Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Low Expectations"   by Christopher Roy Denton
Chapter: "Low Expectations - Chapter 1 " 
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I liked Rupert. He's a sympathetic character, does a good deed, and is easy to cheer for. I also liked Reg. Doubtless, he's a minor character who won't reappear, but attention to these "walk-ons" helps to bring a scene to life.

                                                             
Opening
You've actually got two openings here--one with Sara and one with Reg. They both do a good job of establishing POV, although both have POV wobbles (see the line-by-line remarks below).

                                                             
Plot
I can see the outlines of the plot already. Rupert has fallen for her at first sight, even though she's pretty unsympathetic. Almost totally unsympathetic, in fact. In any case, they have an initially hostile interaction to over come, but there's enough romantic tension on Rupert's side to foreshadow events.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

We've got a reaction to end thee first chapter, which is kind of a weak hook. I think you could do something stronger, despite the setup which is pretty strong by itself. Perhaps Rupert reaches a decision. After all, apparently he's just broken up with Abigail, right? More on this below...

                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person limited, first in Sara's head and then in Rupert's. I used to be in writers group on here that included some best-selling romance authors, and alternating the POV between the two principals was a common strategy. One author would even start a scene in one POV and then, midway, break to the other.

                                                             
Referencing
Lots of little bits that let me infer we're in modern-day UK. Some of the language was unfamiliar--e.g., "manky"--but clear from context.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Just right for me.

                                                             
Characters
I think the characters could use a bit more depth. I know this is the first chapter, but still...

Let's start with Sara. We know she's recently broken up with her live-in lover, but we don't much about the circumstances. Did he leave her *because* she's pregnant, for example, or does he even know? Was he abusive in some way? She refers to him as a "git," which I know is derogatory, but we are missing any detail. We also don't have much reason to cheer for Sara. If there were a way to have her do a gratuitous good deed in her section, something to show she's more than resentful about her ex-bf, I think it would help.

Moving on to Rupert, we know he's got a war wound and that it--apparently--led to Abigail leaving him. This makes him doubly a victim and thus sympathetic. He's even more so when he gives up his seat, although his motives for doing so aren't entirely clear. You imply he's a celebrity of some kind, or maybe Abigail is? In any case, he's featured on the front page of a tabloid. More to the point, I get the impression that his breakup with Abigail is *recent.* Yet here he is, enamored with Sara at first site, thinking romantic thoughts about her. To me, I'd think he'd be upset over his breakup, perhaps comparing Sara, favorably or not, to his treatment by Abigail (and the mysterious Jerry).

As you can see, I have almost opposing views on the two characters. In the case of Sara, all we get to see is her resentment, anger, and disappointment, plus a snippet of remorse that's tempered by her accepting the seat from someone who can't walk without a cane. In thee case of Rupert, who should have some of the same feelings of resentment, etc., about HIS breakup, we see almost none of that and instead have him rhapsodizing about Sara's eyes. So, what I'm saying is that we need to see more positives (and depth) to Sara and more of Rupert's negative feelings about his former relationship. Rupert's thinking about how wonderfully attractive Sara is didn't feel like someone who's just experienced a wrenching breakup.

                                                             
Grammar
I didn't find anything to complain about here.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I like the setup here. With some tweaking--see above--this will be a dynamite romance. My suggestion is that you NOT revise this chapter right now. Instead, I suggest you keep writing about how the relationship evolves. That lets you get to know your characters better. Once that happens, there's plenty of time to go back and tweak this chapter along the lines I suggested above.

In any case, good job!!! I'm looking forward to reading more.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
tear trickled down her freckled face.My Comment: She can’t see her face, so “freckled” is a POV violation.

Rupert Fitzherbert scratched his ginger beardMy Comment: He can’t see his "ginger" beard, either.

She saw a tall man in a cashmere coat and Savile Row suit who looked every inch the ex-Army officer he was. My Comment: Hops into her head. If you lead with “he supposed...” you’d stay in his head.

Jerry’s terrified expression from Rupert’s memories.My Comment: Who is Jerry? Or is this a diminutive for Abigail?

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
http://MaxGriffin.net

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