Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "The Fragrant City"   by sherwood561
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.


                                                             
What I liked best
You indicated that the target audience for this piece is struggling adolescent readers. Some of my comments below--especially those on adverbs--may work against this goal. I certainly have no knowledge of the special needs of this group, so more than usual you should use caution with respect to my remarks.

I did check both the "readability" scores that MS Word provides, and you did a great job with respect to these. The Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level was 0.6 (lower is better for readabililty) and the Flesch Reading Ease is 99.8 (out of 100, with higher being more readable). For contrast, the children's book Goodnight Moon has a readability score slightly less than three.

However, these scores are only suggestive--see "The Jark on the Spiv’s Deed"  for a discussion. However, in this case I think you did an awesome job with readability.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First, as I noted above, you've done a great job with the reading level. The sentences are short and the vocabulary is simple. For the most part, you kept the word choices and sentence structure varied, and prose flows well even with the self-imposed limitations on readability. Nice job!!!

However, I'm going to digress a bit on the underlying narrative style and, especially, point of view.

This story uses third person narration. Generally, we're in Ashley's head, but the point-of-view isn't always consistent. The opening paragraphs, in particular, use an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling readers things. My main suggestion for this story is to tweak the text so that we're in her head from the first sentence.

About 30% of all fiction today uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person a third person narrator, as you have done here. Except that that remaining 70% almost exclusively uses something called "third person limited," where the readers experiences the story through the senses and thoughts of one character. It's "limited" in the sense that we can only infer what other characters know and think from their words and deeds. The reason for using third person limited is that does so much better at drawing readers into the story by drawing them into the head of the point-of-view character.

Much of this story is already third person limited in Ashley's head, but there are tweaks that can solifiy this point of view.

For example, your first sentence is


This is an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, stating facts. A modest change to this would put the reader in Ashley's head and hence inside the story.


Notice this is simple change re-orients the reader to Ashley noticing something about the boy instead of the author telling the reader a fact about the boy. This begins to put the reader in her head. Another point is that it wasn't initially clear that Ashley and the boy were the same age, but comparing their heights in the above way introduces an expectation that they should be the same height, and leads to the inference that must be close in age. Finally, comparing their heights adds "scale" to the otherwise nonspecific adjective "short."

Other places, "they" "see" or "hear" things. It's more intimate and immediate for if your desribe what they see or hear directly. If you want to emphasize they sensed it, have them react in some way. This action/reaction sequence improves the forward momentum of the story and reinforces the here-and-now.

Even more, saying "they" heard diffuses the point-of-view. It's better if it's Ashley sensing and reacting to these things since that keeps the reader in her head. On the other hand, maybe the boy trembles at the thunder (something Ashley can see), and she reacts to his fear by holding his hand. In this case, you'd have two action/reaction sequences: thunder/boy trembling and trembling/Ashley comforting.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

I already commented above on using the opening to establish point of view. Your opening should also orient the reader on at least some of the basic who/what/when/where/why questions, and it should hint at what the story will be about. So, you might place Ashely and the boy in their school's playground, and make mention of their masks to establish the epidemic. you might even have police lurking in the shadows, watching for signs of illness in the children. Little things like this can not only set the stage but foreshadow what the story is about.

                                                             
Plot
This story is about children fleeing from one city to another, from a city of fear and oppression to one of hope and charity. That's an awesome theme, and the structure of the story does a great job bringing it to the fore.

                                                             
Referencing
As the story progresses, we learn many details about your fictional world. You do this through the children interacting with their world and with each other, which is exactly the right way! There's not a sign of an "info-dump," where the story stops while the narrator tells the reader stuff. Instead, readers learn about your fictional world holistically, through the actions and reactions of the characters. This is excellent writing, so kudos!

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Similarly, the scene setting reveals things about the fictional world and how the children live in, again, all through their actions and reactions. More good work here.

                                                             
Grammar
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

For example, at one point Ashely says "Normal" "softly." "Said softly" is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations, where a more specific verb would provide a stronger description. For example, she may have "murmurred" or "muttered" or even "whispered" the word. Of course, "murmur" is a less common word that "said softly," so it might work against the goal of keeping word choices simple. I did replace a couple of these instances with alternate words and re-run the readability scales, and they barely budged with words like "murmur" in the text. I don't know enough about the readers in your target audience to say whether or not this word would challenge them, but if you can replace weak verbs with more precise, stronger ones and maintain readability, it's a good idea.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. \

This is a compelling and timely story. It's also important that the story reaches out to young people who are challenged by reading, and does so in a way that still brings the story to life. Thank you writing this, and thank you for sharing!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             

I only picked a couple of examples of places you might tweak things. Hope this is helpful!

"I am Tom Brown," the boy said. He spoke softly, like he was in the library.My Comment: This is another of those weak verb/adverb combinations. Here, you could surely use “whispered” as a more precise verb.

It was small. They were sweaty. It was hot. They heard sirens. Police were coming.My Comment: You’ve got short sentences here, which contributes to the sense of urgency. However, this is all the narrator telling readers things. To put it in Ashley’s head, you might have her tug on the boy’s hand and enter a “cramped” side street. “Cramped” is a subjective description and more precise than small, which helps with POV. Sweat might burn her eyes. Maybe the hot air shimmers or rises in waves, or presses against them. Making the heat an active part of the description is a way of making it more real.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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