Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "The lost city"   by Sumojo
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I *love* stories like this, where some future archeologist explores a contemporary site and deduces things about their past (our present) and compares them to their present (our future). This isn't exactly a sub-genre, but it could be. Anyway, I love the premise, and you've givin it your own creative twist. I enjoyed it from start to finish!

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

First, you do a good job of orienting the reader. It's not just the great sensory details like the tangled ivy and crumbling limestone, but it's also orienting the reader on the kind of story this is going to be. I knew from the first couple of paragraphs that this was going to be the type of story I described above. That sets the stage for everything that follows, so good job with that.

I have several more comments about your opening paragraphs, many relating to point of view (see below), but I'll stop here. In terms of the basics, this does a good job.

                                                             
Style and Voice
My major suggestions pertain to the point of view.

Initially, I thought that Kai was going to be the POV character. We start with him acting and sensing, for example. But then we learn what Aria "didn't hear," which slips into her POV. From that point, the narrative describes with "they" did collectively, so the narrator of the story becomes omniscient, standing outside the story, looking in--which is characteristic of omniscient narrators.

So, my main suggestion here is to pick one of the two characters--probably Kai--to provide the point of view. Use that viewpoint to describe things like the scent of decay, or stumbling over the crumbling stairs--have him sensing and doing, and thus reveal the details that the narrative describes more remotely as things "they" sensed and saw. This will be at once more immediate and inimate for your readers and will help to draw readers into your fictional world.

The line-by-line remarks below elaborate a bit on this idea.

                                                             
Plot

The plot is all about the contrast between the ruins and the life they imagine their ancestors had and the reality of their glitzy but essentially false life underground. We get a good emotional resonance while they are in the ruins, but later, after they land, it felt more distant. Again, this probably has to do with the natural distancing effect of omniscient narration, which is less full-blown in the early parts of the story.

Still, it's a good plan for the plot, and the ending provides closure to the contrast--I think more emotional resonance in the second half of the story would make it even stronger.


                                                             
Scene/Setting
Good contrasting the way they experience the two worlds.

                                                             
Characters
This story is about the difference between the two worlds--the one that Kai and Aria imagine for our present, and the one in which they live. THe characters are believable, even sympathetic, but there's no character arc to resonate with the plot.

Vonnegut once said that every character should want something, even if it's just a glass of water. This relates to character arc. Characters like Kai--or Aria, for that matter--should have goals: they should want something. Something bad, or least undesirable, should happen if they don't attain those goals: these are the stakes. Finally, something should stand in the way of achieving those goals: they face obstacles. Goals and obstacles give rise to conflict. The outcome of the conflict matters because of the stakes. This gives rise to tension, which is the engine that drives a story.

Implicit in this story is a disaffection that Kai and Aria have for thier current reality, a nostalgic reverence for their past. But this is all narrated--again, that omniscient narrator shows up. It would resonate better if you found a way to weave this character arc into the story and integrate it better with the events of the plot.

I can't give specific suggestions on how to do this--for me, it's kind of a holistic process that sometimes works better than other times. Almost always, thought, it means going back and tweeking aspects of the narrative to show this kind of thing, linking both character arcs and plot into an integrated whole.

The bottom line, though, is that this starts with character's goals, stakes, and obstacles. Thinking about it, maybe Kai and Aria have *different* goals,stakes, and obstacles that can serve as counterpoint and help to highlight those of the POV character--whichever one you select.

                                                             
Grammar
I found one or two minor typos--nothing to worry about. See the line-by-line remarks.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I love the premise of the story and the creative vision of the future--although it's not a future I'd choose to live in! Of courses, that's part of the point of the story. I also loved meeting Kai and Aria and want to get to know them better--another feature that makes this story engaging. I do have some suggestions that I think could make the story better, but it's your story and it's up to you to decide whether to change anything. It's a good story as is.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
“I can make out the date, Aria.” The surface-scout tugged at the ivy clinging firmly to the stone wall.My Comment: I’d consider reversing the order of these two sentences, and perhaps add something like “Kai peered at the faint symbols etched in the stone.” That way to name Kai and start with him doing something, which establishes the POV and puts the readers in his head.

“Be careful, Kai,” his companion’s voice raised when crumbling masonry threatened to collapse. Pieces of limestone dropped onto the moss-covered paving stones, disturbing the uncanny silence.My Comment: Reverses the sequencing of the cause/effect chain. I’d consider describing the limestone dropping first, then giving his companion’s reaction.


“Melbourne State Library 1854” he read. “Wow,” he whispered in awe. “That’s over 400 years ago.”My Comment: I infer that “he” is Kai, however the nearest noun is “his companion,” so technical it’s her. But we learn in the next sentence it’s not.

My Comment: But Aria didn’t hear him, she’d gone to the vehicle to get the equipment needed to safely enter and explore the historical site.My Comment: Hops to Aria’s head. Whose POV are we in?

To reach the entrance they’d first had to navigate a set of crumbling steps. My Comment: A tiny time reversal…maybe you should start here?


Did you know libraries were places which were free for any citizen to use?My Comment: Alas, this is not strictly true, at least in the US. A local private university only permits *their* students, faculty and staff to enter and use their library.

as if they were in the presence of some diety My Comment: typo: deity.


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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