Review My Short Story Contest!

Hi

Let me first say that I had a little problem, you see I print out the stories that I review, it makes it easier, I can then write on the story what I think and afterwards go back and give my review, but my printer ran out of ink while I was printing, and I could read most, but some parts, strange enough in the middle of each page was basically unreadable.

If I have more time, I will read it online and send my full review, but here is the basic.

It starts of sounding like a Harry Potter story, but, it most defenitely is not, I was acctualy sorry when I came to the end, I was enjoying the story.

The last word in the first line - The name Cross, is fine but a bit confusing, sounds like an object and not a name, only later when you read futher does it make sence. But nothing wrong with that, just think about it...

Excuse my spelling, on spelling I can't help much but I only give you my oppinion!!!


Parragraph 5 - "So having no other things to do," Try " So having nothing else to do,"

Parragraph 6, top of my second page - Line 3 - "had a case to keep it in." Change last word. -Same line - "But he had to settle with it." Try " But he had to be content with what was more practical."

Parragraph 8 - Line 1 - The white-haired British (boy) had always been - ( ) add
Line 2 - Mana tried to approach him at (the) first (time). Take out "at" and insert "THE" and then add "TIME" at the end.

Parragraph 17 - ( I count the one liners also) - Line 3 - "gotten himself into (another) trouble (again)..... Remove "another" and add "again" at the end.

Parragraph 18 - Line 1 - "peered down at the boy with face - try - peered down at the boy with his face"

Parragraph 21 (page 3) - line 1 - just add a "S" to "thing" at the one of the first thought.

Parragraph 25 - line 4 - "glared at him and grabbed his front shirt," try "glared at him and grabbed the front of his shirt,"

Parragraph 28 - line 1 - "I was in a grave danger." try " I am in grave danger."

Parragraph 29 - line 3 - " him should he went back empty" try "him should he go back empty"

Parragraph 30 - last word - dusts. change to dust.

Parragraph 31 - line 1 - "will care for such thing" try " will care for such a thing"

Parrapraph 33 - line 1 - ",put off his cigarette," try ",put out his cigarette,"

Parragraph 34 - line 3 - 4 - "his most precious item taken away" try " his most precious item be taken away"


I did really like your story, and like I said, as soon as I have time I will go through it again and see if there is any other possible changes.

Good luck and a prosperous new year!!!!

Write on!!!!