Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I absolutely love your voice in this piece! More accurately, I love the voice you've given to Calanthe. It's fresh, engaging, and original. It embodies a currency and ironic humor that characterizes many young bloggers, and rings with authenticity. Your use here is unique and the best part of this amusing story.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening is on point for all the main tasks an opening should accomplish, so excellent job! In the line-by-line remarks below, I have some minor suggestions, but these are nibbling at the edges. It's fine as it stands.

                                                             
Plot
In essence this is a farce, where misunderstandings drive the action and the reader is in on the jokes that escape the participants. I absolutley love farce, and some of its most effective uses are in stage and TV dramas, where the audience sees what's happening but the actors are there in nonchalant innocence, misunderstanding everything. In fiction, we don't have actors emoting for us, so these become challenging to write since they are so dependent on the emotional subext of the characters. You've done a masterful job with this, and it's thoroughly enjoyable. Congrats on such an effective implementation of a difficult--if simple-looking--plot.

BTW, I loved the bit where Curt gave his order. It kind of reminded me of the famous scene in "Five Easy Pieces" where Jack Nicholson orders wheat toast.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdIXrF34Bz0

                                                             
Style and Voice
third person limited, in Calanthe's head. No slips, really, but I found one or two places where a slight re-wording might reinforce the POV. See the line-by-line remarks.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
It's Applebee's, so you don't need much more. The waitress is a nice touch.

                                                             
Characters
Three characters dominate. Calanthe, of course, the down-to-earth author with an ironic sense of humor. Curt, the pretentious youngster who's full of himself. And the waitress, who's seen everything and is surprised at nothing.

                                                             
Grammar
No grammar problems that I saw. Good job!


                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I've made a few nit-picky comments in the line-by-line below, but that's because I really, really liked this story. It's awesome. It brightened my day. Thank you for sharing.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Eric Calanthe lifted his phone for what could have been the eightieth time, the minutes creeping over the seven o’clock mark and continuing on with no regard to this dinner-date which, as of now, consisted of only this writer.My Comment: I really liked your opening paragraph. It does everything an opening needs to do. But this one sentence is a bit long, and ending with “this writer” suggests that it’s the author observing this rather than Calanthe experiencing it. I get that you want to convey that Calanthe is an author, but you could do that a couple of sentences down. See the next comment...

he’d been under the impression another person would be involved, a new writer from Oklahoma City, but it seemed as if Calanthe would be dinning alone.My Comment: As I noted before, I love the sarcastic tone that you give Calanthe, but if you tweak this slightly you could convey the information that Calanthe is an established writer and expects Curt to be a fan-boy—assuming that’s his expectation.

You wrote two books met with the best reviews,My Comment: Missng word? ...books THAT met...

Calanthe’s eyebrows were straight across his forehead as a neanderthalMy Comment: Love the description, except he can’t see his eyebrows, so this is a small POV violation.

who’d apparently never seen an Applebee’s selection.My Comment: Maybe I’m not quite following this exchange. This seems to suggest that Kurt is the one who thinks that the food “sounds amazing,” but in the exchange that seems to be Calanthe.

“Curt,” the other fellow said.My Comment: I see from later this is a clever joke, but here it’s just confusing. If he say’s, “It’s ‘Curt’ with a ‘C’,” then it’s clearer and puts the punch line earlier.

“I’ll have the salmon, lightly seasoned with nothing peppery,My Comment: Suggest a dialogue tag here, for clarity.

Calanthe bumped back one shot of tequila. Calanthe gulped down the second.My Comment: Suggest replacing “he” for the second instance of Calanthe, to avoid repeating his name.

Was there a gross part of Calanthe enjoying making his date ill at ease? No doubt.My Comment: Technically, this line is Calanthe reaction to what Curt just said. As such, I’d argue it could be in it's own paragraph, and then you’d need a dialogue tag like “Curt droned on...” as he continues his speech. That way, you continue the alternation of Curt speaking and Calanthe reacting. This is certainly not a “rule,” or anything so, er, pedantic. It’s an idiosyncrasy that I find valuable.

he stood, a sharp yank through his body, My Comment: awesome wording!!


In groups, those surrounding their table began laughing, a smattering of laughter, of ridicule for this snobbish little snot.My Comment: Being from Oklahoma, I’m not sure this is the reaction you’d get in a restaurant like Applebee’s. I’d expect maybe a few amused stares, but many more with aggressive hostility.

Calanthe placed his forehead in between his index finger and thumb, but avoiding looking at Curt still didn’t help. My Comment: As above, this is Calanthe’s reaction to Curt’s diatribe, so I’d consider putting it in a separate paragraph.

Pride goeth before the fall, Calanthe thought. My Comment: You’ve correctly used italics when you directly quote Calanthe’s internal thoughts. Every copy editor I’ve ever dealt with has insisted that there be no “thought tags” when I do this.

The cheeseburger gone (the best in my life, he’d thought),My Comment: Another thing my editors have taught me is to eschew parenthetic remarks and to prefer the em-dash. This might take some re-phrasing, especially so it’s clear that the italicized phrase is an internal thought in reaction to the empty plate.

“Prominent Writer Melts Down, Claims Nothing Better Than ‘Mianus’!”My Comment: So I’m clear, here, the “prominent writer” in the tweet is Curt, right? Even though Calanthe is the better known of the two. BTW, to close the circle, you might consider having Calanthe looking on Twitter for references to himself right before Curt arrives.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

Check out our contest!