Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Clouds in the sky of life, chapter 1 "   by Lucinda Lynx
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
An unmarried couple on a buisness trip check in to a crowded hotel. They're worried about their presentation tommorrow, but they're also worried about Connie's husband suspecting something. She fantasizes about him in swim trunks as they kiss at the end. What's not to like?


                                                             
Plot
See above. Since a family friend of Connie's checked them in, this already promises conflict ahead.

As an aside, they are on a business trip and at a hotel, so they are far from where they live. So, how close a friend can Susan be, since she works at the hotel? This felt a bit too much like coincidence. Now, if Susan were a cousin, maybe...

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

The embrace at the end reflects a decision, although since they go to their separate rooms there's also a suggestion of unfinished business, which is the essence of a hook. In any case, this gives readers ample reason to turn the page to the next chapter.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, initially in Connie's head, then breifly in Susan's, then back in Connie's. I'm not sure the interlude with Susan is worth breaking out of Susan's POV. Each break in POV threatens the readers' connection with the here-and-now of the story, and this is always most tenuous in a first chapter. It'd be fine to swap to Connie in chapter two.

                                                             
Referencing
Texting and cell phones place this in the modern era.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Swanky hotel in mid-winter. No description of their rooms, but then we never actually see them in their rooms. Doubtless that's to come. In any case, good descriptions, and in the right amount.

                                                             
Characters
This is mostly Connie, eager for her tryst, worried about being caught, worried about her presentation. Jacob is a good foil for now--we'll doubtless see more of him later. Similarly, Susan presents a potential obstacle, but she, too, isn't as fully drawn yet. Not a problem--again, we'll have more time with her in later chapters.

                                                             
Grammar
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I like the plot and the characters so far, so this is a good start from that perspective. The narrative could have flowed a bit more smoothly--I'll make some more specific comments on this in the line-by-line comments below. Overall, I think this is a good start for a first chapter. The characters are viable and the plot is promising. Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
A draft of air blew against our faces. The sliding doors opened, and we found ourselves stuck at the end of a long line.
“This can't be true!” Jacob said.
"This looks real in my eyes," I replied.
"And I thought all along that all we had to do was walk in and walk across the lobby to the counter. Now it looks like half of California has decided to stay at Hotel Seawind."My Comment: Openings are tough. They have to accomplish many things, and all at once.

You need to orient your readers in time and space. You need to name your point-of-view character. You needs to start with action. And you need to let the readers know what the story will be about, or at least what kind of story this will be.

Here, we have a first person narrator, but she’s not named. Indeed, it takes several more paragraphs before we even learn her gender. We do learn her companion’s name—Jacob—but he misses the opportunity to name her. I note in passing that the name “Connie” heads this section, I I infer that she’s the narrator, but the opening doesn’t show that.

You also eventually tell us they’re in a hotel, but notice that’s several sentences in, too. We eventually learn that they are there on business, but that it’s also for a secret tryst and that Connie is married. This tells us quite a bit about the story.

So, what suggestions do I have for tweaking this? Well, starting with a sensation is a good thing, except that you say “our faces,” so that the sensation is generalized as opposed to personal. The idea with the sensation is to put the readers into the point-of-view character’s head, so having the draft of chill hair blow against *her* face would do this. You might follow that with Jacob squeezing her hand and saying something like, “Look at this mob, Connie. It’s like all of California is trying to check in to this hotel.” That way we know her name, we know she’s the one hearing him speak (since we’re in her head feeling the chill draft), and we know they’re in a hotel as opposed to somewhere else. He squeezes her hand, which suggests intimacy and that they might be there for a tryst. This is all stuff you’ve more or less got here, but this compresses it into the first couple of sentences and thus better orients the reader and establishes point of view.


I still remembered our manager's exact words after lunch the previous day. And now this!My Comment: “Managers” made me think they might be actors. If she’d said “boss’s,” it’d be clearer they were there as part of a conventional work assignment.

Susan looked at me. “Hi, Connie! My Comment: First time her name appears in the narrative.

Jacob looked at me and then at Susan. “Do you know each other?” He lifted his eyebrows.My Comment: This is a tiny POV wobble. It’d be better to say his eyebrows crawled up his forehead, since that’s what Connie sees. Saying “he lifted his eyebrows” is what you’d say if you were in his POV.

“Oh, Susan is a family friend,” My Comment: And we learn who Susan is. Not a huge secret, so why not say so when Connie first glimpses her? Stringing it out and then having it turn out to “family friend” is kind of a let-down.

She pushed two identical forms across the desk. “You can't compromise this formality with any guest, not even if you know one or more of them.”My Comment: Felt like it needs a bit more...Like “Please fill these out. Sorry for the paperwork, but you can’t compromise...” etc.

“Thank you,” Susan said as Jacob and I gave the forms back after we had written all the needed information. My Comment: Mini time-reversal here. They filled out the forms, handed them to Susan, and then she says “thank you.” It helps keep the readers in the here-and-now to relate things in chronological order.

“My stomach growls like a wolf that has caught nothing the whole morning. I want to eat something,” Jacob texted me as soon as I had unpacked.My Comment: Let us know she’s reading a text before showing the text.

We stepped out of our rooms, called the elevator, and waited.My Comment: to stay in Connie’s head, have her step out of her room and see Jacob leaving his.

After eating a delicious meal My Comment: What kind of meal? Be specific as opposed to “delicious.”

elevator's doors glided close My Comment: they keep gliding open and closed. I think just “closed” suffices and avoids the repeat.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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