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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I always like stories with Twilight Zone style twists, and this one delivered!

                                                             
Style and Voice
Both parts of this story use an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

The heart of the story is the conflict in the longer, opening section. My main suggestion for this story is to use third person limited here, using the young son to provide the point of view.

Mostly, the story is already in his POV, so the revisions required would be minor. However, anything you can do to deepen the connection to the POV character will likewise deepen the connection to the here-and-now of ongoing events.

Now, this presents a challenge in view of the twist at the end: you have to be honest in your descriptions of the character's sensations and thoughts. For example, you can't really say that sobs wracked is body since, well, he can't sob. But you cab say anger and fear choked his evert breath. You could have his limbs tremble when his mother strokes his face. He could see an infinite reflection of himself in her eyes (she has hundreds of them, right?) You might even have him start to fall into a trance when he stares at the light and then shudders and turns away.

The idea is to draw the readers in to his head. They'll be thinking he's human, of course, but they'll also be aware that something might be a little off. Then, at the end, it'll be like a lock fitting a key when the twist makes everything fall into place. You'll fool them, but you won't deceive them.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

See above. The opening especially feels like an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling the readers things. Instead, you want the readers inside the here-and-now of ongoing events, imagining the details along with you. You can do this by putting them in the head of the POV character.

                                                             
Plot
Ah, this is about the obsession of cults. Oh, wait...

                                                             
Transition
You specifically asked about the transition between the two segments. When I first read this, I thought perhaps we were seeing the young son, all grown up, with his child. Of course, that blew up right away when the reality of the two scenes became apparent.

I actually liked the flash of light when it became apparent what was really going on. As above, I'd establish a POV, probably the father. So, instead of "they sat on the porch...", you might lead with something like, "Eli sat with his son on the hard, concrete steps of their back porch. A cool evening breeze prickled his skin, and he put an arm around his son. Moths fluttered and buzzed overhead, drawn to the glow of the streetlamp." The idea is to use subjective terms like "hard steps" and "cool breeze" "prickling" his skin to put the readers inside his head. I'd consider adding the moths to set up the big reveal, but it might be overkill.

However, other than establishing POV for the final section, I think the transition is fine. It's clear we're in a new setting, and the reveal is awesome.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging...although the first section might feature the hypnotic appeal of the light a bit more.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked the premise and execution of this story. I especially liked the twist. My comments on POV are at the edges of an otherwise well-done tale. Thank you for sharing!!!

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
http://MaxGriffin.net

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