Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Hunting Games"   by Tiggy-Cheers for House Martell
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I liked storeies with a twist, and I like SciFi stories. This story delivers both with a satisfying punch, so of course I liked the whole thing.

This story is well-written and I loved the plot and the twist.

                                                             
Opening
Your opening names your POV character, orients the reader in time and space, and orients the reader to the upcoming action. This is all to the good.

What the opening does NOT do is foreshadow the various twists in the story.

For at least the first half of the story, readers will infer that she's on mission to find romance. what I think needs done is to establish this "mission" in ways that are, in retrospect, ambiguous. Even using the word "mission" would be ambioguous.

It's true that she "remembers" things like old-fashioned dating and "reading about" nametags, but this is, I think, too subtle. When she mentions "intel," about 3/4 of the way through the story, it's jarring. Instead, it should connect back to these early elements of the story and cast new light on them. Even better, it should make readers suspect her mission is something other than romance, as opposed to suddenly changing her mission.

Then there's the "voice in her head." That's ambiguous, too, but again too subtle.

I see I've morphed away from the openning, so I'll move on.


                                                             
Plot
I already said I loved the plot, but it's also where I'm going to make most of my comments. As noted above, I think the foreshadowing could be improved, but as I thought through my reaction to the story, I think some subtle but important tweeks could improve this well-written story.

Tension is the engine that drives plot. In short stories, tension generally arises from the protagonist's goals, obstacles, and stakes.

Phil has a goal. After all, she's desperate enough to go to an old-fashioned dating event--and expensive one at that--to achieve her goal. Since she's at a dating party, it's natural for readers to assume her goal is romance, although that's not explictly stated. In any case, however, it's clear she's looking for someone in particular.

The obstacle, of course, is that the person she seeks is hard to find. This becomes clear as she meets and rejects several candidates.

So, Phil's goal (she's looking for someone in particular) and obstacles are clear.

Romance is familiar enough as a goal to establish stakes--the answer to "what bad happens if Phil doesn't achieve her goal." However, Phil never seems to think about the stakes, which weakens them. The problem, of course, is that romance has nothing to do with the stakes.

Conflict arises from the opposition between goals and obstacles. The outcome of the conflict matters because of the stakes. These three work together to create tension.

What's missing in this formula, the weak link, is the stakes.

Toward the end, espcially in that dark hallway, we get that the one Phil seeks is dangerous--deadly dangerous. But there's no hint of that earlier on.

So, my main suggestion for this otherwise well-crafted story is to ramp up the stakes by adding a hint of danger to Phil's goal.

One way to do this might be with the "annoying voice," mentioned around the mid-point of the story. I'd move this earlier, to the first or second paragraph. I'd mention it a minimum of two times before she finally identifies the voice. I'd call it "annoying but alluring," and add, if possible, an undercurrent of enticing menace in how you describe it. You could even make her attraction to the voice sensual, suggesting a physicality to it. So, when they retreat to that dark hallway, Phil's act of putting herslef in danger is a submission to the menace in the voice...until you reverse everything, and we see that the words you've used throughout have dual interpretations.

It's the reversal and dual interpretations that makes stories with a twist work.

The other bit of advice I have isn't my advice at all. It's from Poe, who said that a story should end as soon as possible after the climax. In this case, that's at the point of reversal, when the alien appears. Just about everything after that is anti-climactic and dissipates the impact of that shocking turn of events.

Again, the idea is to misdirect the readers without misleading them. They should have increasing feelings of danger as the story progresses--whatever it is that Phil seeks, there's danger invovled. She's attracted to the danger, finds in ineluctable. When the nature of that danger is revealed, tension is released and the story is basically over.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Phil's head.

I assume Phil is a refernece to Saint Philomina, "The Wonder Worker." That's an interesting connection, given the story's plot.

                                                             
I don't read for grammar, but usually find things to whine about. not so here.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
You mentioned this story didn't fare well in the contest. There are lots of possible reasons for that. One is that there were even better stories in the competition. Another is that other stories "better fit" the concept of the contest. I've even encountered that, where the "best" story in a contest didn't quite fit the contest parameters. The least likely is that a story as well-crafted as this one is a bad story. This is not a bad story; it's a good story. It's well-written, drew me in, and had a twisty ending that I liked.

That said, while it has a twist, which I generally like, I found this one a bit disatisfying. Thinking about why led to my remarks above. Still, it's a fine story, and shows talent and skill.

Thanks for asking me to read it.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Pick the lone wolves first, Phil heard the voice in her head again. They’re easiest to get close to.My Comment: on first reading, I took this as a “thought tag,” which is a no-no, italics being sufficient to denote internal thoughts. However, on reflection, the “voice in her head” might be a superior monitoring her. If that was your intent, I’d have react in some subtle way that would plant the suggestion that the voice was a foreign entity. If you do it in a way that suggests she’s delusional, so much the better.

She had squitend to read the name tagMy Comment: possible typo, unless this is a UK phrase I don’t know. I read it to mean she “squinted,” so no harm done in any case.

Before she turned away, she saw Susan’s smile relax with relief. She concentrated on Mike next but didn’t bother to start a conversation. My Comment: Two minor points here. First, “she saw” is a subtle form of telling. It’s almost always more intimate and immediate to directly describe what she saw; since we’re solidly in Phil’s head, readers will infer she “saw” it. If you want to emphasize she saw it, you can always have her react in some way.

The second point is hyper-nit-picky. In the second sentence, the nearest noun to the pronoun “she” is “Susan,” so technically this is the antecedent and thus Susan is the person who concentrated. However, as noted, we’re in Phil’s head, and the “next” makes it clear that this is the step in her search. So, again, no harm, just a hyper-nit-pick.

Maybe the intel had been wrong.My Comment: a bit of foreshadowing, except it’s also a bit late…

That irritating voice again.My Comment: I went back and looked, and I didn’t see a reference to an irritating voice. I may have missed it, but it’d be great foreshadowing to mention this much earlier. For example, when she’s checking in, as in, “An annoying voice murmured through the closed doors and Phil narrowed her eyes.” Or something like that, with Phil’s reaction suggesting the voice is important, but possibly in a negative way. Later, inside, she might let her gaze roam across the party goers, looking for the source of that annoying, tenebrous voice.

Phil heard the sound of a belt buckle being undone and grimaced. Jesus, Phil, you had better be quick. I don’t want to see anything I can’t unsee, you hear me? My Comment: From later events, I infer that it was Phil who unbuttoned her own belt, but when I read this, I thought it was Gordon. Also, this pretty much confirms that the “voice” in her head was some kind of telemetry.

Back at base, she typed her access code into the keypad by the door, next to the words Protector of Human and other Intelligent Life (PHIL), My Comment: haha…but see my comments above. The story finished several paragraphs ago….


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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