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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
As it happens, I've been thinking about surealism lately, and so this story fits perfectly with that topic. In fact, I've included it as one of my editor's picks for my upcoming "For Authors" WDC newsletter. "For Authors Newsletter (March 8, 2023)" 

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening does the fundamentals: it orients the reader in time and space, and it starts by putting the characters in motion.

But...in terms of drawing the reader into your fictional world, I think some improvements could be made. These mostly have to do with point of view, so I'll turn to that next.

                                                             
Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything. There are many indicators that lead to this conclusion, starting with the first sentence.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

This approach provides a more intimate connection with the fictional world, which is why it's replaced the omniscient point of view so common in earlier eras. I think it's especially useful when the fiction portrays surreal events, as in your story. The above linked newsletter says a bit more about this.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. Short stories usually have just one POV character, since each change in POV runs the risk of breaking the readers' always tentative connection with the fictional world.

So, my main suggestion for this story is to pick one character, probably Robertran, and show the story from his point of view, as he experiences it. That means some re-working of the beginning, so that we're in his head from the outset, sensing, acting, and thinking along with him. As with Alice in Wonderland, he's not surprised when the surreal things start--like the wounded person on the second floor--and just takes them in stride. If the readers are already in his head, they will, too. That can only increase the overall effect of the surreal events.

                                                             
Plot
Surreal indeed. Somehow there's a baseball game on New Year's Eve, and a singer who grows into a giantess, among other improbable events. Each connects with the overall themes of the story and the surreal atmosphere, so the very improbability of the events is what makes them genius. I'm not sure I would have liked this as much if I weren't alrady thinking about surrealism, but liked it I did.

                                                             
Referencing
More or less the modern era, with surreal elements threaded in.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
YOu do a good job here, except that all the descriptions feel like the narrator, standing outside the story looking in. In third person limited, these descriptions are the POV character seeing, hearing, and otherwise interacting with the elements of the scene, which makes the connection both more intimate for the reader and more integral to story itself. Another reason for consider a revision to third person limited.

                                                             
Characters
All of the characters start out recognizable before meandering into zany sidebars. This seemless transition from conventional to loopy is one of the best features of the story.

                                                             
Grammar
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs (well, there are at last 40), but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I really liked this story. I think I'd like it even more if you redid it using either first person or third person point of view. It seems to me to be an excellent example of surreal fiction, where the ordinary becomes loopy and, in so doing, also becomes a metaphor for the real world. Thanks for sharing, and do keep on writing!!!


                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Two men sat in a dimly lit bar over several empty shot glasses. One wore a disheveled suit with a loosened tie hanging around his neck. The other wore a brightly colored jumpsuit and a gold chain. They glared at each other intensely. The man in the suit was swaying, and his eyelids were half closed. The man in the jumpsuit emptied another shot glass into his mouth and slammed it onto the table.My Comment: I’m going to just look at this paragraph in terms of adverbs.
First, the bar is “dimly lit.” If that were the only adverb, it’s okay, but if you were using third person limited, you might write something like

Robtertran peered through the gloomy lighting at the two men huddled at the bar over empty shot glasses.

Having the POV character “peer” through “gloomy lighting” says the same thing, except it’s more immersive and active. It also identifies the person who is seeing the two men instead of having it be a narrator, standing outside the story looking in.

“Brightly colored”—what color, exactly? I envisioned bright orange, like prisoners wear, but it could be chartreuse. This is a good example of a place where a more precise adjective gives a better picture.

“…glared at each other intensely…” How else might they glare at each other? Tentatively? “intensely” is redundant.

Each of these are places where a more precise approach makes for a more immersive opening.

However, the other bar patrons ignored him completely. My Comment: “completely” is another redundant adverb. I’ll stop, as I’m sure you get the idea at this point.

He looked down and saw a beer can with a yellow drop hanging from its rim. The nerves in his eyes became visible, and his pupils shriveled. Suddenly he pulled out a gun and fired two shots into the ceiling.My Comment: Here, we’re briefly in the man’s head since we know what he sees. I note that the man is still nameless. As soon as we’re in his head, however, we leave it since the omniscient narrator intrudes to describe the pupils of his eyes, something he cannot see. I know I wasn’t going to talk about adverbs, but here if he “whipped” out a gun, the change in verb from “pulled” implies it’s sudden, eliminates the adverb, and provides for a smoother description.

“Whoeva da fuck threw dat shit better have deir prenuptials made out, cuz dey got a date with destiny.” said the man in the jumpsuit, waving the gun around, “I’m from Mooklyn, you pussy mothafuckas. We don’t play dat shit.”My Comment: Love the use of dialect here. Some will hate it, and some editors won’t like it since most publishers sell to international as well as US markets, and dialect is harder for people for whom English is a second language. I’d still leave it in unless someone forces you to take it out. It adds verisimilitude.

Sweetheart was about to answer but was interrupted again by a swaying man standing behind Robertran, My Comment: “was interrupted is passive voice. This puts your readers in a passive mood when you want them to be active, imagining your story along with you. It’s for this reason that active voice is better in most cases than passive.

After exactly 17 seconds, Gino knows because he counted,My Comment: Here, we’re in Gino’s head. In third person limited, you could have him murmur “seventeen seconds,” or even have another character’s lips move and then murmur the number to get the information about the length of the kiss into the story.

The rest of the patrons were tangled into a conjoined mess of headlocksMy Comment: On the first read, I had the impression that they were frozen in this mess, mid-fight, another surreal element to the story. Perhaps I misread the first time through?

I’m the reaper. I want your soul.
I’m your keeper. I’ll make you whole.My Comment: Did you write the lyrics or are you quoting a song? I did a Google search, and the only thing that came up was a Blue Oyster Cult song with vaguely similar lyrics about the reaper. If you’re quoting a song, know the title would add some atmospherics while raising copyright issues.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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