Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Robert Adler and the Night Shift"   by Surgec
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is a fun time travel story. I enjoyed the twist, the banter betweeen the cops, and their ultimate decision. It's well-written, too, so thanks for brightening my day!

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

You start with your characters acting, which is good. You do the basics of orienting the reader in time and space, another good point. I've got a couple of minor tweaks to consider.

First, it would be better if you can finagle a way to name Duncan in the opening sentence. Naming him helps readers identify with him and thus draws them into the story.

Instead of telling us the coffee was hot--a statement of fact--you might consider making this bit more active. For example, "the coffee burned my fingers," or "the hot cup my made my fingers flinch and the lid popped off..."

Also, I'd pictured them at a drive-thru window at a place like McDonald's, but it turns out they were in aa drive-in, where the servers come to the car. There are still a few of these left, but the former are more common, so adding this to the orientation would help firm up the mental picture in the readers' heads.

Finally, a bit of the plot depends on Murtaugh being African-American, right? So, again, sneaking this bit of info into the opening paragraphs would help complete the image in the readers' heads.

These are all pretty minor, but I think each would make for a slightly smoother flow later on.

                                                             
Plot
Odd guy thinks a brownstone is where an office tower is now located. I tweaked at once that he had to be a time traveller, but then I just finished writing a time travel novel. In any case, this is good foreshadowing.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, in Duncan's head. no slips.

                                                             
Referencing
Modern era.

I was struck that the dispatcher didn't use police codes for the call. For example, a 10-37 is "suspicious person," which fits with what she says. She might use the code and then elaborate with "odd behavior" (which could be a 10-96). And no, I don't know these off the top of my head. But a Google search is easy enough, and I think cops and dispatchers generally use the codes since they go on reports and are used to generate statistics. Not all departments use exactly the same codes, but here's the first one I found on my Google search: http://www.co.wayne.in.us/sheriff/uvsu/10codes.html

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Pretty good, although a touch more detail on the interior of the patrol car might be nice.

                                                             
Characters
The banter between the two main characters was great. Adler's part was also well-done, including his non-verbals.


                                                             
Grammar
I don't read for grammar and I didn't find anything to whine about here.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a fun story and one I enjoyed reading. The reaction of the two officers and their superior is entirely credible, and just adds to the humor. I've got some minor tweaks to suggest, but it's a strong story as it stands. Thanks for sharing, and do keep on writing!!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Oh Duncan, why do you have to be that way? Oh, we just got a couple callsMy Comment: I know people speak this way, but still…beware of repeating words and phrases, since it runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. I’d consider dropping the second “oh…”

It was a thirty story glass buildingMy Comment: Some editors will suggest “thirty-story”…

with a huge color changing neon sign at the top that read, The Zone.My Comment: “huge” doesn’t give a sense of scale…can you choose a more precise descriptor, even if it’s just a reminder that they are viewing from street level: “it even looked huge from street level…”

Mister stay in your lane seemed determined to figure My Comment: Since you’re using it as a name and in the interests of clarity , I’d consider “Mister stay-in-your-lane seemed…”

You got a couple hundred year old photosMy Comment: maybe “hundred-year-old.” Just a suggestiong.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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