they keep telling me, do what you want to do before it's to late. You always think you'll have plenty of time to do what you want, but if you'll keep saying that, you'll end up just like them, alone in bed, thinking of all the things they've always wanted to do but never did.. And then it'll be to late. What am I going on and on about? Who cares anyway? Today has been totally about Erik, my x-bf. Yesterday he called me 3 times, to talk, but I was afraid to pick up the phone, so he emailed me etc, asking me if I could call him, because we needed to talk, but I was too scared to, so I didn't. So this morning I saw him on msn, and so I told him that I didn't get his messages until late last night, and that I didn't want to wake him.. I don't think he believed me, but ok. So we talked (again) and he started asking questions about why I broke up (again), questions I couldn't answer, I tried to explain a million times, but he just doesn't get it. So then we decided (again) that we shouldn't be seeing eachother or talking over msn anymore, and said goodbye. I was very relieved, he keeps making things so difficult for me!! But then, not even 10 minutes later he sent me an email. About how he still didn't understand etc. I didn't reply, I mean, we just decided not to talk to each other anymore, and to leave each other alone. Then he started talking to me over msn again, once again, I didn't talk back, then I got another email, by that time I was really annoyed, and when I opened that email I was thinking of sending a reply asking him to please leave me alone. But in that email he said some more things, and said goodbye again (he sort of is that dramatic type of person..) and asked me not to reply on it. So that was it, at least by ending it like this I know I won't miss him anymore, he has been way to annoying these past few days!! So, now that is over I'm totally free and single again!! yay!! That'll be it for now, not much interesting to tell you all today. Love you all!! BTW, the name of my diary 'like me' the 'like'part isn't meant as like as in 'liking somebody', but as in 'just like me'.. Just wanted to explain that.. |
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