Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Clouds in the sky of life, Chap 3"   by Lucinda Lynx
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
THings are coming to a head with the arrival of Janice.

                                                             
Opening
As I've mentioned before, it would be better if you started Bruce's scene by putting the reader in his head. The best way to do this is by having him interact with this surroundings, either directly or through his senses. For example, where is he when the doorbell rings? Is he with Connie? Does he hear her day, "I"ll get it" or words to that effect? We need to know where he is beyond the name of the town--he's at home, right? Upstairs? Downstairs? In the parlor? What's he doing? establish the scene.

                                                             
Plot

As the scene progresses, Connie screams, Bruce rushes to the front door, he finds Connie unconscious on the floor. Instead of checking on her, he proceeds to have a casual conversation with the stranger at the door. More realisitically he'd want to care for his wife, make her comfortable inside, etc, before shaking hands with the stranger.

Then, with no indication that he recognizes Janice, he leaves his unconcious and helpless wife in her care and runs upstairs for no apparent reason. Once there, he has a conversation with Duncan. In that conversation, he apparently describes the woman as "unknown," and *Duncan* says it's his sister-in-law. So, this looks like a little glitch.

you can see where I have problems here, although they are all easy to fix with a bit more exponsition.

THe second scene involves Connie waking up and learning the purpose of Janice's visit. this scene, while equally short, works better. It runs through who will be coming to the engangement party and indicates that a disaster is pending, which is a good hook. My problem (and it's MY problem) is that it's been a couple of weeks since I read chapter two, so I've forgotten the details. This is an artifact of being a reader of a novel-in-progress called "reviewer lag," where the reviewer has forgotten what happened in prior chapters. Ordinary readers won't be subject to this kind of lag.

Still, it wouldn't hurt to remind the readers WHY this party will be a disaster, maybe by indicating the "serious conversations" Connie needs to have with Bruce.


                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, first in Bruce's head, then in Connie's. In both cases, I think you need a bit more action at the very start to put the readers firmly inside the POV character's head.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
This is a short chapter, with two short scenes. They both have good action within them, but little-to-nothing in the way of scene setting. I almost always complain about this in reviews, but here the setting is especially sparse. You don't need to go on in paragraph-after-paragraph setting the scene, but a bit would help immerse the reader in your fictional world.

Just as an example, when Bruce and Janice carry Connie to the sofa, you might describe her dress flopping about, maybe exposing her bloomers. Maybe they have to maneuver around a table, and a vase of fresh-cut flowers teeters when they brush against it. Or maybe Lucifurr, the pet cat, sniffs around. Whatever, imaagine yourself as Bruce (since he's the POV character), and think about what he'd see and feel as he puts his hands under his wife's arms and drags her to the sofa.

Once she's settled on the sofa, I'd expect he'd kneel at her side and stroke her hair, or check her pulse, or do something to show he cares for her. Janice is doing something too, even if it's just standing there with her hands on her hips, so capturing her reaction--as seen by Bruce--is useful. It also helps to inform us whether he knows who she is.

Finally, we need a reason he abandons his wife and runs upstairs.


                                                             
Characters
We've been in the heads of both POV characters before, so they're familiar. That doesn't mean you don't need to put us *back* in those heads--see above.

Connie's actions make sense, but Bruce's seem peculiar. They need some kind of explanation in the text--not a narrative explanation, but an explanation in terms of his thoughts and sensations. In particular, I'd expect panic when he sees Connie flat on her back after hearing her scream.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
As I've commented before, you've got a great plot going here, and this short chapter twists the knot a bit tighter. Since the chapter is short, there's plenty of room to expand it along the lines I mentioned above.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
I don't really have line-by-line comments for you. As an aside, it would be a bit easier to read if you double-spaced between paragraphs, but that's pretty trivial.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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