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Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
Comedians sometimes destroy hecklers with come-backs that, unprovoked, would be cruel. Audiences generally enjoy these, since the heckler has disrupted the show. *I* enjoy this kind of response.

BUt other comedians have cruelty as their whole shtick, and target vulnerable people in the audience. Don Rickles did this, and his audience loved it. That cruelty, especially to someone who is vulnerable, is despicable. I think that's the point of this story. I hope.


                                                             
Style and Voice
My main comments on this story relate to craft, and especially to point of view.

This chapter uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. But short stories, due to their length, generally have only one point of view. The goal of third person limited is to increase the intimacy and immediacy of action and to immerse the readers in your fictional world via the emotions, sensations, and thoughts of the POV character. Each switch in point of view potentially breaks the readers' always tenuous connection with your fictional world.

So, my main suggestion for this story is to pick one character--probably Gena--to provide the POV throughout. That means the places where you tell us what her victim is thinking or feeling you instead need to reveal by his words and deeds.

The advantage to this approach is making the experience for the readers more intimate and immediate.

Now, the experience of the man--her victim--is pretty horrifying, except that no one in the story has any empathy--they are all there for the cruelty. Using him as the POV character might be more effective, except that staying with Gena you can show her response to her cruelty, which involves arousal, sadism, and not a whisper of empathy. Staying with her is probably closer to the message of the story, as it pertains to the enjoyment of cruelty.

To help you see what I'm talking about, in the line-by-line comments below I've flagged some of the places where the POV shifts.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening names your (initial) POV character, Gena, and sets the scene, which is all to the good. I did make one suggestion on re-ordering sentences in the line-by-line remarks below.

                                                             
Plot
Gena's a stand-up comic of the Don Rickles school. SHe's heartless and cruel, and gets off on the suffering she causes. I kept hoping for either justice or redemption, but alas, there was none. That's not a problem with the story--not at all! Gena has no empathy, she makes her targets small, and offers hope only to demolish it. That's a perfectly good, if bleak, ending.

Gena literally shrinks her victim. Shrinking is a fine metaphor what she's doing to him with her words. I was kind of expecting the ending to have this turn out to be some kind of virtual reality and that he'd PAID for the experience of being humiliated, so that the shrinkage is virtual instead of real. If it's real, the story is surreal, which is fine, too. I'm just always looking for twists..

                                                             
Scene/Setting
THis was sufficient for staging--I could tell where the characters were in relation to each other--but was otherwise pretty sparse. I almost always whine about wanting more descriptions, although what I really want is to see the characters interacting with their surroundings. For example, the lights on the stage must be hot--so maybe sweat trickles down Gena's cheek, or she smells the man's sweat.

                                                             
Characters
Alas, Gena, her victim, and audience are all credible.

                                                             
Grammar
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
THis is a pretty powerful story with an important message. It's so bleak that I can't say I *enjoyed* it, but I did appreciate it. THanks for sharing, and do keep on writing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
The crowd broke into more snickering applause. Gina cracked a smile as well, scanning each of their reactions.My Comment: I’d consider using these as the starting sentences—they establish Gena’s POV.

Their were howls and whistles, My Comment: typo—“there” not “their”

The man looked around and realized every eye in the room was on him. My Comment: We’ve been in Gena’s head, but here the POV Hops into the man’s head. If you rephrase it as “he must have realized everyone was looking at him…” then it’s Gina relalizing, from his expression, what he must be thinking and you stay in her POV.

A few more gasps could be heard around the room.My Comment: passive voice…just say they “sounded” around the room, or something similar.

A few more gasps could be heard around the room.My Comment: passive voice…just say they “sounded” around the room, or something similar.

Tom was feeling quite pleased with himself; My Comment: The POV has kind of wobbled between Tom and Gena, but now we’re fully in his head

She casually held the mic overhead in front of her, so they were face to face. Narrowing her eyes, she patiently stared at him. Conversely, he was struggling just to keep his grip. His legs dangled pathetically My Comment: adverbs…some add nothing, and others pep up weak verbs. Then a perfectly good verb, dangled, gets modified by an adverb—his legs can’t dangle “bravely”, for example.

Gina pondered what to do next. My Comment: Now we’re in Gina’s head

Tom noted that in such close vicinity,My Comment: hops into Tom’s head…

Tom looked up at her and said something inaudible. My Comment: Puts us in Gena’s head since we’re told what she can’t hear.

She could still feel Tom squirming in her bra. My Comment: In Gena’s head…
                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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