Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "TEN LITTLE WORDS"   by SSpark
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This short item packs a big emotional punch, and ends with an uplifting message.

This is well-written and, I suspect, a true account of your experiences. I'm going to keep my comments brief, and focus on a couple of things that I think might help readers understand what's happening.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. The best openings put the characters in motion, interacting with the world in which they live. They need to draw the readers into this world. To do this, the opening should answer some basic questions: who lives in this world, what are they doing, where are they, why are they there, when is this happening, how are they acting, and why are they doing what they are doing. You don't have to answer all of these questions, but you need to answer enough to orient the readers in space and time.

Secondly, and almost as important, a story has a point of view. Most modern stories have the point of view of a character within the story. In this case, that character turns out to be a daughter who gets news about her mother.

It's important to establish the point of view while answering the basic questions. In particular, it's generally not a good idea to start with a disembodied voice speaking, since this leaves open who is speaking and who is hearing the speech. It's better to start with point-of-view character acting or sensing.

With respect to this piece, I wasn't sure about some basic elements in the opening paragraphs. Note that it starts with a person speaking. While it's reasonable to infer the speaker is a physician, we don't know who the patient is. Instead, in the second paragraph, we get (one of the) listener's emotional reactions to the diagnosis.

It's not until the the fourth sentence of the third paragraph that there's a referencne to "this incredible woman." In the next sentence, we finally learn the answer to the "where" question: they are in a hospital room.

From that point forward, the world of the story comes to life. A mother sits, serene, in her hospital bed while her distraught daughter waits for the doctor to arrive with test results. That gives us the who, where, and why answers, sufficient for this piece. But my point is that these should precede the doctor's arrival and utterance.

So my main suggestion is to set the stage for what follows. Maybe the daughter squeezes her mother's hand, noticing her cold fingers and weak grip. Maybe astringent hospital smells tickle her nostrils, or there's a steady beep-beep-beep from the bedside heart monitor attached to her mother. Start by having the daughter interacting with what's in that hospital room. By doing that, you set the scene. Better yet, she might check her watch and wonder where the doctor is at, which establishes tension--they are waiting for the diagnosis.

Once the scene is set, the rest of the story follows. But it's important to draw the readers into that room in the hospital the minute before the doctor arrives with her murmured diagnosis.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
This is well-written and heartfelt. My only suggestion--setting the scene--is a relatively minor one. Thank you for sharing, and do keep writing!

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!


Max Griffin
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