Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Wanted Man"   by TheWritist
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

I see that you are new to Writing.Com, so let me offer my personal welcome to the site. This is a great place to post your work, receive reviews, and make new friends, both personal professional. There are countless resources available here, and the site can be a bit intimidating at first. If you have any questions, please feel free to drop me a note. I hope that you find your time here as rewarding as I've found mine.

                                                             
What I liked best
From your note, this is an excerpt from a longer piece. It has a great hook at the end and did a great job of putting the reader in Red's head. I especially liked the opening sentence!

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your starts with Red acting and interacting with his fictional world. This puts readers in his head and thus helps to draw them into the fictional world. You name Red in the first sentence, which also helps put readers in his head. Subsequent sentences orient the reader in time and place. Overall, this is an effective and immersive opening. Good job!

I do have a suggestion regarding point-of-view, but I'll reserve that for a bit later.

                                                             
Plot
This describes the precipitating incident in a longer piece, most likely a novel. By the end, we're clear on Red's goals, the stakes involved, and the obstacles he faces. Goals, stakes, and tension are the basis of tension, the engine that drives your story forward, so this is an awesome start.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

The sheriff's reaction to finding the body is a disaster for Red, so your cliff-hanger is a perfect hook. I do wonder what Red is thinking as he's being dragged along behind a horse; it might make it all a little more personal if we had a sense of the panic and pain he must be enduring.

                                                             
Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

There are several places that provide evidence of omniscient narration. For example, there's that phrase, "Crunch, Crunch -Snikt- .Thud." from the opening. Red's asleep, right? So he can't have consciously been aware of the sounds until after his eyes flutter open. Instead the omniscient narrator is standing outside the story, stating a fact. It would be better--and you'd stay in Red's point of view--if his eyes fluttered opened and hears the sounds simultaneously, and then concludes that sounds must have been what woke him.

You're correct that it's important to keep the readers in the here-and-now, which means that you report what happens in the order in which Red experiences the events. The key with point of view is to keep the readers inside Red's head while staying in the here-and-now.

For the most part, this story DOES use third person limited, but it wobbles here and there, as in the above note. In the line-by-line remarks below, I've flagged some of the places where the POV wobbles into omniscient narration. It would be a trivial matter to revise these few spots to keep everything in Red's point of view. This would make an already good chapter more intimate and immediate for the readers, and thus is my main recommendation for this piece.

                                                             
Referencing
From context, we learn this is the Old West. Good job relaying this information from the words and deeds of your characters.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
This is sufficient for scene-setting--I could tell where the characters were in relation to each other. You also included sound, sight, and smell as the sensations Red experiences, so good job with that.

                                                             
Characters
While the calamitous events of this story establish cogent goals, stakes, and obstacles for Red, we learn a bit less about him as a person. What was he doing out there, all alone? We see him trying to help the injured Marshall, so we know he's not uncaring. But, he seems a bit unmoved that the man dies and seems to have only thoughts of escape, so there's that. In short, I'd like to know a touch more about who Red is before the events of the story.

                                                             
Grammar

There are several minor typos in this piece. I've flagged a few of them in the line-by-line remarks below. I sympathize, since I have a difficult time proof-reading my prose, too. Sometimes it helps to put things aside for a day before re-reading. Sometimes it helps to read your story line-by-line, but backwards from the ending. That way, you're more focused on the sentences and less on the story. Even so, a beta reader with a sharp eye is often my savior.

Commas.
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Except for a few minor bobbles in point-of-view, this story does a great job of putting the readers in Red's head and in the here-and-now of ongoing events. There's lots of tension and suspense, and you've got an awesome hook to make readers want to turn the page to find out what happens next. Thanks for sharing, and do keep on writing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
His dyning fire’s flame admitted a dim glowMy Comment: typo

Something glissend that blinded Red. My Comment: typo: “glistened.” Also, “glisten” usually means a faint, intermittent glow, so it’s hard to see how it would blind Red.

Suddenly a tail coat took shape.My Comment: typo—I think

The stranger’s face then became stern and worried like and he grabbed onto his neck. My Comment: Typo—“worried-like?” I’d just say, “worried.”

The grip slowly and slowly loosened and the man's stare became more and more vacant. My Comment: missing comma after “loosened.”

he spotted a shiny metal badge on the stranger’s peck.My Comment: peck?

He quickly ran back up the hill to find his horse and escape,My Comment: note the adverb. “rushed,” maybe, or “sprinted” for a more precise verb?

- Thwap -
Red was attacked with the butt of the man’s gun. Knocking him unconscious and sending him rolling down the hill. “Too many questions. I don’t need questions right now.” The man stressed.My Comment: Who heard this? Not Red, since he’s unconscious. The POV slips from Red to his attacker here. Also, earlier the man was pointing his gun at Red, so how does he then move to clubbing Red with the butt of his weapon? Perhaps he pistol-whips Red instead, which wouldn’t require him to stop pointing his gun at his victim.

Food, poncho, cantine, and rifle all goneMy Comment: typo: canteen

The cold western rain bathed Red in the empty field. Buzzz - Smack. Red smacked a fly off his face as he slowly awoke.My Comment: Here, we’re back in Red’s head, except that the first sentence is the omniscient narrator stating a fact.

Red screeched to a quick stop.My Comment: “Screech” is a sound. Hard to imagine how he’d make that sound while riding a horse.

The man with the bushy mustache from the bar was speaking.My Comment: what bar?

Red’s face began to look tense and yellow. My Comment: Red can’t see his face, so this is a POV violation.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
http://MaxGriffin.net

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