Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "The Black Rose: Prologue"   by Serena Blade
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is pretty bleak. I like bleak, so I liked this. Morgana is in despair, crumpled under the weight of disapproval from those around her. She makes a weighty and awful decision, but the ending provides some hope for something better for her.

                                                             

                                                             
Plot
Despair consumes Morgana, despair that arrises from the disapproval of her parents and her lover (husband?) Guy. She thinks she's a disappointment and worthless, so she decides to harm herself.

While the prologue gives Morgana a goal--self-harm--the underlying goal relates to her sense of self-worth. Since this is the opening to a novel, doubtless this will be about her journey to find self-worth inside herself instead of seeking it from others. That's a journey that's worth reading about, and this prologue gives us hope that Morgana will succeed on that journy--after all, she's got a Guardian Angel!

Morgana has an implicit goal--to discover that she's a precious human being. The obstacles are those closest to her, all of whom find her to be a disappointment and one, Guy, who has apparenly betrayed her. Since we're staring with her hurting herself, the stakes on this path are sky-high. So, Morgana has goals, obstacles, and stakes, which in combination give rise to tension. Tension is the engine that drives a novel, so this is off to a good start.

That said, I kind of wish that the "voice"--the Guardian Angel--threaded through the entire prologue rather than just appearing at the end, like a deus ex machina. That's kind of a minor plait, though, given that most of the prologue is about her deep despair.

Kurt Vonnegut said that authors should always give readers at least one character they can cheer for. Morgana ought to be that character, but she's so deeply in despair I'm not sure readers identify with her enough to cheer for her. I'm not sure what to suggest, however. For one example, maybe the picture she sees on the computer--the one with her and Guy--includes their pet cat Mr. Underfoot (or some other silly name), and she can think a loving thought about her devoted fur baby who's now in pet heaven. That's still depressing, but it takes a bit of an edge off her and gives readers something to identify with.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

I'd say this ends with both decision and disaster, so the hook is great.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Morgana's head. A couple of minor places where I felt an omniscient narrator slipped in--see the line-by-line remarks below. But mostly good.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Other than a couple of references to the storm and mention of the computer screen, there's not much in the way of scene setting. I don't think you need much, but a touch here and there would be a nice addition. Things about her bedroom--is it messy or neat, for example--could reveal character or perhaps even suggest plot. Maybe Guy's clothes are on the floor, for example, and she has a chance to react to them (pick them up and sniff them? Or maybe kick them aside?) Having her interact with her environment not only adds scene setting, but can advance character or plot.

                                                             
Characters
This is almost exclusively Morgana. We see the other characters not through THEIR words and deeds, but second-hand, through her memories.

This is typical of many prologue, and one of the reasons I don't generally care for them. To the extent that they tell--as opposed to show--backstory, they are less immediate and intimate than starting in the here-and-now with the precipitating incident. Perhaps this prologue IS the precipitating incident, but we've still got the problem of telling about the other characters rather than meeting them real-time.

                                                             
Grammar
I don't read for grammar, and in any case didn't see any errors. I did notice a couple of spots where I thought there might be a missing word--see the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You'll see several nit-picking comments below, almost all of which relate to the above idea of a fictional dream playing in the readers' heads. These all involve suggested minor tweaks to the narrative rather than subtantive comments. In general, I think the substance of what's here is good. I especially think the implied goals, stakes, and obstacles are strong. You've done an excellent job with Morgana, showing her despair. Bottom line is that this is a good start with a compelling character and promising story arc.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Morgana Van Buren looked out her bedroom window and watched the rain come down. It was symbolic of her misery. It portrayed the tears she lacked to shed.
I’ve cried way too long. There is nothing left in me. I feel nothing.
Maybe that was the reason why the rain came early that year. For whatever the reason Morgana wanted nothing more but to sleep this endless despair. It swallowed her from limb to limb. Her pain was exposed for what it really was.My Comment: Your opening names your point-of-view character, Morgana, establishes her mood, and puts the readers inside her head. That’s all to the good. However, I suggest a few tweaks.

First, when you say she “watched the rain come down,” that’s a subtle form of telling. It’s almost always more immediate and intimate for the readers if you describe directly what she watched—after all, she’s looking out her window, so if you say something like, “Rain fell from an overcast sky,” readers will infer that’s what she sees. It also makes the rain an active part of the scene, since it’s now falling as opposed to being “watched.”

You then tell us what the rain symbolizes, which lessons the emotional impact. Instead, she might react to the rain, for example by sighing, or by wiping tears from her cheeks. Her internal thought—correctly denoted with italics—is another reaction to the weather, and establishes her mood.

Saying “that year” as opposed to “now” or “this year” takes us out of the here-and-now and adds a sense of the narrator, looking back, and telling the readers stuff. Whatever is on the page needs to be something Morgana knows or thinks in the here-and-now of ongoing events, so this little phrase breaks that connection with her and with the here-and-now of the story. This paragraph is, arguably, things that she is thinking, but not word-for-word; it’s more like free indirect discourse. In any case, except for the ”that year,” this is a good example of being in Morgana’s head and establishing her mood and personality.

Is there a word missing here: “...sleep this endless despair?” Maybe “sleep through this endless despair?”

Finally, an opening needs to orient the reader by answering at least some of the who, what, when, where, and why questions. You’ve got the who and a bit of the why, but we don’t know where she is. From context later, I’m guessing in her bedroom, but maybe she’s in a hotel? A touch of detail about the location might help, even if it’s just having her caress the indentation in Guy’s pillow (which suggests that she’s in their bedroom and that he’s missing and maybe the proximate cause of her agony...)




I am a disappointment.My Comment: Excellent way to suggest a goal for Morgana. Just knowing that she thinks she’s a disappointment gives the reader lots of possible goals for her, but they all revolve around seeing herself as a success, not a disappointment. There are implied stakes, since this involves her sense of self-worth, and a good bit of what follows provides the obstacles to achieving whatever goal related to self-worth will be forthcoming.

Goals and obstacles provide conflict. The stakes are why the outcome of that conflict matters. The combination of goals, obstacles, and stakes provides tension, and this is the engine that drives your novel forward. In just the first few paragraphs, you’ve already got a great start to your novel.


Where did this feeling come from? My Comment: While you’re off to a really good start with your opening, I confess this middle section loses some immediacy for me. Certainly, readers will be asking the kind of rhetorical questions Morgana seems to be asking herself, but this narrative pulled me away from the here-and-now of the rainy day and into narrated back story. The device of Morgana’s apparently temporary amnesia isn’t quite credible, and gives this the feel of the author intruding to tell the reader the back story.


Morgana walked away from the window as the thunder clapped, shaking the ground. She sat by her desk. Staring at the computer screen, a picture was displayed of her and Guy embracing each other. It was all a lie. He didn’t care. Last night he proved it. There was nothing she could do to make him love her.My Comment: Here, the picture of happier times triggers the thoughts that follow. This gives the memories in this section an immediacy that the prior paragraph lacked.

As an aside, “She stared...” is like “she watched...” earlier. If you just say, “The computer screen displayed a picture of her and Guy...,” then you’re describing directly what she sees as opposed to filtering it through her. As above, the direct description would be stronger.

She looked down and saw what she was looking for. They shined from the light of the desk lamp. My Comment: Notice here, she’s looking and finding, but then you describe directly what she sees and finds—the scissors gleaming in the desk light. The point being that this is exactly the stronger construction suggested above. My only suggestion is to say “the scissors” as opposed to “they,” since that completes the visual image.


Snip, snip, snip!
The sound brought a chill down her spine.My Comment: Action, sound, reaction. Awesome! And terrifying.

She put the tip of the scissors in the position of left wrist. My Comment: Is there a missing word here?

Morgana felt her heart pound in her ears. My Comment: another “Morgana felt...”

It was losing to keep her alive.My Comment: losing the battle to keep her alive?

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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