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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
You made me want to read more, to see what happens next. That's the main goal of a first chapter, so good job!!!

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening paragraph orients the reader in space and gives a clear notion of the circumstances and the kind of novel we're about to read. The POV character is in jeopardy, so that's a plus, too. It gives him a clear goal, namely survival.

One thing missing is the NAME of the POV character. One of the many challenges in firsts person narratives is sneaking in the name, but you've got a perfect opportunity since Ben is there as an antagonist. All he has to do is say, "Dammit, Elihu, what were you thinking?" (or whatever the narrator's is...)

There's a bit of telling in the opening, too--more on that in the line-by-line remarks below. But, overall, this is a good first couple paragraphs and a dynamite first chapter.

                                                             
Plot
Let's see if I've got this. Our narrator has been living with his girlfriend, Brittany, who is also the mother of their infant daughter. He's eighteen, disowned by his family, and has taken up a life of crime with a drug dealer named Vince. Britanny apparently told Ben about this, so Vince killed her. Now Ben is mad about Britanny's death, has kidnapped the narrator and is torturing him. Oh, and the place of torture has half-butured, decaying human torsos hanging about, so apparently Ben is a bad guy serial killer. Oh, and someone named Ron is involved, too, but we only learn his name.

So, ANYway, Ben releases the narrator, gives him a burner phone, and tells the narrator he now works for Ben, not Vince, and to wait for a call.

Have I got that more or less right? That's a lot of detail. Congratulations on never ONCE falling into an info-dump where you revealed all that in narrative form, BTW. What you did instead was reveal it in context, in the natural course of conversation between captor and captive. So good job on that, too.

I love the complexity of the plot so far, although I might still be a bit hazy on the details. But it's sure got an intriguing cast of characters.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

The ending is a combination of dilemma and decision, so it's strong. It has the necessary attribute of "unfinished business" that compels the reader to turn the page.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person. One or two little places where the POV seems to slip--see the line-by-line remarks.

                                                             
Referencing
Probably modern era, although there are no certain clues other than a reference to "drug dealer."

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Visual and olfactory sensations are great. There are tactile ones, too, with the beating. A few places these could be better internalized as opposed to being statement of fact--again, see the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
Characters
Elihu, Alloicious, Zebediah, whatever the narrtor's name is, has a great, self-deprecating voice. It's almost enough to make one cheer for him, but not quite. He seems to be less than upset over his girl friend's demise, and even imagines killing her himself in the opening sentence. Absent history, this doesn't do much to endear him to the reader. I get that he's flawed, but I wonder if it might be better to reveal this bit later, to make him a little more relatable. You do a good job with his narrative voice to make him credible and, absent the opening sentence, I think readers would be cheering for him.

                                                             
Grammar
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Your use of a range of senses, and the effective and engaging narrator make this a great opening chapter. You've set the mood for a noir-style story, filled with dark characters living in a flawed but wholly believable world. I liked this quite a lot, and I think it shows great potential. Keep writing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
There was one lightbulb on in the room, with no other light present.My Comment: This is a narrator, stating a fact. Beware of any sentence where the primary verb us a form of “to be.” In this case, maybe something like, “A single light bulb dangled from the ceiling and cast shadows across the naked, short-hung corpses nailed to the walls.”

A man slowly walked into the room, admiring his handiwork.My Comment: You just used the word “slowly” a couple of sentences ago. Be careful about repeating words and phrases since it runs the risk of making your proise seem monotone.

Also, “slowly” is one of those adverbs I mentioned above. I might have him “swagger” into the room, stopping to examine one of bodies. The fact that he stops suggests that he’s also “slow,” and implies that he’s “admiring” his handiwork. The narrator can only infer what’s in his head, namely admiration, so if that’s important, then maybe he stops and touches a finger to his lips, then to the ravaged cheek of one of the bodies. That little gesture shows him relishing the destruction.

Don't be an idiot, I told myself.My Comment: We know it’s the narrator’s thought, so the “I told myself” is redundant.

And the top priority is staying alive.My Comment: To keep in the here-and-now of events, I’d make the tense here consident with the fictional past you’ve used so far: The top priority WAS staying alive.

I'm only 18 and did what high schoolers do. I broke some rules. And so I had a daughter. Money was tight and I took up burglary to make some cash on the side. My family wouldn't support me, so she and I wound up on our own in some shitty apartment with a daughter.My Comment: This is the one place where we’ve kinda-sorta got an info-dump. It’s not bad, but I think you design an exchange with Ben where this comes out with the narrator stopping the story to tell the reader these facts.

I pressed as a smug expression slowly claimed my lips.My Comment: he can’t see his lips, so this is a small POV violation.

"You don't get to talk about that," he told me simply.My Comment: The narrator’s question was asked “simply” a couple of paragraphs ago. See above on repeated words, and on adverbs. Maybe give us a sense of his tone or the tenor of his voice here.

Nice going, asshole."


"What did you want with her, kid? What the fuck did she see in you, you piece of shit?"My Comment: Typographic nitpick. Ben’s dialogue spans two paragraphs, so the last line in the first paragraph should not end with a quote. That’s a visual cue that the speech continues from the same person in the next paragraph. Alternatively, you could just combine the two paragraphs.

He whacked me as hard as he could in my left shin. My Comment: How does the narrator know it’s as hard as Ben could whack him?

It was lowered a second later.My Comment: It didn’t lower itself, Ben lowered it. Keep the active voice by having him do it.

I took notice of how terribly this bathroom had been maintained.My Comment: Instead of telling us, show us by describing the sordid place.

and I nearly through up. My Comment: typo: threw up.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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