Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Highway of Tears"   by Nightkeeper
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
When I was growing up, I loved watching the Twilight Zone and the Alfred Hitchcock TV shows on my parents black-and-white Zenith TV. (I'm dating myself, I know!) The best stories featured a twist that sent a chill slithering down my spine. This story did that for me, so thank you for that.


                                                             
Plot
I'm going to start with the plot since it's the twist that makes this story so effective. Part of what makes it effective is that it breaks a couple of "rules."

One "rule" is that it's better to tell your story in linear order. But this story starts in the present, then flashes back one week. That breaks another "rule"--don't do flashbacks in short stories.

But breaking these rules works in this story. The events in the first segment, in the present raise lots of questions, like who is the guy driving the Camero? What makes him think the victim is a serial killer? In fact, we're not exactly clear who is the victim and who is the villian.

That's brings up another "broken rule"--there should be a character the reader can cheer for. The reader WANTS to discover that character, EXPECTS to discover that character. But the opening witholds this information, creating suspense. The opening is a hook to read the rest of the story.

In fact, it's the last "broken rule" that makes the whole structure work. It creates suspense in the mind of the reader, compels further reading, and relieves the suspense at the very end.

It's brilliant, really, and something I would never have thought of. I "knew better" than to structure a story this way, but you revealed a counterpoint to what I thought I "knew."

It's never too late to learn!

                                                             
Style and Voice
Here, I'm of a mixed mind. This story is largely third person omniscient, where the narrator stands outside the story, looking in. This distances the reader from the fictional world and makes the fictional dream--where the reader collaborates with the author in imagining the details of the fictional world--more difficult to generate.

Third person limited--where the author puts the reader inside the head of one of the characters and tells the story from that character's point of view--is so pervase precisely because it's more intimate and immediate for the reader. Revealing the details of the fictional world through the senses of that character (and the words and deeds of all the characters) is almost always a better way to show a story--'show,' since omniscient narrators are necessarily 'telling' parts of the story.

I do suggest you at least consider revising this to be third person limited in Andrew Jack's point of view throughout. You don't have to name him at the outset if you want to keep that secret--although when the Camero appears later, it's pretty clear. It wouldn't even take much of a revision to put the first segment in his head. You first sentence is:

This is an awesome first sentnece. It sets the scene, answering the who/what/when/where questions, and does so in an ominous way. But it's an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, describing the man and the scene. Here's what I think you might consider for a change:

It's almost exactly what you wrote, except that it leads with the man doing something--leaning and "waiting." That establishes his point of view, and what follows is arguably what HE sees, as opposed to a nameless narrator outside the story. To nail being in his head, if you added some internal sensation that only he can feel--brisk wind tingling on his cheeks, or perhaps he lights his cigarette and the smoke rasps in his throat, you'd reinforce his POV.

You'd not need to change anything else in the opening, and you'd have "the man" as the POV character and you'd be in third person limited, as opposed to third person omniscient.

Similarly, in the next segment, you could NAME the POV character, peering up at the Nikal from the vantage of his wheelchair. It will eventually dawn on the readers that Andrew Jack is also "the man" from the opening--the Camaro is a big clue, and then we learn the secret of the wheelchair, so we get that surprise as the story develops. But it still doesn't answer the basic questions of the opening--who's the hero and who's the villian?

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream. It's still possible that Andrew Jack is a crazy loon running around shooting random people he things are serial killers. Indeed, his subterfuge with the wheelchair kind of adds to that suspicion, and hence to the tension. The final line is what turns everything on it's head.

The key here is identifying the source of tension in the story--who's the villian?--and introducing elements to add to the tension. The more that Andrew Jack comes across as crazy, the better. I would keep these as subtle touches--like the instant coffee, which makes him feel isolated and out of touch--rather than overt.

                                                             
Hook
Usually a "hook" is at the ending of chapter. Here, the hook is in your opening, and it's brilliant.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging, but these also help set mood and character. Lots of little details add a sense of forboding to the story. We also get a sense of Andrew's isolation from the descriptions of where he lives. Good work here.


                                                             
Just my personal opinion
I *really* liked this story. My one suggestion is to consider revising it to third person limited instead of third person omniscient. The story *works* as it is, but my suspicion is that it would work even *more* if you used third person limited. Put us inside Andrew Jack's head. Make us feel the satisfaction when he pulls the trigger. Laster, when we meet him in his lonely wheelchair (not knowing he was the person in the opening), we'll feel compassion for him and want to cheer for him. But even then, his isolation and slightly off-kilter actions begin to raise suspicious. Then the Camaro appears, and we connect him with the opening. Tension raises. He must be one of the psychopathic serial killers. But the ending relieves all.

Maybe my vision of the story is what's off-kilter, but I don't think so. I think you've crafted a brilliant story as it stands. These are just some ideas at the edges that might, if you agree, make it slightly better.

Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing. You have real talent!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Andy lived in a renovated warehouse at the back of his parents’ roadhouse on the Highway of Tears in British Columbia, halfway between the towns of Prince George and Prince Rupert. My Comment: The story stops here while the narrator intrudes to tell the reader stuff. This is important stuff, to be sure, but it’s still an info-dump.

Here’s a suggestion. Have Andy pause while a semi roars by on Highway 16. He might squint against the headlights and say something about it being the Highway of Tears. She might say it’s because serial killers take advantage of the soils and coyotes to dispose of their victims. Then he can think “perfect” before gesturing to his warehouse dwelling and offering coffee. That reveals the information through the words and deeds of the characters and the final ‘perfect’ adds menace to Andrew Jack.

Andy spooned instant coffee into cups.My Comment: I love the instant coffee. Well, no, I *hate* instant coffee, but I love what it says about him. You might even have him “fix” the coffee by using the hot water from the tap instead of heating it on the stove.

Cops these days, he thought and eyed her over his cup. You’d never know . . . she looks like a typical backpacker.My Comment: Here, you’ve correctly placed Andrew’s internal thoughts in italics. However, most editors will tell you to omit “thought tags”—the italics alone are sufficient to cue the reader that this is Andrew’s thought—especially since you’ve put us in his head by this point.

It read: “Garry Taylor Handlin. Silver BMW M3. Personalized plates 4MY EGO.”My Comment: Answers any lingering question about who was the shooter in the opening, but heightens the tension. It looks like Andrew is the real villain of the story, and your next sentence seems to clinch it (I’ll not quote the next sentence—I’ll leave it for readers to discover.) This all sets of the actual *release* from tension with the revelation in the final sentence that turns everything on its head.


                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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