Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Selfless"   by Surgec
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This story really hit home with me. It captured perfectly the despair and hopelessness I felt as my own marraige fell apart. I hope it's not autobiographical! If it is, know that life can get better, even from the depths.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

You open with what I assume is a line of a text message, but it could be a line of remembered dialogue. In any case, it's generally not a good idea to start with a disembodied voice. A simple change is to start with himn huddled in his bus seat, staring at his wife's last text, then show the message. That way, you've oriented the reader in space, established the first person narrator, put the message in context. In the rest of the opening you do an awesome job of establishing the tone and the character.

                                                             
Plot
On his way to meeting his wife, a man's bus pulls into an abandoned church to shelter from a storm. The journey, the shelter, the annoying flower child are all metaphors for the storm brewing in his life. surreal elements add to the mix, including the storm itself, the cold snow where his wife awaits, and the mystery of his abandonment when he wakes in the morning. A story without resolution, or, more accurately, with a resolution left to the im=agination of the reader. How much really happened, and how much is dream?

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, In Herman's head. no slips.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Just right for me. Lots of unanswered questions, but that just adds to the story instead of detracting.

                                                             
Characters
This is all about Herman. At the end, I'm unsure about the reality of the bus journey, the flower child, or even the rain. What is clear is his desperation and despair.

                                                             
Maybe one typo--see the line-by-line remarks.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
A powerfulf story. I can't say I'm glad I read it, but it's quite good, and effective, too. I've got a few minor tweaks in the line-by-line commments for you to consider, but nothing major. This is effective writing.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             

Her words, spoken so many times with the tone, the feeling that she had already given up, had fermented and grew rotten in my mind.My Comment: typo: should be “had grown…”

I typed a quick text that the bus had to pull over due to weather and we'd be staying in an old church for the night, tacked on an I love you and hit send.My Comment: For clarity, I’d change it to “abandoned” church, and maybe even change “staying” to “sheltering.”

"Hey, I'm Herman. Where you headed?" Beat her to it.My Comment: I’d consider inverting the order of these two sentences. On first reading, it sounded like she was speaking and her name was somehow Herman.

then realized a moment later than I should have that she said, "How about you?"My Comment: Felt a little awkward…maybe “should have paid attention when she said…”

Probably argue in the snow.My Comment: This was a little speed bump for me. It’s raining here, outside the church, so Breckinridge must be somewhat distant? Anyway, it made me pause to think, something you don’t usually want readers doing. If you placed her in a distant, snowy place earlier, readers wouldn’t stop here wondering.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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