Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "A Trip To Nowhere"   by E. B. Bloomfield
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
The atmosphere of this dystopic, post-apocalyptic world is well drawn and, appropriately, smothering.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

From the details of the setting, it's clear that this is about survivors of an apocalypse. Knowing what kind of story we're reading is certainly a plus. You orient the readers in space and post-apocalypse time, which is also a plus.

I do have some suggestions for improvement, however.

First, I'm not sure why you don't name Vladimir in the first paragraph instead of referring to him as "the man." We learn his name in the second paragraph, so why not in the first? Naming him will help put readers in his head and draw them into the story.

Second, the only *action* in this paragraph is Vladimir entering the shelter. The rest of the paragraph is description of the interior. Indeed, it took me a while to figure out that Vladimir was entering from the outdoors as opposed to, for example, a locked safe, so the orientation of the readers could be marginally improved. However, my main objection--that nothing really happens in the opening--remains. Starting in media res, in the middle of action, is always good advice.

Some other, also minor, stylistic elements appear in the opening paragraph and later in the text. I'll mention those in the line-by-line documents below.

Finally, while the opening paragraph establishes what kind of story this will be, it doesn't really introduce any tension. More on this in the next section.

                                                             
Characters
Vladimir provides the point of view and is the main character. We even eventually get a notion of his goal, namely survival. This certainly has high stakes. The obstacles come from the details of the shelter, including the paucity of resources and Dmitri's taciturn nature. He has other goals, to be sure, which have to include abetting loneliness and, perhaps, guilt as well. Then there's the consequences of his disorder to deal with, although we learn about that quite late in the story.

The conflict between goals and obstacles gives rise to tension. The outcome of the conflict matters to Vladimir--and presumably to the readers--because of the stakes. Except that we don't get much urgency from Vladimir about surviving, but rather a kind of grim, even dreary determination. This reduces the tension rather than increases. Since tension is the engine that drives your story--and generally is what keeps readers engaged--this could, in my view, be improved. It wouldn't take much to tweak the story hear and there to highlight Vladimir's goals or use them to more explicitly frame his actions.

We get plenty of hints about Dmitri, BTW, which are cleverly inserted in the narrative. Thus, Vladimir's goal probably includes abetting loneliness and possibly guilt as well.

                                                             
Plot
In order for "survival" to have meaningful stakes, Vladimir has to *want* to survive. We have a clear sense that he does, since he goes outside to forage for supplies and becomes annoyed when he thinks Dmitri is free-loading by just sitting there. Potentially, he wants to survive because of the companionship he gets from Dmitri, but I don't recall that being a strong thread.

Eventually, the obstacles overwhelm the goal, which should provide fruition for the plot. The legendary Billy Wilder once said that "in the first act of a story you put your character up in a tree and the second act you set the tree on fire and then in the third you get him down.” This story has all three elements, but the character doesn't really react to the critical places where the plot turns which, generally, are places where the tension ramps up. If you seek out critical turning points in the plot and find ways to highlight them, I think you'll improve the pacing and tension of the story.

I note in passing that the story in fact ends with a release of the tension--Vladimir is no longer in that burning tree. It's just not a HEA (happy ever after) ending.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

From the teaser, it sounded like this was the setup for a longer work. If so, I don't think it works in view of the ending. I could write more on why, but I could be wrong in thinking this is a prelude to a longer story and I don't want to give away too much of the story.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Vladimir's head. A couple of minor wobbles, noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Kurt Vonnegut once said that every word should advance character or plot, and preferably both. Setting can certainly do both, but extended descriptions of setting where nothing else happens can significantly slow the pace. The first paragraph is one of several examples where this happens.

                                                             
Grammar
I noted no grammatical errors.

However, there are some elements of craft that could be improved. Some examples are:

Repeated Words. If the same word or phrase appears more than once in close proximity, it can make your prose seem monotone.

Imprecise Adjectives. Words like "large," "small," and so on don't provide scale and should be avoiced. A "small" room might be "cramped," for example.

Very. Mark Twain once said that every time he was tempted to use the "very," he would instead use profanity. He knew his copy editor would cut the swear word and thus his text would look the way it should have in the first place. The point is that "very" is one of those pointless words that add nothing to the text.

"Why," she questioned. Elmore Leonard said to never use any word except "said" as a dialogue tag. I wouldn't go that far, but it's something to think about.

I've tagged one or more instances of the above in the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a good story, with the ending cleverly foreshadowed in the text. I think it just misses being a terrific story due to a few minor glitches in craft. It's well worth revisiting precisely with a view to enhancing the "fictional dream" aspects, and all of my comments are to this end.

Thank you for sharing and, by all means, keep writing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
he was standing in, and to the ceiling. The dim blue tube light shone down from the ceiling, My Comment: “ceiling” repeats.

a small coffee table, and another smaller table which occupied an unworking glass tube televisionMy Comment: “small” is imprecise. Can you give a more visual description that also hints at scale?

long sleeve sweater covered by a windbreaker sweater vest, My Comment: “sweater” repeats.

he appeared very stern. My Comment: First of three instances of “very.”

“No, Dmitri, I did not. We have not had much luck out there lately, and you know that. How about you come out with me sometime to grant a helping hand, instead of sitting in here all the time?” Vladimir questioned. My Comment: The speech ends in a question mark, so why use this as a tag, he ques;tioned...

there was a plastic carton that contained several large bottles of vodka. My Comment: Two liter bottles? Jugs? Lots of better choices here. Also beware of any sentence where the primary verb is a form of “to be.” Here, maybe the jugs of vodka “hid,” for example, making them an active part of the scene and adding to their mystery and/or menace.

It made him mad. In a sudden burst of rage, he yelled, and upon dropping the bottle of vodka onto the dirty bed, he threw his arms onto the mattress of one bedMy Comment: Tells us he’s mad, then tells us a *second* time he’s mad. The next sentence *shows* us he’s mad, which is much more effective. Also, what follows is the first real action in the story, but it’s mostly in one long sentence. This slows the readers down and decreases the tension. Shorter sentences read faster, tend to increase the pace, and accelerate changes in tension and mood.

slid it underneath the chin of his gas mask, and took a long chug.My Comment: This is the first mention he’s been wearing a gas mask. I’d work this into the first paragraph if at all possible, and remind us a couple of additional times so readers don’t forget.

While waiting for the skeleton, who usually took a good bit of time to play,My Comment: hahahaha. This also subtly hints the truth about Dmitri.

Vladimir walked to the door again with an expression of deep anger and stood there for many moments, My Comment: He can’t see his own face, so this is a POV violation. His face could “heat” with rage, or “twist his mouth downward,” or “send his heart thumping,” since he can feel all of these things. What he can’t do is *see* the expression on his face.

Vladimir was very mad, but was struggling to keep his voice down. My Comment: another “very.” He’s infuriated, right?

Being a schizophrenic had greatly deprived him of sleep, and neither the disease or the lack of sleep had helped him. My Comment: I’m not sure his disorder adds to the overall plot or theme, but I am sure that introducing this late is a mistake. If it’s important for the readers to know, it should be much earlier in the story. Seeing it now makes it feel like a deus ex machina.

he watched as the wind whipped trash and dirt over patches of ice and dying or barely living grass and other assortments of plants. My Comment: This isn’t really a mistake, but it’s something to watch out for. When you write “he watched,” you are *telling* us both *what* he is doing AND what he is seeing.
Since you’ve put us in Vladimir’s head, arguably everything on the page is something he knows, has seen, or otherwise sensed. Thus, if you simply describe the wind whipping the trash and dirt, readers will infer he “saw” this, and this direct description is both more immediate and intimate. If you want to emphasize he saw it, you can always have him react in some way.
There are few other instances similar to this that I haven’t marked. In each case, a direct description without filtering it through Vladimir’s head is more immediate and intimate.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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