Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Layla- Chapter 1"   by cfish
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

I see that you've just joined WDC, so I'd like to add my personal welcome. This is a great place to post your work, to read other authors, and make new friends, both professional and personal. It's also a great place to learn and grow as an author. There are contests, places where you can learn about craft, informative newsletters, and much more. It can be kind of overwhelming for a newcomer, so if you have questions, don't hesitate to drop me a note.

Again, welcome to WDC. I hope your time here is as satisfying as mine has been.

                                                             
What I liked best
I like scary stories, and this one promises to fit the bill!!! Layla is already scary, and Ellie is a character readers will want to cheer for.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

In your opening, you name your point-of-view character, Ellie, and start in the middle of action. She's at a yard sale, shopping for something to add to her collection, and a vintage doll attracts her attention. These are all things that go into a good opening.

I do have some suggstions, though. For one thing, I'm not clear how old Ellie is. She's young enough she has to get her mother's permission to make a purchase, but she apparently has her own money since it seemed to me she paid for the doll. On the other hand, she has a "vintage collection." That choice of words suggests that she's at least a mid-teen, maybe older. Laster she fixes her own breakbast, which again suggests she's older, but that age doesn't quite fit with her asking permission to make the purchase. I'm sure YOU know her age, but it would be helpful for the reader to know.

Also, I *inferred* she was at a yard sale, but the text never made that clear. You could just have her think something like "most of the junk was typical of yard sales," but there are other clues you could insert. Items at yard sales often have price tags attached. There are usually other bargain seekers around,too. A touch more description of the scene might be nice, too. You could describe the house or the yard in ways that give a haunted house vibe, or have something unsettling happen.

Overall, the opening is pretty good, and it puts the reader in Ellie's head, but could use a touch more clarity on Ellie's age and maybe some details on the location.

                                                             
Plot
Layla's an evil doll. A classic plot, but it's classic because it resonates with fears and folktales. Voodoo dolls and Chuckie movies are part of our culture, and you can bring your own twist to the basic idea. Like Frankenstien, haunted evil dolls provide endless plot ideas for authors.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

Ellies bruises don't exactly fit one of these, but are a combination of dilemma and disaster. In any case, you have a good hook that will keep the pages turning.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Ellie's head. No slips or head-hops. GOod job.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--I can tell where all the characters are in relation to each other. However, the scenes are all pretty sparse. It's not like you need a lot--in fact, just the opposite. But having Ellie *interact* with or *react to* elements of the scene can help form her character. In her bedroom, for example, maybe she adjusts the alignment of something in her collection by a smidgen to the left, or frowns and polishes dust off one of them. Does she make her bed or leave it in dissarray? Little details like this add verisimilitude to the narrative *and* deepen character.

Similarly, when she inspects Layla maybe she finds a mark on the porcelain. "666" would be too obvious, but something sinister like a black raven stamped on the back of the doll's neck would be a sinister touch.

                                                             
Characters
Kurt Vonnegut said that every character should have a goal, even if it's just to get a drink of water.

Ellie's only goal has been to add to her "vintage collection." Well, she's got more--she wants to learn more about Layla, since she does a Google search. For now, that's a sufficient goal, although you might consider giving it a bit more stress.

In order for readers to care about the goal, something bad needs to happen if Ellie doesn't achieve her goal. That's the stakes involved getting--or not getting--what she wants. Right now, there are no stakes except satisfying her curiosity. I'd suggest that she try to search the provenance of the doll and the story the cashier told her--she could be searching for the history of the family. That would mean that you'd need to mention the name of the family earier--perhaps there's a sign that says "Munster Family Estate Sale" or whatever name you give them. (Maybe Winkless, for the connection to the Chuckie franchise.)

In addition to goals and stakes, there needs to be obstacles to Ellie achieving her goal. I'd do something to suggest that Layla is the obstacle. For example, maybe while Ellie is Googling, she hears a strange noise and Layla flops onto the floor, interrupting her search. That makes Layla the obstacle. Since Layla is obviously going to be the obstacle moving forward, you'd be foreshadowing the conflict. Layla is apparently already damaging Ellie, so that raises the stakes of Ellie learning more about Layla.

Goals and obstacles give rise to conflict. The outcome of the conflict matters because of the stakes. The combination of the three gives rise to tension, which is the engine that propels your novel. Increasing obstacles, raising the stakes, broadening the goals are all ways to add tension as the novel progresses.

                                                             
Grammar
Comma Splices.
Adverbs. You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust. I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Most of the line-by-line comments that follow involve tweaks to enhance this "fictional dream" aspect of the chapter. The general outline of the chapter, the characters, and premise are all promising and provide a good start to what promises to be a scary novel.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
She grabbed the doll and quickly walked My Comment: This is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned above. A more precise verb is almost always better. Perhaps she trotted, or jogged, or strode. Lots of choices.

"if it's over 10 bucks then forget it"My Comment: Most style guides will recommend writing out whole numbers between one and one hundred. See, for example, Paragraph 9.2 of the Chicago Manual of Style.

she said whilst hugging her.My Comment: You must be from the UK? “whilst” is not common in US English, although Ellie is clearly from the US since her mother says “ten bucks.”

Ellie walked towards an old lady,My Comment: could you describe her in greater detail, and in a way that lets the reader infer she’s old? Engaging the reader’s imagination in this way helps to draw them into the story.

Her wrinkled face plastered with nervousness.My Comment: As above, you’re telling us she’s nervous as opposed to showing it. Maybe her face pales, or she avoids looking at Ellie, or her voice has a quaver.

I currently don't have a doll in my collection." Ellie said while smiling at the doll.My Comment: “Doll” appears in successive sentences. Repeating words and phrases like this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. For example, Ellie might be smiling at “her find” instead of the “doll.”

"Well," The lady hesitated. "She was a family heirloom, passed down generation after generation. My Comment: Here, I know what you’re doing, but this feels like telegraphing instead of foreshadowing. You might consider instead having Ellie ask about the history of the doll, and the old lady saying it has a tragic history. For example, she might say her “Great-great-grandmother lost her parents and siblings, the poor thing.” Then she could go on and say “some people” said she murdered them, but I never believed that.” I’d turn this into an interesting anecdote about the provenance of the doll, and one of uncertain validity.

she ended up having a really crazy episode one day and killed her two siblings and her parents. My Comment: So she was crazy, murdered her parents and siblings, but then later—instead of being in prison or a madhouse—apparently married the woman’s great-great-grandfather and left the doll to her daughter. Sorry, this isn’t a credible tale. But see above—I’d soften this into a tall tale that the woman doesn’t really believe. Especially this detail feels like a step too far to me.

It was her routine to do research on any new item she added to her shelf, even if it was little.My Comment: Author intrudes to state a fact. Readers will figure out what she’s doing—especially given the tall tale she heard about Layla

Ellie typed in the description of the porcelain doll and clicked search.My Comment: A google search for “antique porcelain dolls” has over eleven million hits. It’s more likely whatever she entered as a description, she’d have too many, not too few. I’d also suggest you tell us what she typed If I add “with raven mark” to the search, it just gets worse with overe thirty-eight million results.

"What is going on?" Ellie said nervously.My Comment: Another of those weak verb/adverb combination. Here, you should show her being nervous by giving her a physical reaction—maybe an electric tingle jittering down her back. She might also mutter or murmur instead of “said.”

As Ellie woke up she felt like she had been hit by a brick. My Comment: Later we learn her muscles ache, which is a better description since it’s more specific.

As she walked into the living room, there she was. Layla was in the hands of these little boys. My Comment: “these little boys” are her cousins. Surely she’d recognize them, especially as her Aunt has been repeatedly hanging out with Ellie’s mom as she fights with her husband. If they are going to reappear, name them now.

Ellie had a younger brother, My Comment: name him… and where is he?

"They were arguing and needed something to play with so I gave it to them."My Comment: It was on a shelf in her room, right? So they went into her room, while she was asleep, and got the doll?

Her mother slowly dragged herself up the stairs. My Comment: Another adverb. “Dragged” is a perfectly good verb, but she can’t “quickly” drag herself, so it doesn’t add anything. Also, Ellie is in her room, so she can’t see this. All she can do think her mother is taking forever to answer her call.

glanced at her in terror.My Comment: Given the context, she’d be “staring” instead of “glancing.” Also, show her being terrified instead of telling the reader she’s terrified. Her eyes could bulge, her face could pale, for example.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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