Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Viva La Vida"   by Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
Wow. This is an awesome story. I loved the Solzhenitsyn quote at the beginning, and it fits perfectly for the story.

Among other things, it let me to this cello cover of the Cold Play song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R9v6MEfEpU
I guess I'm too much a child of earlier decades since I found the Cold Play cover kind of bleh, but this cello cover revealed the underlying beauty of the melody. Of course, the lyrics are also great, and important to the story.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Truly, the only part of the story where I found some things you might consider for revision is in the opening. Basically, you begin with two disembodied voices talking on the phone. Since it's first person, we knew as soon as her mom speaks her name and gender, so you've got the POV established, but what's missing is context, where Jane is at, and some subjective, internal sensations that only she can feel.

I wouldn't add too much--a sentence or at most two would suffice. But I'd for sure consider some kind of preamble before the preamble. Maybe something like:

I'm sure you can do better. The idea is to establish where she's at, maybe with a hint that it's in disarray as a metaphor for her life. This little bit, including the implied thought about no money, no job, no hope helps to put the reader in Jane's head. From that point, you're good to go.

                                                             
Plot
Jane's lost all hope, feels isolated and rejected, and makes a final decision. She meets her doppleganger and escapes from the cycle of self-blame and into a world where redemption is possible.

                                                             
Style and Voice
First person. No slips, and exactly right for this story.

                                                             
Referencing
Modern day, both from the song and other references like her mobile phone.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Lots of really good, vivid descriptions throughout this piece (the single excpetion being her apartment at the beginning). You use subjective adjectives which also helps to reinforce that it's Jane sensing things around her.

I did make a comment about phrases like "I heard..." or "I saw..." in the line-by-line remarks below, which are a subtle form of telling.

                                                             
Characters
This is all Jane. You did a great job with her, showing her despair and, later, her determination and ultimate resiliance.


                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is an important story with an important message. My one suggestion has to do with framing in the opening paragraphs, but it's a minor one. The story stands on its own as written. Thank you for sharing and by all means keep on writing.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
I could hear crickets and katydids making a racket as I trudged past the seemingly endless stretch of forest.My Comment: This one of many great descriptions in this story. However, phrases like “I could hear…” are subtle forms of telling.

We’re firmly in Jane’s head at this point, so arguably everything on the page is something she’s sensed, knows, or thinks. It’s almost always more immediate and intimate for the readers to directly describe what she hears rather than filtering it through her with an “I heard…” To emphasize she heard it, you can have her react in some way, exactly as you do here.

My phone's ringtone blasted through the heavy silence inside my head, and I opened my eyes to find it was broad daylight.My Comment: A good transition, but you might consider revealing it was broad daylight by showing her reaction rather than stating a fact. For example, “I squinted my eyes against blazing daylight.” That’s showing it’s daylight by her reaction.

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

Check out most recent release!

ASIN: B0C9P9S6G8 Murder on Cabot's Landing Product Type: Kindle Store Amazon's Price: $ 1.99 Buy Now!