Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Breakthrough"   by Anni Pon
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I loved having a dog for the point-of-view character!! I also loved the twist at the end when the identity of the Master dovetailed with the earlier descriptions of him, like a key fitting a lock.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening answers the who, what, when, and where questions, although it's not until the last sentence of the first paragraph that it's clear that the first person narrator is a dog. Your opening paragraph also consists of the narrator stating facts, such as the Master is a funny man.

My main suggestion is to tweak the opening so that the readers are inside the narrator's head as soon as possible. Dogs live in a world of scents, so launching with smells and other internal sensations helps to do that. Of course, it's also important to know that the narrator is a dog, so you might have Master ruffle his ears and describe a thrill running down his spine setting his tail awag. These are minor tweaks, but I think they'd both be more immediate and intimate and pull the reader into the POV and the here-and-now more quickly.

                                                             
Plot
Kurt Vonnegut once said every character should want something. Our narrator has simple wants that mostly center on satisfying his Master, and they are well-articulated. Master wants something, too, and he's seeking it in his notes toys. Both wants are fulfilled at the end, closing the circle.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person. No slips. Loved it.

                                                             
Referencing
By appearances, this involves the discovery of the famous equation, right? Except from a dog's POV. That's hilarious and genius at the same time. However, the real "Master" was, at the time, living with his first wife in an apartment in Switzerland, and his spouse is nowhere to be found. So the historical referencing is a little off, but that's kind of beside the point and is a trivial quibble. I wouldn't change anything.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
As noted above, I'd add more smells to the setting. Koontz uses a dog for the POV in a couple of chapters of "Dragon Tears." He's always getting distracted by the most interesting new smell. It's worth a look.

                                                             
Characters
In real life, Master had a dog named Chico Marx. In an interview, he once said, "“The dog is very smart. He feels sorry for me because I receive so much mail. That’s why he tries to bite the mailman.” It would be fun if you could work this in somehow.

                                                             
Grammar

Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I loved this story and the narrator! Thank you for sharing!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Master has just hit his hand on his piles of toys loudly.My Comment: Note the adverb. How about, “Master just smashed his hand against his pile of toys.”

But I am not too worried. I know he will return shortly. He always does. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but he still comes back to sit with his toys, even when they make him angry. In the mean time, My Comment: typo: meantime is one word.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
http://MaxGriffin.net

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