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Max Griffin
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Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I apologize for the dilatory character of this review. I read and enjoyed this when you first posted, but events intervened to delay my review.

I really liked this tale of the frontier. It reminded me of some of the stories Mark Twain wrote early in his career, highlighting the foibles of the settlements of the old west.

                                                             
Style and Voice
I enjoyed this story, including its evocation of Twain's early style. But...the omniscient narrator that this story uses has all but disappeared from modern fiction.

There are good reasons for eschewing the omniscient narrator, not the least of which is editorial expectations. However, there are also good artistic reasons for using either first person or third person limited point-of-view characters: it draws the reader deeply into the point-of-view of one character and, thus, into the fictional world. Properly done, it increases both the immediacy and intimacy of the story.

Ordinarily, I'd spend some time recommending that the story be re-worked to avoid the omniscient narrator, but I think the case is less clear-cut than usual with this story. But, I do have a suggestion...

Perhaps you could have a modern-day great-grandchild of Blake exploring the ghost town Carmen. He's interested in an old family tale passed down from his great-grandfather. You could frame the story with this grandchild standing on a dusty hill reading gravestones, remembering the story his grandfather told him...then switch to a first person narrator--the grandfather's recollections of his own father's voice, telling the story. That gives you a point of view for the story--about 30% of modern fiction uses first person narrators. You could then return to the present at the end with the grandson finding the tombstone in question, framing the narrative. I'm not sure if this structure would really help, and there would still be challenges since some of the events happen outside Blake's view, but it might be worth considering.

I actually think you'd be better off with no framing, and just launch the story at the funeral, in Blake's point-of-view, and end it with him in cemetery, after replacing the coins, reading his brother's tombstone before he leaves, but that's just me. It also somewhat weakens the homage to Twain.

                                                             
Opening

Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

As it stands, we have an omniscient narrator, standing outside the here-and-now of ongoing events, telling the readers stuff about Carmen, NV. It's not until the third paragraph that the precipitating events actually begin, and even then they are largely narrated--told rather than shown. We don't meet Blake until the eighth paragraph, yet he and his brother are the primary characters of the story.

So, whether or not you take my advice above on the narrative structure, I think Blake needs to appear as early as possible in the story. He could be squirming on the hard benches, with sweat burning his eyes while the preacher drones on. "Squirming," "hard benches," "sweat buring," and "droning" are all subjective, which help to put readers in Blake's head, but also help to bring the scene to life. You can convey the same information, but doing it from Blake's POV helps to ground the readers and make it more immediate and intimate.

                                                             
Plot
Once the story gets started--in particular, when the two brothers begin their task with the coffin--the plot proceeds nicely. Tension increases, with a satisfying resolution.

Poe, one of the first masters of short stories, said that they should end as soon as possible after the climax. Here, that would be after replacing the coins and the conversation in the cemetery. I enjoyed reading the rest of Blake's story, but the story about the tombstone really ends in cemetery and the rest feels a bit tacked on.

                                                             
Characters
The two brothers are main characters, of course, and they are masterfully drawn. But there are innumerable minor characters scattered about, all with delightful detail. I lived this part of the story!

                                                             
Grammar
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Passive voice. Passive voice tends to put readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to active participants, imagining your fictional world along with you. For this reason alone, it's generally better to use active verbs rather than passive ones. Instead of saying the brothers were recruited by Cecil, for example, say Cecil recruited the brothers, to make Cecil an active part of the scene.

One other comment. I liked the transcription of Vadoma's accent, except that I had to stop and puzzle it out. This tended to draw me out of the flow of the story, so I wonder if if might be better to be a bit less heavy-handed, so that what she is saying is clear without having to stop and think?

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked this story quite a lot. The characterizations throughout were marvelous, and the story itself was neat little package of old west seasonings. Thank you for sharing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
much lovedMy Comment: much-loved, to be consistent with "well-seasoned" earlier

The brothers were recruited by one of Carmen’s posse of peacekeeping vigilantes,My Comment: passive voice.

The brothers were recruited by one of Carmen’s posse of peacekeeping vigilantes,My Comment: passive voice.

“Yeah, peaceful-like. Let's keep it that way,” gruffly spat Cecil My Comment: Note the adverb. “Spat” is a fine verb that indicates emotion and doesn’t need an adverb to pep it up. I note in passing that I’ve had editors insist to me that a speaker can’t “spit” words (true), but in this case, it’s a metaphor for the tone.


as he slowly strode from the church. My Comment: Another adverb...perhaps “ambled” would be a more precise verb?

Having witnessed the despicable act, Blake dropped the coffin’s lid and quickly latched on to his brother’s wrist. My Comment: This puts us inside Blake’s head since we know what he ‘witnessed.’ This is the first indication of a point-of-view other than the omniscient narrator.

This gave Slade the opportunity to quickly reach into the coffin and again steal Jimmy’s pennies. Hastily, the thief dropped them into his one of his pants’ pocket.My Comment: This reports something Blake didn’t see, so we’re back to the omniscient narrator.

With a sly smirk, Slade agreed. “Yes sir, Jimmy my friend. Most proud.”My Comment: Slade’s response to Blake’s speech—both the wink and the words—need to be in a stand-alone paragraph.

Jimmy was loaded onto a wagonMy Comment: passive voice.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!