Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "The Girl From Mile End. Ch 1."   by Bruce.
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I enjoyed this chapter and the insight it provided to the pre-Blitz days of WWII in London. For the people in this chapter, daily life continues, even with the ever-present threat of air raids. Throughout the chapter, the sirens go off, but are false alarms. But eventually, of course, the Blitz started (officially, I think, on 7 Sep), and large-scale of bombinb of London commenced. The chapter ends at this point--an excellent cliff-hanger hook.

I also enjoyed the period UK vernacular. The risk with vernacular is readers might not understand it, but that was never the case for me here. I even caught the joke near the beginning where one of the characters says "stop your bleedingn cussing" when another uses the word "bloody."

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream. Your opening also needs to orient the readers by answering at least some of the who/what/when/where/why questions.

While your opening does the job of orienting the readers and establishing the point of view, I do think some some simple re-ordering of information would help the embed the reader in the here-and-now. it's especially useful to establish the POV as soon as possible, since the readers will experience the events through the senses and thoughts of Elsie, the first-person narrator. It also helps to set the scene, perhaps by having Elsie interact in some way with the setting, rather than starting with disembodied voices speaking.

                                                             
Characters
Elsie is an awesome character. She's got a goal--to find love--and it's one that's both approrpriate for her stage in life and one that matters. She's got obstacles, too. There's the obvious big one, namely the war and the disruption it will entail. But there's her station in life and her family, her abusive uncle/father, and the general mysogeny of the time and place. Goals, stakes, and obstacles work together to create tension, which is the engine that drives plot.

Elsie is also a character readers will want to cheer for. Being an orphan certainly makes her sympathetic, and that's exacerbated by the evident inquality in how she's treated. But she doesn't complain--she's resilient and finds ways to do what she wants while avoiding conflict. She's met someone who might be the love or her life, but it remains to be seen if he's what he seems, or how the war impact their lives.

The characters, especially Elsie, promose to make the novel an exciting and engaging read.

                                                             
Plot
I have the sense that Elsie's character arc will drive this plot, framed by the bigger events of the war. She's a strong character, smart, and meets the world head-on, unfraid and uncomplaining. Her character and the situation of the war brewing make this a promising start for your novel.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.
We end in disaster--the start of the Blitz and the bombing of London, seen through the experiences of Elsie. Great hook.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, in Elsie's head.

                                                             
Referencing
Lots of little details to solidify the time and place.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
This is sufficient for staging--I could always tell where the characters were in relation to each other. But it's also a bit sparse. Having Elsie interact with her surroundings can reveal charaacter and advance plot, as well as orient the reader. For example, in the very start, you might have Elsie stand on tip-toes and peer ahead and reassure her friends that they're almmost to the theater's ticket box. That little bit of interaction with the queue orients the readers as to where they're at, and having her reassure her friends establishes a bit of character. It also establislhes the POV up front, which helps to put readers in her head and thus inside your fictional world.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I've made a few copmments in the line-by-line remarks below, mostly along the lines of staying in the here-and-now of ongoing events and thus keeping the readers inside the fictional dream, and hence inside the story. Things like narrated background break that connection with the here-and-now and run the risk of breaking the readers connectionn with the story and characters. These are relatively minor quibbles about craft, however. Overall, this is a strong first chapter that draws the readers in and intrduces them to a great character, Elsie. Thanks for sharing, and do keep on with her story!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             

“I don’t know,” I said. “But if they are you couldn’t join anyway; you’re only sixteen.”My Comment: We don’t learn the point of view until now, in the sixth bit of dialogue…

We moved along the queue and reached the pay booth for the cinema.My Comment:…and the seventh paragraph reveals where the action is taking place…

Alice is my sister and is two years younger than me.My Comment: Here, the story stops while Elsie tells us stuff. This is important stuff, to be sure, but the way to reveal it is not through a narrated aside. Instead, it’s more intimate for the readers to reveal this kind of information through the words and deeds of the characters; that approach also keeps the action of the here-and-now at the front. Most importantly, readers don’t need this information to understand what’s happening right now, in this moment, which is another reason that it interrupts the flow of the story.

Yeah, just leave me on my own, I thought.My Comment: It’s common practice to denote internal thoughts with italics and omit “thought tags.” Since Alice is providing the first-person narration, in this case you could even omit the italics, as readers will readily infer comments like this are her thoughts. This technique is called free indirect discourse.

He was getting paranoid about air-raids and over protective towards Alice. It didn't bother me that our parent's seemed to care more about their real daughter than they did about me.My Comment: Here, we get context that makes this a perfect time for the reveal about her real parents. The bit about the keys makes one suspicious, and later the unequal treatment where her sister gets to go to bed while Elsie has to fix tea, both provide clues. But now we’d get an “aha” moment that would tie this earlier suggestions together. Her reaction is a great character reveal.

"Just bleeding run," I shouted back.My Comment: Awesome hook.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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