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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
Lots of gruesome action--I loved it! Good job, as before, keeping everything aligned and easy to follow.

                                                             
Opening
See line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
Plot
Truthfully, this felt like a significant and unexpected shift in the power dynamic. Up to now, Ben has been in charge, leadning his younger apprentice around by the nose. Now, suddenly, things seemed reversed. I know it's been quite a while since I read any of this (I don't even remember the narrator's name!), but he now has connections and a history far beyond what I'd thought. Lucius and his crew feel almost like a deus ex machina, arriving out of nowhere to annoit Ben as king of Vince's gang.

I suspect you foreshadowed all of this and I missed it, or have forgotten it. Reading chapters over an extended period often results in "reviewer lag," where the reviewer forgets essential elements of the story. In the line-by-line comments, I'll try to focus more on details and not complain about stuff I'm probably forgotten or missed.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

No hook. You nneed one.
                                                             
Style and Voice
I thought the POV wobbled a bit--see the line-by-line remarks. Also, there are places where I don't see how the narrator could know stuff.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Pretty sparse. I could have used an overview of the situation outside the bank, for example.

                                                             
Characters
See notes above...probably all my fault, but the narrator showed almost shocking abilities and history.

                                                             
Grammar
Not really grammar, but one or two typos noted in the line-by-line.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
This continues to be a gripping thriller, with lots of excellent action. Despite the violent--and well-described--battles, the narrator tempers things with both regrets and little acts of mercy, continuing to show a more heroic, or at least relatable, side. The action sequences are awesome, the intrigue fascinating, and now we've got Lucius added to the already complex mix. I'm loving the plot developments, even if they left me somewhat gobsmacked.

Good job, and keep the chapters coming!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
I woke up in... Where was I? I remembered earlier almost immediately.My Comment: I’ve been told to not start a chapter/scene with the character waking up. I’m unsure of the validity of that advice, but here we could use some essential bits of orienting the reader, answering the who/what/when/where questions in particular. It would also help to have some sensations or internal emotions to solidify the POV again.

I immediately felt the urge to strangle the voice's owner. I restrained my rage. Now was neither the time nor the place.My Comment: Back to orienting the reader...is he restrained in any way, or just lounging on a bed? Or the floor, as far as that goes...

"I don't care. Hope you brought something to eat, it's gonna be a while 'fore I do," I told him. He laughed.My Comment: Before he does...what? Also, the “he laughed” is part of Vince’s response, so belongs with the next paragraph.

as hard as he could. My Comment: POV violation—he can only infer this, since he can’t know how hard Vince can punch. I suggest instead you describe how it felt. He left the room.

The next morning came bright and early. I woke up in the chair.My Comment: Better orientation. We also learn in the rest of the paragraph he’s not tied up and get him doing something—taking a leak.

That meant "the binding place" in Ancient Greek. Vince swiped through his phone for a bit, found a video, and watched. He saw an unknown assailant holding up the ornate bank.My Comment: So he’s not alone when he woke up and took a leak? How does the narrator know what he saw?

He slammed his against the door head again, My Comment: typo...

I moved through the building, breaking into a spot and grabbing my gear. My Comment: A “spot?”

I watched the television intently. My Comment: He’s “on his way,” so how can he watch the TV?

Inside Desmoterion, between managing his hostages, fighting off the Fintato family soldiers, and managing the vault fire. My Comment: Fragment

The stupid plan would've really been stupid, probably fucking him over for good. That master stroke involved putting his hostages in the vault, closing the door, and continuing with the firefight. He threw a lighter into the vault, returning to his position by the teller desks and engaging the closest mobsters. He was running out of ammo. Soon, he'd need the shotgun. At this rate, the arsonist would be down to his knife in no time.My Comment: How does the POV character know all of this?

My Comment: The sick feeling in his stomach returned. He hated captives.My Comment: POV violation We’re suddenly in Ben’s head?


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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