Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Whose Side Are You On?"   by Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This story combines a strong plot and a strong character arc, both fitting together nicely.

                                                             
Style and Voice
Ordinarily, I'd start with "first paragraph," but instead I'm going to start here, for reasons that will become apparent.

This story uses a first person narrator, Damien. Obvious, I know. What's less obvious is that first person is generally harder to write than third person. One of the reasons is that it's hard for both the author and the reader to escape the feeling that the narrator is telling the story. In this case, as with most first person stories, the narrator uses the past tense to describe actions in the here-and-now present of the fictional world.

However, in this story, we launch with the narrator remembering a past event--something that happened fifteen years prior to the fictional present. That makes the beginning page-and-a-half a flashback. Even worse, since the reader knows it's not happening in the fictional here-and-now, the reader's mindset isn't enmeshed in the here-and-now of the story but rather in the narrated account of the past events--the reader is standing outside the here-and-now of the narration because the reader knows that the narrator is also not in the here-and-now of the events he's describing.

Once the readers are outside the fictional world looking in, it's almost impossible to put them inside the world, collaboratign with the author in imagining the myriad details that never make it to the page.

Yet, the structure of the story demands that the reader *know* about the events from fifteen years prior. So, the problem becomes one of how to achieve that without the narrated flashback.

(Of course, an alternative might be to abandon the first person narrator, start in the fictional here-and-now of fifteen years ago, then jump the fictional here-and-now of the present, but that still leaves us with a flashback at the opening which threatens to break the readers' connections with the fictional world.)

So, here are my main suggestions for this story.

First, start in the fictional here-and-now of the story, the day or week before that fateful meeting in the office with Biggs and Jiggs. Devise a scene in which you have an opportunity to show the information from fifteen years in the past in a natural way.

Now, you know your characters better than I ever could, but I can think of several ways you might do this. Damien might hear about Conover's current investigation from someone prior to the meeting with Biggs and Jiggs, for example. This might incite him to do some checking, maybe drive by where Conover currently lives, and in the course of doing the checking the key information from the current introduction comes out. This then sets up the main conflict of the story, both in terms of plot and character arc.

The point is that I think you need to start the story in the here-and-now of the fictional present where most of the action takes place. The opening you have now distances the reader from the events and hence from the story itself. I believe it would be a much stronger story if it all happens in the same time frame.

                                                             
Plot
The main plot of the story has to do with Damien subverting Biggs' plans. The character arc also involves replacing Damien's initial goal of vengence with one of protecting family, and how the latter also achieves the former. (So the opening paragraphs should also mention how close he is at last to being able to kill Biggs and Jiggs.)

That's the main plot, but the climax of the *action* related to this plot is narrated as opposed to shown real-time, in the fictional present, as ongoing events. Indeed, Damien even says, "I hardly recall enough about what transpired to describe it." We have lots of well-written diaglogue preceding this between Damien and Rose, Damien and James, and Damien and Jiggs, but the climax is all narrated. In passing, the climax with Jiggs also isn't shown--we just know "it was over quickly." I'd be happier--not that you should care about my happiness!--if we actually saw Jiggs and Biggs get what they had coming.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Enough here for staging; otherwise it's kind of sparse. Not a bad thing--the narrator is kind of hard-bitten, so he's not going to be given to eloquently describing a whisper of scent or a gossamer glimmer.

                                                             
Characters
Damien is a character we can cheer for. He's got a distinctive voice, one that's led a rocky life but is capable of introspection. The others are kind of stock characters, but fill their roles nicely.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I enjoyed this story. It's got kind of a complex setup for the plot, but the main plot and character arc are both strong. I might be overly sensitive to flashbacks, but generally they are a bad idea in short stories where the author gets only one shot at connecting the readers' imaginations to the fictional world. Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing! Anyone that can come up with great plots like this has a talent for story-telling!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             

This story is also well crafted--I truly did not see anything to flag here, almost a first for me!

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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