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Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I love the intricate plot, of course, but Aiden is the star of this. Hitchcock said that the audience cares about the characters. The plot, he continued, is there to give the characters something to care about. This story gives us both fascinating plot and characters.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical. A chapter is a natural break point, and so at a minimum the author should re-establish point of view as soon as possible, even if the POV never changes. Answering some of the who/when/where questions is also important.

I know it's been months since i've had a chance to read more of this story, but I'd even forgotten Aiden's *name.* In any case, a bit more of an opening transition to reinsert the readers into Aiden's head and thus into the fictional world would have at least helped me, if not others.

                                                             
Plot
We're now in the middle of a reverse, double-left twist to the plot, and we get hints that Ben's long term plans are something mysterious and irresitable...so the plot is great. As with the other chapters, it's full of tension even though this is all just planning--but it's great setup for the next chapter, which is likely to be an explosion.

                                                             
Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

This ends with Ben's kidnap, prelude to the upcoming meeting, the meeting being the goal throughout. So the entire chapter is basically a hook (goal) that keeps the reader wanting more.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person in Aiden's head.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging, except that there's a lot of narration where Aiden tells us stufff. I'm not sure it needs to have more setting--that might slow everything down and the breakneck pace keeps the reader going. Maybe a bit more description of the interior of Ben's house, or where the inititial conversation with Lucius is happening? Up to you.

                                                             
Characters
This is almost all Aiden's interior knivings. Interesting to see how his character deepens with each chapter.

                                                             
Grammar
No specific complaints here, so instead of grammar I'll make a comment on style.

There are several places where Aiden says things like, "I heard..., "I saw...," otherwise sensed. This is a subtle form of telling.

It's almost always more immediate and intimate for the reader if you instead describe directly what he heard and saw. This is a first person narrative, so it it's on the page it follows that he heard/saw/sensed whatever it was. If you want to *emphasize* he sensed it, you can have him react in some way. Just be sure to keep the sequence in order--first the action, then the reaction.

This is just a little thing, but it can help to draw readers into your fictional world, especially if you use the action/reaction bit.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I think you know I'm enjoying this story. In fact, the more I read of it, the more I enjoy it. I'm glad you have your priorities in order and paid attention to your studies. After all, I'm a retired professor and dean. But I'm also glad to be reading more of Aiden, Ben, Vince, and all the rest. Keep them coming as you have time!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Lucius worried infinitely. My Comment:I remember reading and enjoying the earlier installments to this story, but I confess I’ve lost the thread. So, picking up here, I’m kind of disoriented.

In any case, it’s a new chapter and even if I’d been reading last night, it’s a good idea to reorient the reader on fundamnetals—who is he POV character, where are they, etc. The essential who/what/when/where/why questions.

Indeed, this uses a first person narrator, but that’s not clear until the 3rd paragraph. Note, too, that the highlighted sentence, while a metaphor, also tells the reader Lucius is worried rather than showing him being worried. Physical tells like biting his lip, tapping his feet or fingers, rubbing his hands on his pants, etc, would be stronger than telling us. Even an over-the-top metaphor would be better.


"You're not a complete idiot. Yeah, pretty much. He doesn't wanna fuck up again," Lucius told me.My Comment: Some body language here (a gesture, or even a snort) would help to give some tone this answer.

I grabbed an untitled one, his journal, My Comment: It seems imprudent to this while Ben is lying unsecured in the other room. I know he’s unconscious, but, hey! I’ve seen enough movies where this slip-up is disaster…

This was a rebellion and he had already prepared his opening salvos. He didn't need to fire a shot if he did everything right. My Comment: too many pronouns…by a couple proper nouns to help keep track of who “he” is.

all dressed up, outside.My Comment: into the garage, right? Not outside where all those neighbors can see.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net