Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Clouds in the sky of life, chapter 2"   by Lucinda Lynx
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
There's lots of twisty intrigue here--more than enough for a daytime soap! I like twisty intrigue, though, so that's a good thing.

                                                             
Opening
This chapter is several short vignettes, some in Bruce's POV and some in Connie's. Each vignette is a separate scene, with it's own location, time, and characters. We know this because each starts by telling us the time, location, and point of view character.

That's well and good, but telling doesn't really set the scene. Consider the opening sentences to the chapter:

This is the narrator, Bruce, telling us stuff. The telling does little to put us in his head. We're not in the here-and-now, where he's interacting with his environment. For example, he "went" to the toilet. It's dark, he's probably a bit woozy from waking, so he might "stumble" to the toilet, blinking gritty sleep from his eyes. When he returns, he might see the steady rise and fall of Connie's chest in a faint glow from her phone. He might even hear the gentle sussuration of her breaths--all of which show she's asleep w/o telling. Then he could realize the glow is from her phone, and you're off to the races.

The point is not to do exactly the things I suggest, but to do something to put the reader into Bruce's head, waking up in the middle of the night probably to urinate.

This vignette is breif--only two short paragraphs totalling 141 words. The next vignetter is again with Bruce, at the breakfast table with Connie. Again, there is little to nothing to put us in his head. There's an eventual passing mention that he'd "need a nap," so fatigue is probably dragging at him from a sleepless night--but we don't get that sensation. Just him telling us that he'll need a nap.

Connie brewed herself tea. Can he smell it? Did she slice a lemon to put in it--another chance to add scent. He might inhale the homey scent of his coffee.

He must be feeling tentative, wondering how to broach what he read the night before with his wife.

The next vignette is days later, again with Bruce. It's some better, since he begins by reacting to the ringing doorbell, but where is he? He's expecting Connie, but I don't exactly recall who she is. Now, this is probably my fault since it's been weeks since I read chapter one--it's called "reviewer's lag"--but again showing something of their relationship would be helpful. She's supposed to be Connie's friend, right? So wouldn't it be unusual for Bruce to set up a meeting with her alone?

Indeed, the whole conversation with Connie, in which she basically attacks her friend Carol, seemed a but surreal.

Setting the scene and putting the reader in the POV character's head are important steps in adding realism to your scenes, the veneer of the "here-and-now." It only takes a sentence or two to do this, so it's not like huge revisions are needed, but it's important to keep the readers engaged.

                                                             
Plot
Again, I'm at the disadvantage of reading this episodically, so it's hard to remember what happened in the prior chapter. I do think that "Carol" and "Connie" are bit too similar-sounding names and contribute to making it hard to follow. Other than that, you've got a great, twisty plot going where things are not exactly what they seem.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

You end with decision--that Carol and Bruce will move out--combined with disaster--that Peter and his new girlfriend will be arriving. You've got two great hooks in one.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Some vignettes in Carol's head, some in Bruces, all are in first person.

I do think this would be easier to follow with third person limited. At a minimum, the voice needs variation between Carol and Bruce, adding some idiosyncracies to their individual way of speaking to help readers tell them apart.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
See above--it's pretty sparse. You can set the scene by having the characters interact with elements of the physical setting, which accomplishes the dual purpose of establishing POV and setting the scene.

                                                             
Characters
Bruce, Carol, and Connie, who seems eager to betray her friend Carol.

                                                             
Grammar
I found one or two minor typos--nothing significant.

It would be easier to read of you double-spaced between paragraphs. You can set WDC to do this automatically.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You've got a twisty plot going here, which I like. I like the surreal elements of characters having the same last names despite not being related--this suggests more is going on than meets the eye. Some tweaking to smooth the POV and show, rather than tell, events would be relatively minor revisions to an otherwise strong chapter.

Thanks for sharing!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
from mine and Connie's bedroom.My Comment: from MY and Connie’s bedroom.

I opend the door, and saw Susan. My Comment: typo: openEd

She had red hair that reached over her shoulders, blue eyes and wide, smiling mouth.My Comment: She’s his wife’s friend, right? So surely he already know about her red hair and blue eyes. Now, if she wore her hair in a particular way—a sophisticated French twist, for example—or if it fell in carefree locks to her should, it might show something about his observations. If her eyes are twinkling or piercing, that also says different things about what he’s seeing. The idea is to change this from statements of fact to more subjective observations, helping to establish POV.

I let her in and followed her to the small hallway. Susan left her coat on the small coat rack on the left wall of the hall.My Comment: “Small”—used twice here—is one of those adjectives that don’t add much. Maybe the hallway is “cramped,” for example, or she found a vacant hook on the coatrack, implying that it’s either small or crowded with Bruce’s coat.

“One can betray a trust on a physical or emotional level. Which one is worse? I don’t know.” I shook my head. “This confuses me.”
“Why?” Susan asked, and sipped her coffee.My Comment: He’s made an extraordinary statement with no preamble. Her only reaction is to sip her coffee—not even a twitched eyebrow.


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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