Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Frankie (WT)"   by Oran Kell
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
All the amusing turns-of-phrase from the first person narrator.

BTW, I believe you have properly rated this item per the WDC rules. However, the rating means that potential readers will have a hard time finding it, and thus you're probably going to have a hard time getting reviews. It would take considerable editing to get it safely insdie the "18+" rating scale, and I'm not sure the narrator's voice would survive, let alone the plot. Still, if you're eager for readers/revewiers on WDC, you might consider revising to bring it within the "18+" standard.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

You establish your first person narrator, orient the reader as to place, and give a sense of where the story is going. These are all to the good.

What I didn't get was a sense of being in the here-and-now, with a continous set of actions and sensations.

In the first paragraph we learn he's in the desert and can infer that he's met an, er, attractive woman. We get a good sense of who the character is from his voice, which is original and certainly intriguing. Indeed, the narrator's voice is the best part of this chapter, which says a lot since the chapter is quite good.

But...truthfully, I think the opening needs work. Let me explain why.

In the second paragraph we learn he's in a seedy bar, probably located in the desert. No movement from the desert to the bar, so apparently he was in the bar all along? But then the first sentence should reflect that fact--instead it tells us he's pulled off thee road and meets a woman. In the parking lot? Given the sentence, that's the natural inference.

Then the third paragraph has a tiny time reversal, telling what he wanted when he pulled off the road and before the woman appeared.

The fourth paragraph hearkens back to his history with women, a bigger time reversal (although the phrasing "crazy wrapped in a skirt" is awesome).

Then the fifth paragraph mentions someone named Allison. Finally, in this paragraph, we have the woman mentioned at the outset scoping him out and whisipering in his ear. From that point, the story proceeds in linear order, with a solid flow of action/reaction.

So, this brings my main suggestion for this chapter: rework the opening into a coherent sequence of events to establish the here-and-now. You already establish the POV and the character, but you need to establish him in the desert, seeing the bar, going inside, ordering a drink, and having the woman scope him out, in that order (or whatever the order actually is).

For example, When he sees her scoping out is the appropriate time to have "crazy wrapped in a skirt" reaction, and then it's not a time reversal but a reaction. Having a sequence of action/reaction events will help put the reader in the here-and-now and also help put the reader in the POV character's head.


                                                             
Plot
We go from wanting a drink to being arrested for security violations at an AF dark site. Each step in the process makes it's own wierd sense, and the totality is awesome.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

Well, you've got disaster for sure, so you've got a great hook.

                                                             
Style and Voice
I'm tempted to say the narrator's voice is the strongest part of the piece, except the tension and plot are equally strong. He's a bit over-the-top, but that's what makes him interesting. There is clearly much more to this character than we get to see in this chapter.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging. We learn about each location through the narrator interacting with it, both in terms of sensations and in terms of descrptions. Really good job here.

                                                             
Characters
Frank's a great character. The others are more-or-less stock characters we've all seen before in Mission Impossible or other spy/adventure type stories, but they fulfill their roles admirably partly for just that reason. The star of this is McCann, and he's a mix of wise-cracking bluster and penetrating insights, reminicsent of Jim Rockford if he'd been written by Ian Fleming.

The story hints we won't see the nameless woman again. Too bad, as she's interesting, too. Whatever could have motivated her to take the risks she took? I'm guessing it has something to do with Frank's unknown background and maybe that other woman, Allison.

BTW, it would be better if you gave us Frank's name earlier. Knowing his name helps readers identify with him and thus helps put the reader in his head. Readers will want to identify with him for his bad-boy attitude and in-your-face banter; knowing his name will help cement that. One of the challenges of first person narratives is figuring out a way to insert his name early in the story.

                                                             
Grammar
I don't read for grammar, but usually find something to whine about. Maybe it was because I was so engaged in the story, but I didn't see anything to complain about.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Except for the somewhat disconnected opening, this is exceptionally well-written. The narrative grabs the readers by the throat and makes them listen. The character is interesting and original, with an awesome voice, and a sense of mystery. The plot and tension are likewise great.

I'm hooked. Thanks for sharing.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             

Not much here--but you didn't ask for an in-depth review.

Not my first seedy, roadside bar with a rusted metal sign, bondo'd pickup trucks, and Harleys on the outside, piss-smelling bathrooms, patched holes-in-the-wall, and tough customers inside.My Comment: I love the descriptions here, including the rhythm of three things outside and three inside. But, overall, the sentence feels long. Try reading it out loud and I think you’ll find it’s too long without stopping for breath. That’s a signal it should be broken into two or three sentences.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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