Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I liked the sequence of zany attempts that the POV character takes in stride.

                                                             
Style and Voice
You've made the unusual choice of a second person narrator. In theory, this would help put the reader inside the story, but there's a reason so few stories use this narration scheme. It's so unusual that it draws attention to itself rather than the fictional world. For this reason, it's doubly important the author draw the reader into the here-and-now of the fictional world. For example, including sensual information such as smells, textures (touch), and internal sensations only the POV character can feel helps to solidify POV. We experience reality in a linear fashion, so both time reversals in this story draw readers out of the here-and-now.

From this opening, I don't see a reason in the plot for the second person narrative. Perhaps there is something later, or perhaps I'm I'm just missing it, but either first person or third person limited would provide narrative structure at least as intimate and immediate as second person and far easier to work with.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your first two sentences are quite good, but then almost immediately we leave the here-and-now for a flashback that runs three or four paragraphs. This disrupts the flow of events and works against drawing the readers into the here-and-now of the fictional world.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging, i.e., I could tell where the characters were in relation to one another.

                                                             
Characters
Vonnegut once said that every character should want something, even if it's just a glass of water. This is especially true of the principal characters, who should have a goal. The goal needs to matter: something bad happens if the character fails to achieve their goal. These are the stakes. Finally, there need to obstacles to achieving the goal.

There's a natural conflict between goals and obstacles. The outcome of that conflict matters because of the stakes. This gives rise to tension, which is the engine that drives the plot and hence the story.

So, this is another challenge with a second person narrator--giving "you" goals, stakes, and obstacles peculiar to the story. If the goal is to, say, eat coconut pie and the reader hurls at the taste of coconut (like me), that's a hard goal for "you," i.e., me the reader, to assimilate. More to the point, I didn't find much in the way of goals, stakes, or obstacles in this story for any of the characters.

                                                             
Grammar

Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I liked the zany series of events and see real potential in the plot. I can even see the second person narration working, although it presents technical challenges as noted above. Indeed, most of my comments revolve about the idea of the fictional dream.

I note in passing that your review request suggested that this was a screenplay, yet it's written as though it's a short story--or a section of a short story. Plays, whether for theatre, TV, cinema, or radio are quite different from fiction meant to be read, alone, from a printed page. While screenplays and radio scripts have a written form, they are meant to be performed and so there is a living element that is missing from fiction meant to be consumed by reading it. In a movie or TV show, for example, there are the actors, the score, the set, the Foley artist, and the *camera* to augment and enhance the written word. In particular, the camera becomes the eye of the audience, which is why the opening of the original "Halloween" was so effective--it was, in essence, a second person opening making the audience complicit in the murders.

The challenge with written fiction is that it has none of those extra elements. All that we have are the words on the page. But those words, when crafted with care and heart, convey all the emotions and effects available to a screenplay performance. The difference is that those emotional elements happen inside the readers' heads, which is why the craft is so important.

If this really is a screenplay, it's a fine one and my comments don't apply. I'm not competent to review a screenplay, in fact, although this looks good to me. As a short story, I love the zany progression of events and POV character's matter-of-fact responses, so I see great potential for it as a story. Thank you for sharing, and do keep on writing.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Before the camel happenedMy Comment: Three sentences in, and we have a time reversal. Why not start the story here so you can tell it linearly?

thrown tissues and empty diary cartonsMy Comment: I wasn’t aware diaries cam in cartons...oh, wait. You must mean DAIRY cartons.

After looking out your window you made your way to the bathroom groggily.My Comment: “made your way...” is pretty tepid, but the way to pep it up is with a more precise verb rather than an adverb. Maybe “staggered?”

but the camel bellowed hallowly at your feet.My Comment: typo

You remembered the first time you were at the Inn. My Comment: this launches a second flashback...

Based on it’s reaction My Comment: “it’s” with an apostrophe is a contraction for “it is.”



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
http://MaxGriffin.net

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ASIN: B00THNWLJY The Hounds of Hollenbeck Product Type: Kindle Store Amazon's Price: $ 5.99 Buy Now!