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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
There is much to love here. The two main characters, Grimeir and Ajitha, are well-drawn, credible, and easy to cheer for. The minor characters are equally credible, from the bullies, to the Master, to the old woman. The setting is marvelously detailed, and the fictional world filled with creative details.

Even better is the tension that grows as we see more of the relationship between the two main actors and deeper into their characters. Both have implicit goals, but hidden ones as well. The mix of known and an unknown is especially enticing.

All if this is in a fantasy fictional world. Just to be clear, I generally *hate* reading fantasy. But this chapter is firmly grounded in the the here-and-now of the characters, in reality as they expeirience in each passing moment.

That's not to say I don't have suggestions. I do. But doesn't change the fact that this is an impressive bit of writing.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This story starts with an omniscient narrator, standing outside the fictional world, telling the reader stuff. There's a long tradition for omniscient narrators doing this kind of thing, but it's all but disappeared from modern fiction. I'll comment a bit more on this in a bit.

In terms of the opening, I'd consider launching the story with the fourth paragraph, where Grimeir is pushing through the crowd looking for Ajitha. That's where the action starts, and it's almost always better to start with action, putting your characters in the midst of the fictional world, interacting with it and other characters.

You can sneak in the other details as needed so readers can understand what's goingn on in the here-and-now. You might have Grimier smell the strange odor of Paler cooking, or the exotic colors of their dress, for example, letting you sneak in that it's a Fair, that they are artisans, and would only be around for three days, all things that might pass through his mind in that crowd. That puts the readers in his head and in the here-and-now.

Generally, you do a great job of keeping the readers in the here-and-now of ongoing events. Be careful about the omniscient narrator sneaking in to tell readers stuff, though. Editors and agents tend to dislike this, calling it an "info-dump." Reveal things through the words, deeds,and thoughts of your characters.

                                                             
Plot
We're getting strong hints of the future plot. For now, We've got the freindship between Grimier Ajitha, with their futures tied together and potentially momentous events to come. There are hints that Ajitha has hidden secrets, while Grimier's privileged background is more obvious. Grimier is the more sensitive of the two, attuned to the feelings of others, including animals. Ajitha is more the practical warrior.

BTW, another feature I enjoy here is the gender reversal of the "damsel-in-distress" trope, with the male, Grimier, playing the role of the damsel and Ajitha, the female, being the taciturn savior. It reminds me of "Ethan of Athos," by Lois McMaster Bujold.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

The hook is the decision to meet the next day, but, truthfully, it's not as strong as it might be. The goal of a hook is to compel the reader to keep on reading, to find out what will happen next. The "next" in this case is two friends messing around at a street fair--not very exciting. If the hook connected in some way with the goals of either or both characters, it would be better.

                                                             
Style and Voice
This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene.

My main suggestion for this chapter deals with point of view. Selecting one POV and sticking with it will increase the intimacy and immediacy for the redders. You've already demonstrated an imprssive skiull at bringing the scenes to life, and this would enhance that.

Almost the entire chapter works in Grimeir's POV, so I'd suggest trying to stay in his head from the start until at least the point where Ajitha's fortune gets read. That's entirely a subjective event in her head, so it has to be in her POV, so you've got at least one necessary POV shift in this story. In fact, you've got a second, back to Grimier, when his fortune gets read.

This chapter could be viewed as one long scene, or as a long scene followed by two shorter ones where the two characters have their fortunes read. In any case, for each scene, you need to pick one--and only one--character to provide the point of view. Put the reader in that character's head, and tell the story from that point of view.

With a change in time, setting, or location, you can shift to a new POV. So, for example, when they begin talking to the old woman, that's arguably a new location from where the fight took place, so you could shift to Ajitha's POV, assuming you started with Grimeir. Then, when Grimier get's his fortune read, you could shift back to him.

But remember, the reader's connection to your fictional world is *all* in THEIR head, and is often tenuous. Each POV shift threatens to weaken or break that connection, so care needs to taken to transition into a new POV, and to choose the right POV for each scene.

                                                             
Referencing
You've done a good job of folding details about the fictional world into the action of the chapter...just watch out for the omniscieint narrator.


                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. Almost all of my comments build on this central idea.

I liked this chapter a lot, mostly because you did an awesome job showing your characters in action. You gave us a great sense of who they are and how they fit into the fictional world. Readers will want to cheer for these characters, and that will make them want to read their story. You're off to a great start with this chapter, so keep on writing!!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
My remarks mostly pertain to POV, including places where it shifts.
She caught a glance of him and wondered what could have captured his attention.My Comment: We've mostly been in Grimier's head up to here, but this Hops into Ajitha’s head

She did not see the woman turn and look back.My Comment: Omniscient narrator intrudes to state a fact.

Grimeir found it, a her he realized, flopping along the walkway.My Comment: Hops back into Grimeir’s head.

He also saw a cat, stalking. Grimeir leaped toward the mouser, My Comment: Phrases like “he saw…” are a subtle form of telling. It’s generally more immediate and intimate for the readers to describe directly what he saw. If you’re in his POV, readers will infer he “saw” it. If you want to emphasize he saw it, you can do as did here and have him react. This action/reaction sequence helps to solidify the sense of immediacy in the here-and-now.

They felt like they were released and dismissed at the same time.My Comment: Omniscient narrator tetlls us what’s in their heads instead of showing it through their expressions, body language, or deeds.

“Ah, sorry. But the skin around your eyes is dark, like you’ve had late nights and early mornings, and your skin is pale. My Comment: “Skin” repeats in the same sentence. Repeating words and phrases runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone, so it’s better to vary word choice. You might consider “complexion” for the second instance.




                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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