Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Fool in the Rain"   by Kit MacPherson
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I loved tracking down the source material for this snippet of mythology. Your naiad--she's Nemea, right?--speaks with a contemporary voice, but that's another charming aspect of this little piece.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

The first paragraph has important information and, especially, it introduces the narrator's voice. However, the story really starts in the second paragraph where subjective sensations and emotions work together to really draw the readers into the fictional here-and-now. I wonder if there might be a way to swap the first and second paragraphs. Of course, you'd also need to remove the final sentence from the second paragraph since it transitions to the action in the 3rd paragraph. You could insert it as a stand-alone sentence, with minor revision, right before the 3rd paragraph and keep the transition.

                                                             
Plot
A mission from Aphrodite should suggest romance to readers, but you've got a bit of misdirection since our naiad thinks the person she's to meet will have a gory fate. That's not unsurprising, given the nature of Greek myth, and provides a nice twist. But, for foreshadowing, you might give her some longing for love early on. That gives her a goal. She might even lament the impossibility of finding a soulmate among mortals. In any case, it gives her a goal, which helps with tension and plot. It also helps to give her a character arc which closes at the ending. Of course, I'm reading this to include the person Nemea weds in the myth, which means he's not exactly mortal.

One feature of the Nemean myth is that she was the nurse of the Nemean lion, the one Hercules was charged with slaying as one his twelve labors. Sneaking in a reference to
lions might be a nice touch, just add a layer to the mythical references (assuming I've read them correctly--there's only one naiad I could find with the parentage mentioned in this story).

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person. No slips.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
I could maybe use a touch more, although what's here is nicely done. Certainly, it's sufficient for staging.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

At less than 1000 words, this qualifies as flash fiction. It's really hard to tell a complete story in that length and still reveal the main elements through the words and deeds of the characters, but you managed it well. Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
I don't have much here--this is well-crafted.

“Your name, sir. I don’t believe we’ve been introduced.”My Comment: Really, I think you should reveal his name.


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
http://MaxGriffin.net

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