Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Chapter 1: An AI named ANI"   by QuotidianScribe

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is a well-crafted opening chapter to a novel involving a powerful AI with friends in high places. However, the AI, like all Frankenstein monsters, has plans her human makers don't know about...nefarious plans...I especially liked the point in the chapter where the AI turned from sympathetic to chilling.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

We're in ANI's point-of-view throughout this chapter, but ANI is an advanced AI. In fact, she's more than that--her robotic body is a simulacrum of a female human. Her emergent personality is also female. She has physical quirks, like tapping her fingers. She has emotional responses as well, and is able to supress or use them to her advantage. All-in-all, she's a great character.

So, it's important that the opening paragraphs establish that she's a self-aware AI and draw readers into her head. I'm going to disect your opening paragraph with this in mind.

Her fingers drummed the glass surface of the office table in a steady staccato: her carbon polymer fingertips producing a higher pitched sound than one might expect - made all the more alien by the perfectly timed rhythm of the beat.

Now, this isn't a bad first paragraph. It starts with action, it sets the scene, and establishes that ANI is a cyborg. But it doesn't establish ANI as the POV character. In fact, the phrasing is one of an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, describing the scene. The pitch of taps is "higher than one might expect" is the first tell. It's not higher than ANI might expect, but higher than "someone, unknown" might expect. The sound is "alien," something ANI is unlikley to think about a sound that she produced.

Another issue is that the lead pronoun, "she," has no antecedent. This isn't just a pendantic observation about grammar. *Naming* your POV character is an important way to bring the readers into her head. THey will be expereincing the story thorugh her sensations, actions, thoughts, and words, so knowing her name is helpful, even critical, to establishing the POV. For sure, there's no reason in terms of the plot to NOT name her, so why not do it in the first sentence?

In terms of revisions, the basic information in the first paragraph is good. The problem is conveying it in a way that puts the reader in ANI's head. Maybe, for example, she knows that the inhuman pitch and perfect rhythm of fingernails on the glass will unnerve the general. She might see a four micron narrowing of his pupils and pleasure leaked into her circuits--or what she decided must be her equivalent of what humans called pleasure. You know ANI and can describe this better than this--but it's important to be in ANI's head from the start.

I think one of the issues going forward will be how ANI's emotions connect with her senses. In humans, our emotions often connect with autonomic responses--things like adrenalin sending needles down the spine or embarassment "heating" our faces. A being like ANI must have body-awareness, and it's at least possible that it would be on feedback loops below the level of conscious awareness. Humans respond to "hot" reflexively before thinking about it, so ANI, despite being a computer, might have similar responses. The point is that instead of telling the reader someone is "afraid," we can describe the autonomic response. Since ANI experiences emotions, it would be interesting and, more importantly, useful to know what these "feel like" to her.

IF her designers went to the trouble of making her look human, maybe they also programed in autonomic responses to make the simulation more complete? Just a thought.

Back to my main point--the opening needs to name ANI and establish her POV.

                                                             
Characters
The only character we really get to know in this chapter is ANI, and she's an awesome character indeed.

Good characters, i.e., ones useful to a fiction author, have goals, obstacles, and stakes. In terms of goals, they want something. Obstacles stand in the way of getting what they want. Something bad happens if they don't get what they want--these are the stakes. Goals and obstacles lead to confict. The outcome of the conflict matters because of the stakes. The three together lead to tension. Tension is the engine that drives your plot and keeps the pages turning.

ANI has a clear goal--to insert a controlled disruption in Arcadia. It's not quite clear why she wants to do this, but this is a first chapter. Plenty of time for why later, although a hint now would be useful. She's clearly worried about the "administrators" finding out and blocking her, so we've got opposition.

In terms of stakes, we don't know what bad thing will happen from ANI's perspective if she fails to achieve her goals (that's the "why" part), but it's pretty clear why the administrators care about the outcome. ANI is pretty heartless regarding her human subject, is unmoved by his death, and thinks of him as spare parts for "society." Given that she'so powerful and politcially connected, it would be pretty terrifying to have her be completely unchecked. The point is that the plot so far has plenty of tension.

ANI wants to disrupt something called "Arcadia." From what's here, I'm guessing that Aracadia is a virtual world. From the name, it's probably supposed to be some kind of ideal virtual world. Again, this is a first chapter, so details on Arcadia will be forthcoming. I don't think we need more for now, but soon we will soon to keep the stakes high.

                                                             
Plot
See above. I think I've got the plot more or less right.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

You've ended with a comgination of disaster--the failure of the trial--and plan. You've got a strong hook to keep the pages turning.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in ANI's head. See above for comments.

When she outmaneuvers the stuffed-shirt general, readers will want to cheer for her. But when she supervises the execution of a death-row inmate, things change. Sure, she has an abstract reason for the killing, but she's unmoved by his death. I wound up seeing her as a Franenstein Monster who is a threat to humanity. (I know, Mary Shelley's original Frankenstein wasn't the monster Hollywood created, but the Hollywood version is the one that's in the public mind.)

Kurt Vonnegut said that every story should have at least one character readers can cheer for. Right now, ANI doesn't look like that character--at least to me. She's doubly hard since she's not a person but a machine. I think you need some character we can cheer for, and soon.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Enough for staging. some of the descriptions, such as her walk through her company, reveal bits of her character, which is good. How a multi-tasking AI such as ANI perceives her environment will be an interesting challenge.

                                                             
Grammar
I don't read for grammar, although I almost always find something to whine about. In this case, I think I only found one extra word--a typo--so good job!

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
This is a well-written first chapter, with a well-drawn protagonist, lots of tension, and a good hook. I do think the opening paragraphs could use a some minor revision, but overall, good job!!!

You said it had been a while since you've written anything, but this chapter shows that you're an experienced author, well-versed in craft, and a capable story-teller. I look forward to reading more of this novel.

Thank you for sharing!


                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
a wall panel that was in no way different than any other, it slid back to reveal a small enclosure.My Comment: Two things. First, “it” appears to be an extra word, a typo. Second, adjectives like “ small” are too vague to provide scale. It’s better to give the scale—a meter-square, for example—or use a subjective term like “cramped.” The latter gives a human-sized scale to the space.

As she watched, Dr. Singh stopped what she was doingMy Comment: Is “Dr. Singh” the medical android mentioned in the prior paragraph? If so, I’d recommend naming her at the first mention to avoid confusion here. If not, I'd consider saying she's human.

Humans didn’t like the idea of making guinea pigs out of their own. Still, he was here, sedated, on her operating table - the power of her influence made manifest.My Comment: ANI just morphed from sympathetic to Frankenstein’s Monster…not a bad thing, but just an observation.

On the gurney, the death row inmate’s body began to spasm and flatline, but no one paid it any attention. The man was long gone by now, his body an empty shell. The doctors and nurses began to congratulate each other as the man’s body expired.My Comment: So he’s dying and no one cares, least of all ANI. It's my understanding that most witnesses to executions find the experience traumatic. These people took part in the execution of this man, so I'd expect some response. On the other hand, the people at the Nazi death camps had no such qualms. This lack of emotion hangs over everything that ANI and those allied with her and taints them with the memory of those death camps. Mengele did lots of experiments to advance medical science; that doesn't make him less of a criminal.

Of course, this is fiction and it may be your intent to so portray these characters. If so, that can readily serve your fictional purposes by giving readers someone to cheer *against,* almost as important as giving them somone to cheer *for.* so, this isn't a criticism but just an observation.

But more important than all of that was the fact that Mr. Ryan had confirmed it was possible to access Arcadia. My Comment: Access? Or insert a mind into Arcadia? The implication is that ANI already knows how to access Aracadia, since she plans to evaluate the consequences of inserting Rya’s mind into it (which is also “accessing” it). Nitpicky, I know, but words matter.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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