Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "The End of Summer"   by Bobby Lou Stevenson
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
Hard to say I exactly *enjoyed* this, but it's certainly a timely commentary on the cruel political hysteria in the US against certain minorities.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening paragraph answers the who/what/when/where questions, and the second paragraph answers the "why." Carl is the protagonist, and you name him as well. Part of the point here, of course, is the final paragraph, which can't be in Carl's POV, so instead you've chosen a third person omniscient narrator. More on this in a bit.

                                                             
Plot
Carl faces a cruel punishment for a deed that doesn't merit a death sentence. The depths of the cruelty become apparent in the details of the execution.

                                                             
Style and Voice
This is third person omniscient, as is evident from the first paragraph. I understand why Carl can't be the POV character, but I think it might be more appropriate if someone else--perhaps the mayor--provided the POV. After all, the mayor chose the "less painful" method of execution, so perhaps he had some doubts about the severity of the sentence. He could see Carl's eyes roll and perhaps see horror in their depths as his head is displayed. He could also see Sweetpea at the end, the only creature to mourn for Carl. Adding his POV, perhaps even making this a first person narrator, would make this more personal and intimate. That intimacy would make the cruelty and malice even more horrifying.

                                                             
Referencing
Given the means of execution, this is probably not a modern era--but it might be a near future era. However, leaving the era indeterminate increases the power of the story as metaphor, so I think I'd leave this aspect unchnaged.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Good details throughout

                                                             
Characters
Since we've got an omniscient narrator, there's not a lot of chance to understand the emotions in the story. That's one reason I suggested a first person narrator. It might be the mayor, especially since Sweetpea belongs to him. It could be anyone who, at the end, senses the cruetly of the punishment. It might even be an innocent child who doesn't understand what he did. The cruetly and spectacle are, of course, the point of this kind of thing.

                                                             
Grammar
A typo here and there, but no real complaints. Good job!

I did notice several instances of passive voice. That takes the edge off of the events of the story. It's people who do thses ghastly things to a fellow human being. Show them doing it. Show their delight in their cruelty.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I can't say I *liked* this story, but it did an effective job of making its point. The connection with real-world events will be obvious to readers--except, of course, those most in need of it.

Thanks for writing this, as well as for sharing it. Do keep writing!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
and rat infested confinement, My Comment: suggest rat-infested, with a hyphen

Summer was taken to the village square where,My Comment: passive voice, which puts readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be actively imagining the events in the here-and-now. Thus, I’d name the who takes him to the square and show their demeanor.

Summer was strapped prone to a wooden plankMy Comment: Again, *people* strapped him to the plank. Personalize the cruelty to make it more intimate and immediate.

Caution was taken to insure he would not suffer injury as his head was secured in place with a pillory.My Comment: I’d have the people securing his head tell him why they are doing it—they might even tell him they’re doing it so he’ll be able to see his headless body after the fact.

The blade release lever was disengaged.My Comment: more passive voice….also the executioner probably wore a hood, which is an indication that the people doing these things are at least partly aware of the cruelty.

t is possible, in those briefest of seconds, he might have seen My Comment: Here, I’d have the POV character—assuming there is one--*imagine* these things happening. This is stronger than the “might haves” that are in this paragraph. When the head is held aloft, he can see the mouth open in a silent scream, and see the eyes roll in horror.

Ultimately, Summer was stripped nakedMy Comment: Again, more passive voice. People do these awful things to a fellow human being. Show them doing it. Show their gleeful laughter and vengeful cries while blood runs down their arms.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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