Crosstimbers Review Forum

Yes, I'm re-branding the Forum. Just the graphics and name have changed--everything else is the same.

Here's your review.



Item Reviewed: "Green Dragon"   by Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
This is a fun story about a retired detective who starts a new career.

                                                             
Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening does a good job of orienting reader in time and space, establishing the point of view, and then, via the conversation with Joey, Liz's goals. You use active verbs and vivid descriptions, too, which is all to the good.

My one suggestion in the opening is to start with Liz waking up and glaring at her bedside clock. That establishes her as the POV character, and so we know it's Lis who hears the annoying sounds in the current first sentence. It's generally better in terms of reader engagement to establish the POV as early as possible.

                                                             
Plot
Liz is bored an unfulfilled in retirement, so when the CIA comes calling, she pursues it despite having never applied for the position.

This launches the story, but I confess it leaves many questions unanswered. For example, why did the CIA decide to pursue her despite the fact that she never applied? Indeed, the whole sequence seems a bit improbable. It might be cleaner if she answered an ad in the personals section that turned out to be for a CIA courier. You know, something like, Do you like to travel? Does adventure appeal to you? Reliable courier positionn available. Good pay. Flexible hours. PO Box 616. ... or something like that.

If she's responding to an ad, then you'll bypass the mystery of the application and why the CIA pursued her. (Surely they are more selective than, "Well, as long as you're on the phone, why don't you fly up to DC for an interview even though you're not who we thought you were...")

We've got a clear idea of Liz's goals. But what bad thing happens if she doesn't achieve her goal of a less boring life in retirement--what are the stakes? Certainly, once she takes the CIA job and is on her first assignment, the stakes rise significantly, but she's so cool and calm that I didn't sense a significan rise in tension. (An increase in stakes almost always implies an increase in tension.) Coupled with goals and stakes, there are obstacles to achieving her goal. The initial obstacle is a boring retirement. The new job with the CIA affords a way around that obstacle, but then it's just a boring courier job. But the incident with the Uber is not only raising the stakes, it's increasing the obstacles--which should once again increase the tension.

Finally, Liz should have a character arc. She achieves her goal at the end, right? She's apparently still friends with Joey, so that part of her life hasn't changed, but she's clearly no longer bored, i.e., she's achieved her primary goal. But this isn't exactly a character arc--she's not changed by this resolution to the plot. Her life has changed in that it's no longer boring, but fundamentally she seems to be the same person, still kind-of-sort-of tolerating Joey, but otherwise not changed. Maybe I'm missing something, or maybe that's the point, but this left me feeling something was missing from the overall plot.

The first assignment added good tension to the plot, although--again---it was a bit implausible that the CIA hadn't actually checked the documents.

                                                             
Hook
In the case of a short story, the "hook" needs to be in the beginning--giving the reader a reason to read beyond the first paragraph. Just to add a bit of tension, you might consider have her reaching for her Glock 17 (the firearm used by the CHicago PD), thinking she's hearing criminal acitivity. If she's then disappointed that it's just boring gardeners and she doesn't have anyone to shoot, you've established her goal--a more exciting life than the one she's currently got in retirement.

That's just one of many ways you might hook the reader and foreshadow the plot. I'm sure you can do better, since you know Liz way better than me!

                                                             
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Liz's head. No slips.

                                                             
Referencing
We get some details about her retirement community, and a bit about a relationship with Joey. She's pretty mean to him in the first phone call, though, so you might soften it a bit to help make her more likable.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging, but I usually like a touch more. Setting helps to establish character, since you can establish it by having Liz interact with her environment. Also, the things she notices reveal character--like the guy reading and not having his nose in electronics. A touch more details like that might help give insight to her character.

                                                             
Characters
Liz turns out to be smart, cool under duress, and capable. She's also irascible, but in an endearing kind of way.

                                                             
Grammar
Comma Splices.
I don't read for grammar, but often find things to whine about anyway. Not so here, so good job!

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
🎶"It ain't me, ain't me, I'm no fortunate one!"🎶My Comment:I have a friend whose ring tone is a recording of her voice saying, “Kathryn, I’m trapped in your phone. Let me out.”

"Hey, Liz! Guess what?" Joey squealed in her ear. "I'm getting my driveway resurfaced today!"My Comment: I’m not sure how the elements of this conversation—the driveway scam, the wife-swapping couple, the pickleball tournament—relate to the overall plot.

"Well… since it appears your contact info is all we have available, we can't contact the person who originally applied. So, would you be interested in applying for yourself?"My Comment: This made me think that they *recruited* her as opposed to following up on a lost application. But there’s no indication later that this is what happened.

Liz submitted her application and flew to Washington, DC for interviews with multiple high-ranking people, including a head of state.My Comment: Really? The CIA uses a head of state for interviewing recruits? Maybe a former head of state? Even that seems implausible.

then six weeks of intensive training.My Comment:But she can’t play pickleball? Or is the intensive training not physical?

to our agent at the Chinese consulate in California.My Comment: PRC maintains five consulates in the US: New York, NY; Chicago, IL; San Francisco, CA; Los Angeles, CA; Houston, TX. None in Sacramento.

My Comment: Even a relatively small city Like Sacramento has more than one Holiday Inn. There’s even one at the airport. Getting minor details like this correct is something that can contribute to verisimilitude--even though sometimes even experienced authors forget to do this. The most famous example is in Star Wars, where "parsec"--a unit of distance--is mistaken for a period of time.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

Check out most recent release!

ASIN: B0C9P9S6G8 Murder on Cabot's Landing Product Type: Kindle Store Amazon's Price: $ 1.99 Buy Now!