Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Of Faith, Friends and Family"   by writethewritten
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Thank you for submitting your work for me to read. I see that you joined WDC just a few days ago, so I'd like to welcome you here. This is a great place to share your work with others, to read, to learn, and to grow as an author. There are also many social opportunities here, mostly related to writing. The site is so rich and varied, it can be overwhelming, so don't hesitate to drop me a note if you have questions.

                                                             
What I liked best
This piece follows the evolution of a young person seeking more in life. It follows the main points on her journey, to the end point where she's absorbed into the entity's family and--apparently--left her own. This is an intriguing plot, told with allegorical language. It's well-written in it's own way--although I'll have more to say on that below.

When you sent this to me, you noted that you hadn't done anything creative in a long while and that you found it cathartic to do so. I certainly know that feeling, and I want to both congratulate you on responding to the creative urge and encourage you to continue. This is a heartfelt piece, one that has more than one possible interpretation. You've got a beginning, middle, and end, but where the young woman winds up is open to more than one interpretation. That ambiguity is, I think, a good thing. It lets the readers find their own meanings in what you've written, and the lack of judgement about the ending encourages readers to do exactly that.

So, these are all positive things. I'm going to have some other observations for you that aren't criticisms, exactly. They are more comments about how you could make this piece more effective.
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Fictional Dream
I should begin by saying that most of what follows assumes that you intend this specifically as fiction. If you intended this as something you might deliver as a sermon, or lecture, or speech, it's pretty good and none of the comments that follow apply. But this forum is for fiction, not for sermons or lectures, so I'm thinking you wanted me to comment on it as if it were submitted as fiction. If you didn't intend this as fiction, stop reading and know that I think you did a fine job.

If you did intend it as fiction, then please read on.

I'm a mathematician by training, so when I started thinking about writing fiction, I went looking for theoretical constructs to help me figure out how. It turns out that most authors don't have a "theory of writing," but if you carefully read a lot of fiction, you'll see that the idea of "fictional dream" underlies most of it. This was articulated by John Gardner, and if you are serious about writing fiction I strongly recommend his book.

The idea is that the reader enters a fiction dream, induced by the author. The readers imagines the fictional world, the characters, the emotions, and all the other intimate details of the story. The words on the page help to create this dream. The craft of writing fiction involves, to a large extent, techniques for creating and sustaining this fictional dream.

To be sure, there are bigger structural elements--the three act structure, for example. There's characterization, tension, story arcs, setting, dialogue, and so on. But the base is the fictional dream.

Now let me turn to your story. In the context of the fictional dream, you've got a great outline of a story, but the elements of the fictional dream are absent.

A story is about characters who interact with each other and their physical world. We learn about that world through the words and deeds of the characters. A story needs to start with the characters inside the fictional world, acting, doing, and striving. It needs to show things as opposed to telling them.

Just as an example, your first sentence tells us a lot of stuff about your protagonist: "She was a sentimental soul. Young, outwardly confident and bold... but inwardly troubled." That's a good start on characterization, but it's all told. Readers will want to get to know your character through her words and deeds, holistically, the way that they get to know people in the real world. Thus, you might create a short scene where she interacts with someone--maybe a sister or parent--and reveals through her words and deeds the traits that you describe. Readers will infer them from her actions, which is more intimate and immediate. Because it's more intimate and immediate, it's also more memorable.

Also, you need to name the young lady. That helps draw people into her head.

What you've written is a list of events that had a powerful impact on the young woman's life. She's transformed from the beginning to the end. You even got the three-act structure. What's missing is that it's all told in narrative form. Her friends tell her things. She tells her family things. But we never hear the actual words they speak. That's (one) difference between showing and telling.

As I said above, what you have is something that would make an effective speech, sermon, or lecture. But you sent to a place that is specifically for fiction, which is why I made the above comments.

As fiction, what you have is a great outline. It's even more than that. For example, you've got the basics of a three-act structure. Your protagonist has a goal--to discover what's missing in her life. The stakes are high, since no one wants to live a life without meaning. Well, almost no one. The obstacles are high, too, since there are so many conflicting ways to achieve meaning, and some of them (maybe most of them) destroy life rather than enlighten it. The point is that there's a conflict betnween her goals and the obstacles. The outcome of that conflict matters because of the stakes. This leads to tension, which is the engine that keeps readers engaged in your story.

You've got the basis here for a powerful story, for one with universal meaning. For the first time trying something creative "in a long time," in your words, that's impressive.


                                                             
Grammar
I almost always find something to whine about for grammar, but not here. Good job!

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
To reiterate, one way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Your characters need to live in the here-and-now of ongoing events. That will bring them, and the fictional world, to life. This story certainly deserves the extra effort. I am sure you have skills to do this. I'm not saying it will be easy (you should see what I wrote when I first started trying my hand at fiction!), but it's worth the effort. You have the creative itch, so scratch it by writing, then writing more!

Good luck, and don't hesitate to write to me again.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
I only found one minor thing to comment on, and I'm not sure about that.
The anklets and thread had been accepted and with them the pretence and the misrepresentation, My Comment: In the US, it would be “pretense,” but I’m not sure about the UK spelling.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
http://MaxGriffin.net

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