Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Hitting a bullseye"   by Henry George
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I loved the theme of this little story. It's about not giving up, not cheating, and perserverance in the face of failure. It's also about how helping others can help you--something I certainly find to be true. Indeed, it's part of why spend time time reading and critiquing other authors: it makes me a better self-critic.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Openings are tough. Yours has almost all the necessary elements, but I think the flow and intimacy could be improved. See the line-by-line remarks below for details.

                                                             
Plot
It's Trent's first time at the archery range, and he can barely hit the target, let alone get a bullseye. Others cheat, or give, but he perseveres. Eventually, he helps other, younger novices. In the end, he's satisfied with his first day at the range.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person, in Trent's head.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
I could follow where everyone was in relation to each other, but the setting was pretty sparse. Setting can help establish point-of-view, deepen character, or advance plot, so it's not just about describing trees or grass. Indeed, when you describe the successes and failures of other boys on the archery range, it's part of the setting and does much to advance the plot and theme of the story. Still, I think a touch more details would help bring the story to life.

                                                             
Characters
This is all about Trent. He's after that bullseye. He never gets it, but at the end, he's satisfied with his day. Great way to show the theme!!!

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I loved the theme for this story, and Trent is the perfect embodiment of that theme. We cheer for him as he tries, over and over, for his goal. He refuses to cheat or let failure dissuade him. He never gets his bullsdeye, but at the end of the day, he's satisfied. The story arc, beginning to end, is perfect, and I really enjoyed reading it.

While the structure couldn't be better, the narrative itself could be tweaked in a few ways. I've made some suggestions in the line-by-line for you to consider. But this is an awesome story arc, and Trent is the perfect character for the thematic material. Do keep writing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
I need to hit the bullseye.”

Trent looked down the range, but the target was blurry.

Trent’s parents had given him a book about archery, and he had studied it. This morning he saw his chance to put it into action.

He shot, and his arrow joined the crowd.

It hit the grass.

His second arrow hit the very edge of the target.

His third landed in the outermost white circle.

Trent looked around. Arrows were strewn everywhere. One boy had already gotten a bullseye. His parents had put a second target just in front of the boy, so close he couldn’t have missed.My Comment: I highlighted these lines since, taken together, they constitute your opening paragraphs. Why these and not others? Because they have the information that orients the reader by answering the who/what/ /where/why questions.

Who: Trent and his parents.
Where: at an archery range
What: he’s trying archery for the first time after reading about it.
Why: Trent wants to hit a bullseye
These are the minimal things a reader needs to start imaging the other parts of the fictional world, the parts that the words on the page suggest but don’t show explicitly. For example, the sentence about the parents moving the target so their son could get a bullseye suggests that these boys are children, probably ten or younger.

You also name Trent in the opening line—always a good thing—and you put him in action when he shoots the arrow.

Taken together, you’ve got all the elements of a good opening. But it could be better.
To begin with, it’s generally not a good idea to start with someone speaking. Readers don’t know if this is the point-of-view character, as in this case, or if it’s someone else and the POV character is *hearing* him speak. That’s why it’s generally better to start with the POV character acting or sensing. It’s also better if the opening line reveals at least something of where things are happening.

One reason openings are challenging to write is that they need to do several things at once. They should name the POV character, but him (or her) in motion, and orient the reader in space. It’s tricky to do that and not have a run-on sentence. But you might consider something like:

A brisk morning breeze wafted across the archery range and prickled Trent’s cheeks. He squinted downrange at the blurry target, hefted his bow and let fly, just like the books he’d read said he should.

This example is by no means perfect. But note what it does. The very first sentence tells us where we’re at. It names Trent, and has the breeze acting on him in way only he can feel—his cheeks prickle. This puts the reader in Trent’s head and establishes him as the POV character. He “squints” at the blurry target and lets fly, just like the books said. That shows that he’s a novice and uses your imagery of the blurry target. It does all of this at the very start, in two sentences. We also learn he’s been reading books without the little time-reversal in your opening that leaves the here-and-now of the archery range and backs up to a time when his parents gave him the books. Staying in the here-and-now of ongoing events is another important feature of effective story telling.

Now, I’m not you, so I don’t know if this happened in the morning, or what the weather was like. I imagined these details as a way of bringing the scene to life. On the other hand, *you* do know what it’s like standing there on that archery range. Maybe he squints because the sun is bright. Maybe it’s hot and his t-shirt sticks to his body. Be in his head, sensing and acting, as you write. Use the details that appear in your visualization and strive to get at least some of them on the page. Put the readers in Trent’s head, and have them experience shooting that first arrow and his dismay when it doesn’t even reach the target.

You’ve got most of the elements you need for a good opening. They just need to be tightened up. It also helps to put the readers in Trent’s head by giving him sensations that only he can feel. Even his disappointment when the first arrow flops might come with his throat tightening, for example.


All 3 of his arrows had landed in the grass. My Comment: With few exceptions, you should write out numbers like three and not use numerals.

“You’ve done well. What about getting a girlfriend? Is there anyone you’re interested in?”My Comment: Okay, this comment makes me question the earlier age estimates.

“You should try tennis.” His mother said. “Lots of nice girls play tennis.”My Comment: This one, too. Just how old is Trent? He’s here with his parents. They’ve spent all morning with him shooting arrows, and his father has been encouraging him to keep trying and to not cheat. That’s all consistent with the earlier age estimate, but this exchange is not.

“We’re going to play tennis. You can join us if you want to.”My Comment: Now I’m thinking the archery range might be part of a Country club where his parents can go off and play tennis while Trent continues at the range.

The car screeched to a stop and Felix jumped out of the driver’s seat, tearing a pair of sunglasses off his face.My Comment: Now Felix, one of the “boys” from earlier, is driving a sports car! That ups the ages considerably and forces a re-orientation of my mental picture. That means my *original* picture of young boys with their parents was wrong. The problem is that nothing in the earlier narrative suggested otherwise, and there was a lot to make one think they were pre-teens. If they in fact some are old enough to drive cars, we’d need to know this earlier, since otherwise this sequence disrupts the fictional dream playing in the readers’ heads.

That night, Trent lay in his bed and smiled.My Comment: An absolutely awesome way to end the story, showing Trent’s satisfaction despite not achieving his goal.


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net