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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
As it happens, I've been reading lately about the Roman Empire and, in particular, the reign of Septimus Severus, so I enjoyed the references to third century Rome. Of course, this historical era is an inspiration, so I also enjoyed the ways in which your fictional world deviated from the Roman one, while adhering to it in broader historical parameters.

                                                             
Characters
For the first three-and-a-half pages, there aren't really any characters other than a few passers-by. But then, in the middle of page three and through to the end the Emperor appears and we're deeply in his head--indeed, we know his thoughts almost from the instant he appears.

Kurt Vonnegut tells us that every character whould want something, even if it's just a glass of water. That goes double for a character like Aidan. His narcissistic rage over the accident, where he blames others, is a good portrayal of his personality. The obstacle, of course, is that a narcissist is never satisified, and the stakes are that eventually people will eventually rebel against his constant demands and he will lose everything. The silence of the crowd at the end at least provides a sense of the stakes.

So, I think Aidan is good character, although his actions make him somewhat villainous and hard to root for.

While there are passer-by characters, such as the little girl, that readers can identify with and root for, we don't see them in any depth. Indeed, I found the absence of a point-of view character in the first parts of the chapter to be troubling. My main recommendation for this chapter is to select one character to provide the point of view for the entire chapter. That probably can't be Aiden, since he's not a witness to what happens in most of the chapter. The little girl or her father might be perfect, unless they don't reappear in later chapters. See below for more on this.

                                                             
Plot
An arrogant emperor personally engages in a public horse race against patrician competitors, reminiscient of Commodus entering the gladitorial arena in late second century Rome. An accident inflames the Emperor, causing him to blame the competitors who are dragged off by the equivalent of the Praetorian Guard. Then, to the horror of the previously cheering crowds, the Emperor hacks his priced horse to bits.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

So the silence of the crowd provides some suspense to the ending, since it suggests that they're reacting in fear and possibly more. Thus, this is an ending that suggests conflict and/or reaction, but it's generalized to the crowd rather than being specific to an individual. that lack of specificity somewhat weakens it's effectiveness as a hook. The best way to get readers to keep reading is to make them want to see what happens next to a character they like, or, failing that, to one they hate. Aidan comes close to meeting the second standard, except that he seems oblivious to the danger.

                                                             
Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. This circles back to my main suggestion above--pick a single character to provide the POV for this chapter.


                                                             
Referencing
Lots of good details to establish the fictional world and differentiate it from the Roman one, while being similar enough to give it verisimilitude.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Sufficent for staging and atmospherics, although it would be improved by adding scents and internal sensations for a POV character.

                                                             
Grammar
I don't read for grammar, alhough I ususally find things to whine about. Not so here, so good job!

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Thestrong points here are Aidan, the details of the fictional world, including the fine-grained details passing through the crowded streets prior to the race, and the historical context. These are all evidence of good planning and characterization, so you've got what promises to be a strong fictional world and at least one character readers will want to see fail (or maybe grow?). Where I think it needs some tweeking is in providing more intimacy and immediacy, espeically in the first parts fo the chapter, by providing a POV character to anchor the readers.

Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Oram was in a frenzy. For the past week, all carts and horses were barred from the capitol city to make room for the massive crowds. The citizens’ dull daily lives of labor and service to the Novissime Empire were ignited by the excitement. Festivals had been common occurrences since the early years of the Empire, first to celebrate its military victories or demonstrate the power and elegance of a new regime, but they had reached new heights during the Severan Dynasty.My Comment:
When I first read this, I thought Oram was a person, but since the name doesn’t reappear, in retrospect I realize it’s the name of the City.

An opening needs to do several things, among them orienting the reader in time and space. This opening does that by answering the where and when questions. But the critical who question isn’t addressed at all. Eventually, we learn that the Emperor provides the point of view, but he’s not mentioned until midway on page three. That means that the entire two-thirds or so of the chapter consists of an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling the reader things.

One of my first recommendations for this chapter is to pick a character to provide the point-of-view. The obvious choice would be Aidan, the Emperor, however, he’s not a spectator to anything that happens in the first part of the chapter. The entire chapter could be in the point of view of, say, the father of the little girl, but that could be problematic if that person disappears after the first chapter. Absent knowing what happens in subsequent chapters, I can’t be more specific in this recommendation, except to say that I think it’s important to make the opening more immediate and intimate, and the most effective way to do that is to put the readers inside the head of one of the participants, i.e., by using point of view.

I also have a few more technical comments on craft. To start with, the first sentence tells the reader Oram is in a frenzy. It would be stronger to show this through and individual’s body language, internal sensations, and interactions with his surroundings—i.e., via the POV character, a citizen of Oram.

The next two sentences consist of the author intruding to state facts. The second is passive voice (“were ignited...by”), and the first is arguably so. This puts your readers in a passive, receptive mood when instead you want to activate their imaginations so that they become your partners in imagining your fictional world.

The final sentence is again the author intruding to give some background information.

The Severan's reign was born in what became known as the Severan Revolution but was known during its time simply as just another civil war,My Comment: This entire paragraph is what editors call an “info-dump,” narrated background about the fictional world. It's much better to reveal this information in context, through the words and deeds of your characters. What grabs and retains the attention of readers is action, not narration.


In the streets of the capitol city, fine, exotic goods were peddled by countless vendors from as far as the Eastern deserts of the Bryer, to the lands beyond the southernmost Moorish lands of the mapMy Comment: Here, we return to the here-and-now of the action in the fictional present, except that there is no point-of-view character experiencing things. Instead, we have an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, describing what’s going on. .

Despite their strangeness, these Underground Men were known for their unusual ability and inclination to construct all manner of oddities from metal and stone.My Comment: More narrated background...

he took the flower and spun quickly back to the corner.My Comment: He can’t spin “slowly,” so the quickly is redundant. Spun is a perfectly good, active verb. He cupped the flower in his oversized hands and stared at it.

‘How lucky these people are to witness such a master horseman present his craft, and from their emperor no less' Aiden thought, My Comment: We finally have a point of view character, established by giving us his thoughts. However, when directly quoting an internal thought, the convention is to use italics, no quotes, and to not use “thought tags.”

now the men were impatient and perhaps a bit bothered by the emperor's delay.My Comment: more telling instead of showing...

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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