Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "The fortune teller"   by WakeUpAndLive️~🚬🚭2024
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
A story about a fortune teller with a nice twist at the end. I like stories with twists, so I enjoyed this one.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening does a good job with all the basic tasks. You name your POV character, put her in action, and orient the reader in time and space. You also give the reader a good idea of what the story is about. I had a couple of minor quibbles about word choices (see the line-by-line remarks belodw), but this opening gets all the important stuff right. Good job!

                                                             
Plot
Hecate starts out conning people with fake fortunes, so she's got room to grow as a character. I kind of saw the ending coming, but it was still satisfying.

BTW, the scene where she does the initial reading is especially well-drawn, showing her getting extra money and then using nonverbal cues from the woman to form her "reading." Really good writing here.

                                                             
Style and Voice
This is more or less third person limited, in Hecate's head. We learn her thoughts and motives, and see the fictional world through her senses. There are a couple of little places where a slight tweak to the text could reinforce that some of the information is what she's thinking at the time (as opposed to the narrator intruding to tell the reader stuff), but overall you did a good job with the point-of-view. See line-by-line comments for some places where you might consider nudging the text.

                                                             
Referencing
Modern era. At the start, she's in a tent at a "fair," but it's not clear exactly where the latter events occur. Is she in her home, or a rented space? Does she call on a cell phone (which would nail this as current)? Not that these details are especially important except as they serve to help the reader visualize the events of the story.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
See above. A few details on setting might help reveal a bit more about Hecate's character and the plot. I wouldn't do much--just bit more of things like where you mention the stitching in her gown.

                                                             
Characters
Hecate goes from a cold con artist, to self-serving concern about someone dying "on her watch," to genuinely caring about the man. All believalbe because of your deft presentation.

                                                             
Grammar
I didn't find any grammar errors, although I don't generally read for those. I did find at least one instance of a needless adverb--see the line-by-line remarks.

Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I enjoyed this little gem of a story. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with the contest!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Madam Hecate poured water into a small dark barrel and looked intensely at its surface. My Comment: As I said above, this is a good first sentence. But...I think a couple of tweaks might improve it. One is the “looked intensely.” Certainly “looked” is a tepid verb, but the way to poop it up isn’t with an adverb but rather with a more precise verb, such as “peered.” Secondly, “small” is a vague adjective that doesn’t provide a sense of scale. Perhaps it’s the size of a coffee urn sitting on her table? Or is it a re-purposed oaken cigar humidor that she’d gotten at a garage sale? Maybe it’s an old oak beer keg. All of these give a sense of scale without giving exact dimensions.

Within a few minutes, she watched a picture emerge.

Or, that’s what she told the customer anyway.My Comment: Of course, this reveals that Hecate is a con artist, but it feels like the narrator intruding to state a fact. Reframing it just a bit could make this something Hecate is thinking. For example,

After a few minutes, she sneaked a peek at the woman sitting across from her and intoned, “A picture emerges.” With any luck, the old biddy would fall for her line.

I’m sure you can do better—you know Hecate and her customer far better than I do. The point is that a small reframing takes the narrator out and reinforces Hecate’s POV.

OMG, Hecate thought with disdain, just another sucker to play with. What was it with all those silly people? Couldn’t they tell she was only toying with them?My Comment: You’ve correctly used italics to mark off Hecate’s internal thoughts. However, standard practice is to omit “thought tags” when doing this.

took the transpicuous crystal ball, My Comment: I like obscure polysyllables as much as the next guy, but I’m not sure why “transparent” or “translucent” wouldn’t be better here.

The time was near, the place was here.My Comment: Is this Hecte’s thought? It’s in italics, but I wasn’t sure. I’m guessing that instead this a voice whispering in her mind since the same phrase appears at the end with clearer context.

First, she did her research and read a couple of books on witchcraft. My Comment: Writing this review sent me off to Google “Hagiël,” which in turn led to Henry Cornelius Agrippa and his 16th-century three-volume book Three Books of Occult Philosophy. I’m sure you must have followed a similar path, so instead of “a couple of books” it might add verisimilitude to explicitly mention Agrippa.

The time was near, the place was here.My Comment: Of course, this is the same quote as above, where I wasn’t sure whether or not it was Hecate’s thought. In this context, it seems more likely it was Hagiël’s.


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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