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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
Thank you for asking me to read this awesome story. The plotting is superb. The tension builds slowly to what promises to be a horrifying climax...and the resolves in fantastic twist at the end. This is masterful story-telling, and one of the best things I've read on WDC in a long while.

Looking over my comments, I seem to have made more than usual. That's because this is such a GOOD story that it got all of my attention. I found little, nit-picky things that you might consider to deepen the readers' connection with the POV character. I found nit-picky editorial things, and grammar things, too. None of these are major, and none diminished my appreciation of the story. I offer them instead in admiration of your skill and in the hope that you might find something useful.

                                                             
Characters
This is all about Brendon. His goal is to be an author. The obstacles are that this isn't easy--it takes time, training, a good eye to succeed. But he's offered a shortcut to his goal. There's a heavy price to the shortcut invovling his beloved dog, Miffy. He's confronted with a choice between realizing his dream of being a glorious author and his love of Miffy. The tension cranks higher as the reader wonders which will he choose? Glory? Love? Brendon's choice at this crossroads makes all the difference, much like the narrator in Frost's famous poem.


                                                             
Plot
The plot here really shines. The tension starts low, but cranks ever higher to the final release. Excellent plotting!


                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Brendon's head. There are a couple of spots where an omnscient narrator intrudes to tell the readers stuff. These are minor things, and easily fixed if you decide to do so.

                                                             
Referencing
Good descriptions of the subway, bringing to life New York--at least, as I've remembered it from my visits there. I also loved the reference to Seshat. Was the Diamine Ink Company a deliberate reference to the real company?

                                                             
Scene/Setting
See above. Good job. As an aside, you might have given a touch more description to his apartment, at least to the extent that it reveals something about his character or his relationship with Miffy.

                                                             
Grammar

Commas.
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I hope it helps!

Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Most of the nit-picks in the line-by-line comments below relate to the idea of the fictional dream. Little nudges here and there can help enhance the dream playing in the readers' minds as they read the story, making it more intimate and immediate. These usually involve just a touch here and there. Again, these are minor, and your story is already terrific. It's my thought that some of these nudges might make it even better. Or not. It's your story, and an awesome one at that.

Thanks again for sharing.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
One day earlier.My Comment: I’m not a fan of prologues. I’d rather have story unfold in chronological order. This story is certainly strong enough that it doesn’t need the preamble, and the little time reversal that happens runs the risk of breaking the fictional dream playing in the readers’ heads.

The A-Train was already crowded. Standing room only, but people jostled in at the next stop anyway, frowning and apologizing, pretending they weren’t pissed-off.My Comment: I loved most of your opening, but not this first paragraph. More accurately, I love this paragraph, just not as the *first* paragraph.

In the third paragraph, you name the protagonist, Brendon, and put readers in his point-of-view. From the clatter of the rails, to the hint of perfume, to the “guess their story” game, we’re in his head as he interacts with his world on the A-train. From that point forward, it’s a dynamite opening.

But this first paragraph is an omniscient narrator intruding to tell the reader stuff. If you *started* with your third paragraph, we’d be in Brendon’s head, and then the stuff in the first paragraph would arguably be Brendon’s observation, not the narrator’s. Even the “After all, this was New York,” becomes Brendon’s sardonic reflection on the crowd, revealing a bit about his character. I think this simple change improves the reader’s connection with Brendon and hence with your fictional world.

The only other suggestion I might make is to give a tiny bit of context to the “guess their story” game to connect it with his aspirations of being an author someday. That way you’ve also foreshadowed the plot more directly at the start. This would especially be useful if you took my earlier advice and omitted the prologue.

I wonder what it is? he pondered. It could be a contract.My Comment: You’ve correctly italicized his internal thoughts. However, the editorial standard is to use italics only, and to eschew thought tags like “he pondered.”

Then he noticed the woman’s missing index finger. She turned the pages with the middle finger and thumb of her left hand.My Comment: “He noticed” is a subtle form of telling. In the first place, it’s generally more intimate and immediate for readers to directly describe what he noticed. We already know he’s looking at her, so readers will infer any description is something he’s noticed. If you want to emphasize he “noticed” it, you can have him react in some way—a lifted eyebrow, or a frown, for example. That sequence—the description followed by the reaction—is an action/reaction sequence that also helps reinforce the here-and-now and the fictional dream playing in the readers’ heads.

What if she’s a famous editor, and that’s my manuscript in her hands. She’s found her next great writer. Wouldn’t that be something?My Comment: Here’s where we learn he’s an aspiring author. As I noted above, it would be nice if you could insert this somewhere earlier.

Arthur: his best friend and co-worker at the construction company, and Arthur had said: “Shouldn’t you learn to read first?”My Comment: I deduced later that Arthur’s comment was sarcasm. However on first reading, I thought Brendon might be actually illiterate—unable to read. That’s a bubble that you might consider fixing...

He smiled and looked up sharply at the woman’s face and realized she was staring at him. My Comment: I guess I’m feeling picky this morning. Lucky you. You’ve got serial “ands” here. I think this would read better if you wrote, “He smiled, looked up sharply at the woman’s face, and realized...” Also, a more precise verb like “peered” might be better than the weak verb/adverb combination “looked/sharply.”

Her glacial blue eyes smouldered—boring into his.My Comment: Since I’ve been so picky, I should also say that I loved this sentence!!!

Shit, he thought. That was weird.My Comment: More thought tags...

He shivered.My Comment: The whole sequence that starts here is really well-done, from the train pulling into the station to Brendon’s deep breath. Short sentences to increase the pace and tension. Effective and vivid descriptions. The sticky somehign slithering up his spine. All of it is terrific.

Then he noticed a small black box, polished bright, on the black floor underneath her seat. My Comment: Another “he noticed...” Maybe you need to have his gaze wander back to her vacated seat before describing the black box, but “he noticed” filters the description through him instead of describing it directly. It just sat there and glistened at him.

His modest two room apartment was on Saint Nicholas Avenue: a seven-minute walk from the 181st Street Station, My Comment: Narrator intrudes again to state a fact. If you just say “Brandon rushed to his modest, two-room apartment, shaving two minutes off the usual seven-minute walk.” Naming the station adds some verisimilitude, but won’t have much meaning to people unfamiliar with New York.

He heard his dog bark and paw the door as he slipped his key into the lock.My Comment: Another “ he heard...” I’ll stop whining about these.

“Miffy,” he said and pushed the door open and laughed at her.My Comment: another set of serial ands. Sometimes these work for scansion, but mostly the extra "and" risks seeming like a run-on.

He examined the pen carefully,My Comment: I’m not a fan adverbs, in case that wasn’t already obvious. He can’t really “examine” something carelessly--that would be a glance, not an examination--so this adverb is just a speed bump that slows down your prose.

When you read it back the following day, it’ll feel like someone else wrote it. . . And that’s okay . . . I’m here to help.My Comment: Strangely, I sometimes feel that way when I re-read stories I’ve written. Alas, it’s always, “I wrote this crap?” instead of feeling awe.

Fountain Pen Inks by Diamine.My Comment: Apparently there really is a company named Diamine that produces fountain pen inks...If they’re as good as the ones in the story, I want some!!!

Brendan knew Hemingway committed suicide by shotgun.My Comment: He also said it’s easy to be a writer. Just open a vein and let the blood flow...kind like in the story....

Brendan glanced at Miffy sleeping peaceful in her bed.My Comment: Awesome setup

His mind raced. Something frigid and thorny crawled up his spine as he aimed the gun at Miffy.My Comment: Equally awesome scene, with the implied decision at the end...

The punch line in the last two sentences is what makes the story really shine. I won't hint at it here, except to applaud. My Comment: And the punch line. Truly awesome!

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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