Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "The Name’s Daisy"   by Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
I enjoy crime fiction and have even written a few, so of course I liked this piece. The mystery is satisfying, and the characters are all credible. Daisy, in particular, is easy to cheer for. Overall, a nice story, and well-written, too!

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This is a pretty good opening. You name your POV character--always a challenge in first person narratives--estalbish the POV, and answer the basic who/what/when/where questions. We learn at once that this will be about a murder, and we even gets bits about what kinds of cases Daisy won't take, which establishes her as a sympathetic character.

I have one minor tweak to suggest. Instead of starting with Eliza speaking, I'd consider starting with Daisy's phone waking her up--or at least getting her attention as she was deciding whether to get up. It's also likely she'd be answering her mobile phone, so she could read the caller ID--it'd probably be for Bobby rathar than Eliza, unless Eliza is calling her mobile phone. In any case, I'd consider setting the scene and putting us in Eliza's head before anyone speaks.

Starting with a disembodied voice speaking is generally not a good idea since we don't know who is speaking and who is hearing the voice. If you start as suggested above, you've already put the reader in Daisy's head and so there's no question that she's the one hearing the voice on the phone.

                                                             
Plot
A good plot, with a lazy detective whose ego is easily bruised. We see Daisy's imperfections in action as she alienates him instead of enlisting him as her partner, which causes him to impede her investigation.

You got many details correct here. For example, a defense attorney can't generlly get access to an active crime scene, so she can't "investigate." She *could* conceivably get supervised access if the police consent, which is why it was dumb for her alienate the detective. Dumb, but understandable, and it adds to the plot that she's now boxed out. Of course, she could also force things later through a judge's order, but that's after Eliza's been arraigned.

Once the police release the crime scene, of course she can "investigate" to her heart's content, but she'd need the permission of the estate. Since Bill and the mother are living there, they might have a say, too. Getting clothes for Eliza to wear at the arraignment is a good excuse, but Bill or the mother could do that and reasonably deny access. I'm presuming that Eliza and her husband jointly owned the property, so Eliza could grant Daisy permission to enter except for those parts of the property where Bill and the mother lived and, probably, to the actual scene of the crime, i.e., the room where the murder happened. That would likely be taped off with yellow police tape and possibly guarded by an officer. An officer might guard entrance to the entire house, as a courtesy to the people who live there, but whether they could deny her access to the dwelling after Daisy granted consent is questionable. It might take a judge's order to vacate that (except that access to the room where the murder took place would likely still be restricted).

More on procedures...I think it would be stronger if Daisy said up front that she was looking for something for Eliza to wear at her arraignment. This would be an ordinary errand, and would only involve going to the master bedroom. It would excuse looking in dresser drawers and other things that Daisy does, and wouldn't impinge on the actual crime scene, which is likely taped off.

I also think it would be stronger to emphasize all the clues she's winnowed out of Bill's Facebook pages. That would include multiple check-ins at various casinos, for example, check-ins being one of the annoying violations of privacy that FB is delighted to do automatically. Anyway, this gives Daisy an array of reasons to start looking. I think addressing the issues of permissions would also be helpful.

These are minor details--ones that only occured to me because I've lately been writing my own polic procedurals. Minor, but this kind of detail could add some verisimilitude.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person, in Daisy's head. no slips or head-hops.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
I made a few comments in the line-by-line remarks below. Nothing major. I would set the scene of the crime with more detail when Daisy first arrives: the chalk outline, maybe an over-turned end table and a broken lamp, establishing that there'd been a struggle. You mention much later that the room was a "mess," which is one reason to describe when she first encounters it.

                                                             
Characters
Daisy is awesome. Impetuous, smart, agressive. I liked her a lot. The obdurate detective is the right mix of officious bully with oversized and easily bruised ego. Her reporter friend makes for a good foil. We only glimpse her somewhat ditzy client, but a nice job there, too.

                                                             
Grammar

Commas.
I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_comma.html
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I did see one or two spots where you used a comma with a compound predicate, usually not required.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a fine story, with a good plot and nice tension. Daisy's goals are clear, the stakes are high, and the obstacles great. She overcomes them all, even the ones she imposed herself. She shows character growth by letting her reporter friend constrain her inclination to berate the detective at the end.

Thanks for sharing! This was a fun read!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Detective Lenny Stewart greeted me brusquely. My Comment: It’s clear from his words that he’s being “brusque,” so the adverb doesn’t really add anything. Now, if you described his facial expression or tone, it would be different.

There had been a struggle, that was obvious by the mess in the room,My Comment: Would have been better to mention this when she entered room, but we didn’t get much scene setting at that point. You did mention the chalk outline, but that’s about it.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

Check out most recent release!

ASIN: B0B3J7HV2M Timekeepers Product Type: Kindle Store Amazon's Price: $ 6.99 Buy Now!