Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "More Than A Million Dreams "   by Sumojo
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I liked this story quite a bit. The premise is both timely and chilling. Lilia's tormented scream outside the University, where she says "we don't need you" (meeaning the AI that has taken over her world) is pretty scary, and--I think--summarizes the point of the story. For story-as-metaphor, this is a great piece.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

I know I've mentioned this in reviews before...but it's still relevant. The first three paragraphs offer an awesome (if chilling) panorama of the sleeping city. It's the kind of shot that can be so effective at the start of a movie, where the camera serves as the eye of the audience.

But in written fiction, there is no camera. Everything happens in the imagination of the reader. That imagination is best stimulated by putting the reader into the head of a point-of-view character. In this story, that would be Lilia.

Now, if your lead sentence had been something like, "Lilia walked the silent streets of the city, loneliness her only companion." That little sentence would establish her as the person *seeing* the description that follows, and makes all the difference. If you added a sensation it would help even more to solidify her point of view. So, for example, one more sentence like, "The knowledge that she was the only waking soul amoung the millions sent a chill rippling down her spine." With those two sentences--or soemthing similar--you'd put the readers in her head. Now the readers will see those three opening paragraphs as being tinged with her emotional reactions as she takes in the city.

It's a small, almost inconsequential change, but by personalizes the descriton it makes all the difference in terms emotional energy.

                                                             
Plot
Love the plot! Lilia's alone and confronted with a puzzle and a challenge. She's seeking a solution...and eventually finds it.

                                                             
Style and Voice
See above. I didn't flag anything but the opening, but there are other places where a minor tweek would change an author intrusion into Lilia's thoughts or observations.

                                                             
Referencing
Good job establishing the modern era...which makes the story even creepier!

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Good descriptions throughout. Again, a minor tweek here and there to emphasize it's Lilia seeing these things. I would NOT write "Lilia saw...", though. Instead, I'd have her react to things she sees.

                                                             
Characters
Lilia is a character with a goal: get everyone else to wake up! The stakes are pretty obvious. The obstacle is, of course, AIDEN. (Clever name, that.) Goals and obstacles provide conflict. THe stakes are why the outcome of the conflict matters. So you've got all the elments you need for a killer plot.

There's a nice synergy between Lilia's goal and the metaphor implicit in the plot, so good work there, too.

                                                             
Grammar
I didn't seen anything to complain about.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion

This is a fine story. It's well-conceived, with the theme, the character arc, the plot all converging nicely in a single, unified metaphor. My only suggestions are minor tweeks to firm up the point of view.

Good job!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Her eyes closed before two million gigabytes of digital memory started to upload.My Comment: Just a question…she’s downloading those memories from AIDEN to her head, right? Not uploading her memories TO AIDEN. Or am I misunderstanding? Or maybe it's one of those "proper English" vs "US English" things. You know what they say, the UK and US are two nations separated by a common language.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
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Thoughts on Writing  (NPL) Short essays on the craft of fiction. #1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Max Griffin
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