Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I liked the strangeness of this piece. The narration is matter-of-fact, but the events are not. Indeed, Doris's fate was pretty grisly, hidden away in the narrator's calm rendering.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

We learn early on that we have a first person narrator. Somewhat belatedly, we learn his name is "Joe." The opening certainly tells the reader what's going on, but it has confusing elements, as well. For example, the reference to a "lunarscape" made me think this was happening in a future moon colony, although that fit with none of the other details. Still, the idea was persistent through at least half the story.

We get lots of Joe's internal thoughts, but almost none of his sensations in the opening paragraphs, so it's hard to feel like we're really inside his head. It's rather more like we're sitting across from him while he tells us his story. The overall sense of "Here-and-now" events is tenuous, although I admit that might be purposeful since Joe seems to be a bit disconnected himself. Reference to his rehab and Doris being his nurse constitute further suggestions of his mental state...but that's long after the opening paragraphs.

                                                             
Plot
I don't want to reveal too much in this review, but it's clear from the outset what Joe has done and where Doris is at--even more so when he cooks dinner.

I have sense, though, that this story is less about the specific events it describes than it is an allegory. I'm not so good at figuring out hidden meanings, but I'm suspecting this has something to do with drugs. Certainly, the paperboy sought drugs, and the other two visitors expressed an urgency to "see Doris." The suggestion is that she slept with them, but it would also be reasonable to suppose she met their needs in other ways. References to Joe's rehab and Doris being a nurse strengthen the notion that the visitors are seeking drugs and that Joe is--perhaps--trying to stop using them?

The problem here is mine--I'm not familiar enough with drug culture in general or with UK idiom to catch whatever hints there might be regarding allegorical meanings for this story.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, in Joe's head. He's pretty clearly an unreliable narrator. Despite being in his head, I didn't feel a really strong connection with him. The bit where he cooks and later eats his meal is filled with sensory information, but it's almost too late by then. I wonder if adding some sensory information in the opening would help to draw readers into Joe's head from the outset?

                                                             
Scene/Setting
I could use more here. Some of the descriptions, particularly when Fred arrives.

                                                             
Grammar
Nothing major...I only found one phrase to flag in the line-by-line.

I did notice that you're not consistent in capitalization. "Doris" is sometimes written with an upper case "D" and sometimes with a lower case "d." I thought maybe the difference had to do with whether it was in Joe's head or in the speeches of the other characters, but it appears to be random, which leads me to think it must be a typo.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I enjoy allegorical stories when I can figure them out. They exist on two levels--the level of the here-and-now of the story and the deeper level of the allegory. Hemingway said, "I tried to make a real old man, a real boy, a real sea, a real fish, and real sharks. But if I made them good and true enough, they would mean many things. The hardest thing is to make something really true and sometimes truer than true." The best allegories exist on both levels.

Thanks for sharing. I always enjoy reading things that make me think. I don't know that this review will do you much good, but thanks for letting me read your story.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
...did doris had enough time?...My Comment: Something is amiss here...



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
http://MaxGriffin.net

Check out my latest release!

ASIN: B00THNWLJY The Hounds of Hollenbeck Product Type: Kindle Store Amazon's Price: $ 5.99 Buy Now!